Aphelion
by electric gurrl
Summary: Some hurts never heal, some ghosts don't go away and some monsters tear at your throat until they break free. Nobody said it would be easy, even for a prodigy. Now, ten years after the comet, the royal family tries to pick up the pieces and create something whole again. Tyzula. Sequel to Restraint.
1. gone & torn

A/N: **Some Quick Facts About This Fic  
>Sequel: <strong>This is the sequel to Restraint. It makes no sense without reading Restraint first.  
><strong>Chapters: <strong> 21 chapters & an epilogue.  
><strong>Pairing: <strong>Ty Lee / Azula.  
><strong>Rated: <strong>M for lesbian sex, coarse language, minor infidelity, liquor, more lesbian sex, mild violence, implications/references/flashbacks to abuse, suggestive dialogue and general dark themes.  
><strong>Notes:<br>**I made some edits to Restraint lately. I mostly went through and cleaned things up, but some of the back-story pre-Restraint changed. Azula started in an asylum but went on a rampage with such carnage that there was great pressure for her to face more repercussions. Zuko and Aang either must remove her bending or give her a prison sentence. So she has a five year prison sentence that she is released after three years of. I also changed the flashback format and Mai's initial opinion of Azula. Other than that, nothing has changed.  
>And Zirah is Izumi now, because that's her canon name.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Aphelion (noun) - The point at which an orbiting object is at the furthest distance from the sun<em>

* * *

><p>prologue: gone<p>

* * *

><p><em>Tell my love to wreck it all<br>To cut out all the ropes and let me fall  
>"Skinny Love" - Bon Iver<em>

* * *

><p>Ty Lee wakes alone. She remembers the fight last night and figures Azula is somewhere in the palace, or perhaps has trained all night. The acrobat intends to apologize even though she did nothing wrong. It is always easier to let Azula win, regardless of the truth.<p>

She was trained to be Azula's friend, after Azula brought her home for the first time. Lessons in friendship from stuck up and condescending old men that Ty Lee eventually learned to disregard. Ty Lee found it both enticing and baffling. Being friends with a princess was exciting; being a princess, less so.

When she walks to the dining room, it is too early for there to be food. No one else in the family is there, as they usually are when Ty Lee stumbles out of bed last. On the table is a note and her heart jumps into her throat.

If it is a suicide note, Ty Lee would die. She would die too. She _would_.

Panic surges through her as she picks it up and then her expression changes from fear to anger. It takes her a while to read it, longer than it should for someone her age. She never paid attention in school or read for fun. She still can hardly spell.

But this note is clear. And she reads it a thousand times.

Zuko arrives in the dining room is Ty Lee is sitting and staring at the note, opening and closing her mouth feebly.

"What is it?" Zuko asks, looking at her tear stained face with concern. Ty Lee picks at her lips and tears them open before she speaks.

"Azula's gone," Ty Lee manages to say as Mai arrives directly behind Zuko. "She just left a _note_!"

"Now you know exactly how I feel," Mai mumbles before sighing. This _is _serious, as much as she shoots a glare at her husband. "What did she say? Is it real or is she just angry?"

"Was it my father?" Zuko snaps, seizing the note and nearly slicing open Ty Lee's hands. "Sorry, sorry. But if it was him..."

"It wasn't him. It was me." Ty Lee starts crying hysterically. She throws herself into Mai's arms melodramatically and Mai rubs her back awkwardly with her neck bones jutting out and her amber eyes bulging.

"I apologize if this upsets any of you, not that it would, but I'm leaving," Zuko says in an imitation of his sister's voice that is uncanny. "Don't come looking for me. You won't find me, I'm not dumb enough to get caught. I have realized that my daughter would be better off without me, and I need to find out who _I am _before I can take care of anyone else. I intend to return eventually, so don't order a funeral or anything. Although if you do... It just kind of rambles on conceitedly for a while. She could've gotten to the point a lot faster."

"This is kind of serious," Mai says dryly and Ty Lee is enraged that they are both being so calm about it. Zuko is squinting at the letter, Mai pulls herself away from Ty Lee, and only the acrobat is left wondering why they are not panicking or sending the military after her.

"Ugh, this is _exactly _like when the resistance captured her and you two didn't want to look for her. We found her with her hand broken and drugged and..." Ty Lee begins, exasperated.

"Azula clearly left with intent. Check the handwriting. Nobody has textbook perfect characters like that but her. Especially not some assassin," Mai says, gesturing at the letter with a small patronizing smile.

"How do you know what assassin handwriting is like?" Ty Lee squeals and Mai breathes in through her teeth. She just made this worse. "I know it's her handwriting. And it... kind of seems like her. But... she can't just leave her child and-and _me_."

"It's a terrible thing to do. But if there's anything she's good at, it's doing terrible things," Mai remarks with a small shrug and Ty Lee bursts into tears again. Zuko sighs.

"Mai, you're not exactly making this better," he says, patting her arm gently and causing her to roll her eyes. She rubs her arm where he touched it and begrudgingly decides not to interfere. "She's been weird since she had Azusami. She's probably just going to go walk around for two weeks before she realizes she doesn't know how to wash her own hair or buy things in stores and she'll come home. I had to tell her what a price tag was last week; you have nothing to worry about."

Ty Lee bites her lip. She knows he might be right. Azula _wouldn't _leave her. She _couldn't _leave her.

"She'll be back," Zuko says, setting down the letter and making a sympathetic face at Ty Lee.

Ty Lee has to believe him. She _has _to.

* * *

><p>chapter one: torn<p>

* * *

><p><em>"Only your actions will be remembered. May you choose them well."<br>- Samara, Mass Effect 3 -  
><em>

* * *

><p>Three weeks before Ty Lee finds the fateful note, in the bright morning glow, Ty Lee walks her fingers up Azula's pallid arm.<p>

It is crisp and airy in their bedroom, the windows left open all night. She is vaguely reminded of doing this long ago, five years ago, when she first decided to leave her life and redeem Princess Azula. Of course, her feelings got in the way, and one marriage, one child and one attempted coup later, she is still lying in the same bed with the same girl who makes her a little dizzy to look at for too long.

So much has come to pass since the day Azusami was born, and the day Zuko executed an imposter of The General. It has been three years and one day. Ty Lee kisses her wife on the neck and it still does not rouse her from her sleep.

Azusami is a firebender. And the day after tomorrow is Ty Lee and Azula's fifth anniversary. And Ty Lee expects to have a wonderfully sentimental gift from her wife. Azula presumably will figure it out.

"Wake up; your daughter is a firebender," Ty Lee whispers, stroking Azula's arm. Her fingers stray further, towards her breasts.

_Ty Lee cradles her one year old daughter close to her body as she has servants draw and heat a bath. She coos to the babbling baby, blushing and smiling. Ty Lee loves her child more than life itself. The baby is precious, even if she drains away some of her energy._

_ Azula sees it, shivers in disgust and walks away._

_ "Why did you do that in front of Azusami?" Ty Lee demands that night._

_ "You were _bathing _with her like some kind of sick pervert," Azula snarls and Ty Lee purses her lips._

_ Azula hated her mother, and Ty Lee fears that Azusami will hate her as well._

_ And Ty Lee tells her. And Azula throws her on the bed, Ty Lee deciding not to fight because it is easier than hurting Azula, even though Azula hurts her._

_ She runs away._

_ But she comes back; she always comes back._

Azula wakes to the sensation of her nipples hardening. She inhales sharply and looks around in the crisp morning air. It is nearly winter, not that the Fire Nation ever gets cold. Ty Lee is on her, kissing her and she tries not to be perturbed by it.

She rolls onto her side and kisses her wife on the mouth.

Ty Lee digs her fingers into Azula's back as she slips onto her lap. Their lips bump against each other, leaving feverish sensations on smooth skin. Tongues intertwine in a final kiss as Ty Lee's hands move towards Azula's cleavage again. Azula moans into her mouth and it feels fantastic.

The sun glitters on their bare skin as they strip each other down to nothingness.

They finish when both have climaxed, tongues against cunts, licking clits. Azula lies there, staring at the ceiling for a moment as Ty Lee gets dressed and tries to salvage her hair.

"Our daughter is a firebender," Azula finally says, stunned. Ty Lee nods in response.

"Yes, our daughter is a firebender. I'm glad you're excited," Ty Lee says, beaming and glowing from sex and love. Azula brushes her hair from her face and finally stands up.

She dresses herself and combs her hair carefully, tying it into a topknot and puncturing it with a crown. Ty Lee's crown is much looser in her braided hair. Azula kisses her cheek, teeth brushing against her cheekbone, and Azula leaves her bedroom to locate breakfast.

Her daughter is a _firebender_.

* * *

><p>"How did it go?" Zuko asks as Azula returns with Azusami in her arms. The child is beaming, which is an alien look on the small version of Azula's face. Azula looks as if she is about to go on a tirade, but she sets her daughter down first.<p>

"Reasonably well," Azula says with a shrug. "She had fun I think."

Azusami starts running in circles, attempting to throw fire at things and mostly just conjuring enough smoke to make Zuko cough. She leaps onto a table and actually makes a spark and jumps excitedly. Azula watches, her eyes scrutinizing every move. Zuko simply hopes that Azusami does not destroy the furniture.

"I remember when I first firebent and father took me to go... it's picking out a prize. We've glamorized this so much but it's really just picking out a prize, isn't it?" Zuko says, his wistful tone instantly changing to one of an adult who realizes a childhood fable was a scam.

"I picked the best prize," Azula says smugly with a knowing smirk. Zuko fights the urge to roll his eyes.

"You picked a firebending scroll."

"Mhm. That was the best prize. You picked out...?"

"Look, I was a child. You were a _weird _child, Azula," Zuko replies defensively and she shrugs. Azusami summons a ball of flame and then almost loses control.

Azula snaps out her hand as the ball of flame grows larger than Azusami's head and seizes her daughter's wrist. The fire fizzles out and Azusami sits down, golden eyes rotund.

"You almost died, Azusami," Azula says in a sickeningly sweet tone. "Be more careful. I'm not always going to be around to rescue you."

"You are terrible," Zuko sighs, rubbing his neck. "So what prize did she pick?"

"A tacky and expensive necklace. Ty Lee has raised her terribly. Azusami, for the love of Agni I just told you not to make fireballs bigger than your face. Do you want to go to prison like mother?" Azusami instantly stops and puts her hands behind her back. Zuko chokes, trying not to laugh."The weirdest thing happened when I was out with her. This peasant woman─ oh, look who's appeared out of the walls while I'm about to say something personal to my brother," Azula says, cocking an eyebrow as Ty Lee and Mai walk in.

Ty Lee reaches for her daughter and Azusami starts running.

"It's a little Azula," Mai says, examining the child running around an attempting to firebend as Ty Lee tries to stop her from burning things. "She just needs to learn how to say witty one liners and insults vaguely disguised as compliments and we'll have a little Azula. She looks just like her."

"I am so glad she looks nothing like her father," Azula says, watching and not trying to stop this at all. Kazou is fortunately, in prison for the rest of his life. Azusami is the offspring of two convicts, yet so far does not seem on the road to prison. Azula's wife grabs Azusami around the abdomen and clutches her as she writhes.

"Her father was really hot," Mai replies casually and Zuko looks are her with a slight stare of jealousy. "Don't look at me like that. I'm allowed to look at other men."

"She won't leave you, ZuZu. I mean, I admire your relationship because you two aren't going to do any better than each other," Azula comments from her armchair, which she sits on like a throne.

"Exactly what I'm talking about," Mai says with a faint laugh. Ty Lee sets Azusami on the coffee table. "Insults disguised as compliments."

"You stay there. Azula, please give her firebending lessons. She was so calm and polite and easy. Once she stopped crying all night she was so easy but now I don't even know what to do," Ty Lee says, holding her child by the knees. Azusami stops fighting and falls extremely limp, onto her back.

"Don't stop this, Azula. Please," Mai says, smirking. "It will make me feel so much better for having such a rude and hyperactive child."

"Okay, I am picking you up. Don't play dead," Ty Lee states, gritting her teeth and putting her daughter over her shoulder. Her head bumps into her mother's back as she remains entirely motionless with her eyes closed.

"She has dedication. Maybe she can be an actress when she grows up," Zuko comments kindly as Ty Lee drags Azusami away and to her room.

"My child is not going to be an actress. That's a step above prostitute," Azula says with a sigh.

"It would be fun, though. Nobody in this family does anything exciting with their lives," Mai argues, enjoying this idea.

"My uncle opened a teashop," Zuko offers with a shrug.

"Oh, I can barely contain my excitement. A _teashop_," Mai says with a roll of her amber eyes and Azula snickers. "She would be a good actress."

"She doesn't have to work; she's a princess," Azula comments and Mai nods halfheartedly. "That's the definition of princess, I think."

"Lazy?" Zuko asks and Mai laughs. Her husband has finally developed a sense of humor.

"No, selfish and delicate," Azula says snidely, looking down her nose at her brother.

"And also a combat powerhouse," Mai adds.

"Well, that too but I think I stayed fairly delicate while attempting murder." Pause. "And succeeding at murder... Now, I was telling my brother something before this tedious interruption."

"Yes, please continue," Zuko says, holding out one hand and gesturing for her to speak. There is no such thing as conversation without interruption with two tiny princesses running around the palace, demanding the attention of anything that breathes.

"This peasant woman referred to me as the crazy princess. Right in front of me," Azula says slowly, her eyes slightly glassy. Mai hates that face; it makes her skin crawl. "Oh, Zuko, don't give me that look; you would know if I went on a rampage in the fucking shopping district. No, I didn't even notice she had called me that because I'm so used to it."

"I never call you that," Zuko says as if it is consolation. The entire Fire Nation has referred to Azula as 'the crazy princess' for ten years, and Azula is well over being upset about it.

"She was crying hysterically before I noticed she had said it. Mucus dripping from her nose. Anyway, I barely noticed. And then it dawned on me, a painful revelation," Azula purrs, punctuating her speech with dramatic and well timed breaths. "Princess Azula the Conqueror never caught on."

Mai bursts into laughter. Zuko suppresses a smile and tries to be serious.

"I tried and tried to make people call me that. I completely deserved it," Azula sighs, continuing with a haughty shrug of discontent. "I _did _conquer Ba Sing Se and several small villages. But no one ever called me Princess Azula the Conqueror. I even asked father to introduce me as that and he completely refused and said it was ridiculous. Ridiculous? Crazy Princess is _ridiculous_. Princess Azula the Conqueror is _genius_."

"They're both pretty terrible. I can think of much more inventive things to call you," Mai says, sniggering still.

"I'm sorry that people call you the crazy princess. You've really moved on from the whole banishing swarms of innocents, spitting blood on therapists and going on murderous rampages in Ba Sing Se phase of your life," Zuko says calmly and kindly and Azula rolls her eyes so forcefully she thinks they will pop from her skull.

"If you were really sorry you would call me Princess Azula the Conqueror."

* * *

><p>"You're going to hurt yourself," Azula says sharply in a voice Zuko has never heard before.<p>

He has heard her _scathing _tone, her _mocking _tone and her _deceitful _tone, but never this one. He tries to fade into the shadows as he studies her with her hands clasped with her daughters. Zuko has to admit he feels a mild sense of shame associated with Azula's firebending daughter, and how he wishes Izumi were like that. But the fact that Azula has common ground with Azusami is a relief to everyone in the palace, and, possibly, the entire Fire Nation. Nobody needs Princess Azula to go on another rampage.

"I _want _to," is Azusami's response, which she possibly learned from Izumi. They both are incredibly whiny children, to Zuko's dismay. Then again, he and Azula were incredibly rude, selfish and spoilt.

"Fine, go ahead and burn alive, see if I care." Azula shrugs and Zuko smirks. Princess Azula stands up and turns away pointedly. Azusami pouts and then tugs at her mother frantically.

"Okay, okay I won't," Azusami squeals loudly and Azula returns to her knees in one fluid motion. Zuko enjoys this more than he should.

"You can't just run around with your hands on fire," Azula says as Azusami tries to light her fingertips again. "Fire is a weapon of destruction and you can't _play _with it."

"You do." And that is the _end _for Azula. Her eyebrows shoot up and Zuko gulps.

"Now is when I interrupt," comes Fire Lord Zuko from behind his sister. Azula glances up at him. "Aang is here to see you. I'll monitor Azusami."

"Don't give her any of your bending bad habits," Azula says, standing up and walking in the direction Zuko points towards.

She walks to the throne room slowly, picking at her sharp fingernails as she goes. Pushing open the door, she can only recall the thousand times she walked in for audience with her father. She is glad he is gone, pleased that she has spent three years without needing to appeal to him. The last she saw of Fire Lord Ozai was his wide eyes as she relayed to him a very twisted tale.

"Hello, Avatar," Azula says, looking at Aang as he studies the curtains. "They're the fourth set. Apparently no one in the Fire Nation knows how to make things decently _flame proof_."

Aang chuckles. "I have something important to ask you about."

"I'm listening." She crosses her arms.

"It's about your father."

Azula swallows. "I've detached myself from him since Azusami's birth. The last time I saw him was when I was pregnant with her."

"I've seen him more recently," Aang says and Azula feels a surge of something angry and bitter inside of her. A vehement jealousy that makes her mouth taste strongly of metal. "I left him alive because─"

"Because you're merciless," Azula interrupts sharply and Aang is stunned. He supposes he should not be so shocked by Azula's tongue, but she has been quieter and more muted, as he noticed when he saw her at Azusami's birthday party. "He would have preferred death, Avatar. I would have."

Aang does not know what to say. Katara has said almost the same words to him, as has almost every bender he has encountered. It should be natural to hear it from Azula, who could not restrain her bending until she could use it for purposes other than drastic violence. But he takes a deep breath, enjoying the union of air and his blood and nods.

"I've seen how you've changed. I think you can do that for him," Aang says softly and Azula thinks she knows where he is going with this. And quite honestly, she does not like it.

"I changed because I had to. There was no other choice. He doesn't feel the same way," Azula says, feeling comfortable speaking for her father.

"You changed because you _wanted _to," Aang says and Azula fights the urge to slap the soft, gentle, patronizing smile off of his face. But she has learned restraint too well. "And I think you can make your father want to. You're the only one he trusts."

"Is that what he said or what you assume?" Azula is getting colder and more vicious, like a glacial fire. Aang swallows and hopes he is not making a terrible mistake. "Don't interfere with my family, Aang."

His first name. She has only ever called him Avatar, and she means it now in a demeaning way that Aang is still surprised by. Azula is... Azula, though. He needs to be more steadfast with her.

"I don't want to interfere. But I'm going to be in town a while, and if you change your mind about redeeming your father, just tell me," Aang says and Azula shrugs. She wants to say something vicious, strike him down with lightning again, but she makes a passive scoffing sound and waits for Aang to slowly leave.

Zuko would have shouted, Azula is certain.

She conceals the information from the Avatar for the rest of the day. The decision weighs heavily in her mind as she tries to decide whether or not her father has the right to be redeemed. She does love him, but she does not know if it would be wise or practical.

"Why is the Avatar at dinner with us?" Azula asks as soon as she walks into the dining room. She managed to isolate herself today and keep to her thoughts, but Azusami is telling Aang a barely coherent story and Azula wants to yank her daughter away from him.

"He's a guest, Azula," Ursa says forcefully and Azula fights the urge to throttle her or make some snide remark. She sits down beside her daughter, away from her mother, and grits her teeth. She knows he has something planned and she does not like it.

He cannot do this to her.

"So, how are Fire Nation things going in the Fire Nation?" Aang asks, glancing around. The look Azula is giving him is making him sweat. And she notices.

Silence. Zuko looks like he doesn't know the answer; Azula is looking at Aang like she is about to strike him down with lightning again. Mai clears her throat and everyone looks at her. _Oh _the labors of being Fire Lady.

"Well, Azula has been implementing unions. For the first time in history," Mai says and Azula nods belatedly, her eyes not moving from Aang. They are narrowed on his throat, Ty Lee notices with discomfort.

"Wait really?" Zuko asks abruptly and Aang laughs. "I'm not kidding. That doesn't sound like something she would do."

"You're confusing professional Azula with personal Azula. Personal Azula would tell the peasants to slave away with forced labor and no rights; professional Azula knows how to make the public happy," Mai explains, not surprised that Zuko only looks over half of his sister's work. He does about half of everything since he got so caught up in Republic City.

"I knew she was... never mind," Zuko says, shrugging. Listing what he actually knows about Azula's upkeep seems tedious and defensive. It is better to just let it go.

"So, unions, that's good," Aang says, forcing a smile. Azula realizes she has to respond and frees her jaw from its chokehold on itself.

"Yes. It seemed like the logical step in, well, making the public hate us less. That's been my job for four years. I'm good at it." Azula dissects her meat like a particularly sadistic surgeon and Aang watches with a grimace and wide eyes.

"There haven't been any rebellions in three years," Ty Lee offers feebly, her voice cracking with the discomfort of the dinner. Aang looks up from Azula's precise massacre of a dead animal to rejoin the conversation.

"There were no rebellions for a hundred years before Zuko took the throne," Azula says into her glass and everyone pretends not to hear her.

"I think that it was a really good move putting Azula at the forefront of the Fire Nation. Kind of the face of you guys, oh... uh..." Ty Lee suddenly trails off at face. Zuko does not react; he is used to it by now. "Well, it's been a good three years since that really nasty revolt. Mostly because of my wife. And sometimes Zuko, when he's not travelling or saving the world."

"Just sometimes Zuko," Mai chuckles to herself.

Aang takes a deep breath and the room churns slightly. Azula feels dizzy for a moment as he shifts the air with his calming breathing. Airbenders are weird as fuck.

"Speaking of Fire Lords," Aang announces and everyone is eerily silent. Even the two children stop babbling at each other and Ursa. "I gave Azula a proposition today that's really important to me."

"Azula, you're leaving marks on your..." Ty Lee whispers awkwardly, gently trying to pry Azula's fingernails out of her own palm.

"What proposition?" Zuko asks as Azula's eyes narrow. Aang tugs at his sleeve.

"Well, I was thinking that, you know how we made Azula good and everything? I was thinking we should do that for your father."

Aang cringes, expecting more of an outrage. But everyone is very quiet. Azula glances between her family members. Ursa averts her eyes, Zuko seems to not know how to react, Ty Lee seizes Azula's knee under the table and Mai is... Mai.

"I don't think he's going to change," Zuko finally says and the table is no longer frozen in time. The royal family shifts their weight, fidgets, does anything but have to face the reality of Ozai. "Aang, Azula is one thing, my father is entirely another."

"I actually was considerably worse than him. I mean, he's a dreadful person. But if you really think about all of the negative things... I was behind most of them," Azula says and Aang's eyes glitter with hope. "I didn't want to change but, ugh, I did. Now I'm a well adjusted and well respected leader of a nation and not... burning down mental hospitals and killing earthbending gangs in Ba Sing Se. People can change."

"I think this is a terrible idea," Ursa says with vivacity in her voice that stuns her children. "He's not a _human_. He's a monster."

Azula scoffs loudly and Ursa's cheeks redden. But she does not stand down at her daughter's outburst of disgust.

"I think it's Azula's decision," Mai says and there is a general agreement from everyone but Ursa, who is clutching a fork as if she is about to stab someone. "She's the expert on this whole redemption thing."

Zuko makes a similar but more masculine noise than Azula. Mai rolls her eyes.

"Yes, Zuko, I know you flipped sides. But I think it's up to her for a lot of reasons," Mai says and does not continue based on the glare Azula is giving her. "She knows him better than all of us. Even you, Ursa. And she's the only person here he's ever going to trust. If it makes you feel better, if Azula decides to liberate him, I'll oversee everything to make sure they don't usurp Zuko or anything."

"I agree with Mai," Ty Lee chirps and Aang is smiling now. Ty Lee blinks a happy blink at the Avatar and Azula grits her teeth. "It's Azula's decision."

"I need a little time before I decide if I want to take on the task of changing my father. Who I, if no one noticed at all, severely mutilated four years ago," Azula says, raising an eyebrow. Ty Lee rubs Azula's knee so fiercely that it burns. "I'll decide."

"Thank you." The dinner continues with severe awkwardness. And Ursa spends the entire dinner thinking of the words to convince Azula not to make the mistake of letting Ozai back into their lives.

* * *

><p>"Azula, did you tell our daughter that if she firebent without your permission she would go to prison?" Ty Lee sighs, slumping on the sofa. It has been an impossibly long day and Azula is sitting down half asleep. Ty Lee sets her head on Azula's lap and Azula vaguely strokes her wife's hair.<p>

"It was effective. She stopped burning things down," Azula says and Ty Lee rolls her eyes.

"She's terrified. You need to give her lessons, not lie to her," Ty Lee states sweetly and Azula purses her lips. This parenting thing is _impossible_, even if Zuko says she's not terrible at it.

"I'm just a little occupied with deciding the fate of the man who conceived me," Azula says and Ty Lee frowns.

"Just let him die in prison. It will be much more satisfying for you," Ty Lee says and Azula blinks and shakes her head.

"He wasn't always a bad father. He... he's the only person who ever took real interest in my life," Azula says and Ty Lee squeezes her eyes shut so she can pretend this is not happening. She cannot believe how foolish the Avatar is for putting Ozai's fate in Azula's claws. "You know," Azula remarks with a small smirk, "he's the only person I ever openly told that I liked girls."

Ty Lee cannot pretend to be invisible. She laughs hysterically and Azula shakes with silent giggles.

"What did he say?" Ty Lee asks, turning over to make eye contact with her wife.

"He didn't really respond. He kind of just looked at me for a moment and I thought momentarily I would be harmed but he just commented, '_Well that's good for you,_' and left as quickly as he could."

"Well that's good for you?" Ty Lee is crying from laughter. "That was his response?"

"Yes. He never brought it up again." Azula smirks, eyes sparkling slightly. And then Ty Lee's gut turns to stone. _No_.

"You know, you're only remembering him fondly because you haven't talked to him in three years," Ty Lee says, suddenly looking intense. Azula sighs and fights the urge to roll her eyes. "No, it's true. If you talked to him again, you would remember why you hate him."

Azula leans back and clenches her jaw. She _knows _that Ty Lee is right, but she does not want her to be.

"I don't think I hate him," Azula replies and Ty Lee swallows. "Maybe he deserves a second chance like I had."

Ty Lee swallows and decides to be supportive regardless of her feelings.

But, she knows this is not going to end well.

* * *

><p>AN: I'm not actually going to redeem Ozai. What he's done is completely irredeemable. But I think it is something that would be brought up after Azula is successfully redeemed. Ozai has no bending, people I think would wonder, why couldn't he be redeemed? I think it highlights the conflict and rifts in the family, so it was the first plot arc I decided on. But I repeat, I don't intend to absolve him of his crimes. And he doesn't do anything terrible to anyone. It just felt like a thought that would occur to people like Aang and Azula.


	2. remembrance

chapter two: remembrance

* * *

><p>"<em>We're all just people, some of us accidentally connected by genetics, a random selection of cells. Nothing more."<br>- Tracy Letts,_ _August: Osage County -  
><em>

* * *

><p>"So, it's your anniversary tomorrow with your wife. You <em>still <em>haven't taught your child basic firebending. _And _you have to decide the fate of your father's life. How are you holding up?" Mai lists calmly before Azula has even fully woken up.

She has just walked into the dining room, which is empty save for Mai peeling far more fruit than she is going to eat. Azula would complain, but she does not want to have her skin peeled off. It smells vaguely sweet and citrusy and unpleasant, and Azula is already not having a good morning.

Princess Azula does not need Mai reminding her of everything that is wrong with her life the moment she rises from bed.

"Well, I'm going to teach my daughter eventually. I still haven't decided about my father. I think I'm going to go talk to him this afternoon. And I actually had no idea my anniversary is tomorrow. Are you joking or is it really?"

"Do I joke, Azula?" Mai cocks an eyebrow.

"Hmph. I need a last minute gift." Azula sits down at the table and examines a gilded plate. It is unnaturally shiny and she can see her entire reflection. She looks good... and she just woke up... hmm.

"Five years. It has to be sentimental. You can't just get her a bunch of colorful shiny things," Mai interrupts, Azula's ogling of herself cut short.

"Did she tell you that?" Azula asks, narrowing her eyes at Mai. This could be vital information for the battle Azula is about to fight.

"Yes. She also told me not to tell you, but I told her not to tell you a lot of embarrassing secrets that she immediately told you, gaining me some unsavory childhood nicknames. So I'm giving you a warning about the firestorm you'll endure if you don't get her something sentimental," Mai says and Azula is startled at her kindness.

"Well, you do enjoy punishing people for things they did to you years ago," Azula replies with a small smirk and disappointed sigh.

"That describes my entire relationship with my parents since I became more powerful than them." Mai guts another orange successfully.

"I never thought about the fact that you're more powerful than them," Azula remarks, her eyes slightly wider. "I'm proud of you, Mai."

"Oh, what an accomplishment. I fucked royalty."

"I think that's a wonderful accomplishment. Now tell me what I'm supposed to give my wife for our five year anniversary," Azula insists, setting her chin on her hands and blinking twice. Mai rolls her eyes.

"Do I look like the romantic type to you? I have no idea," the Fire Lady sighs with a small shrug. She digs her knife into another orange.

"Perhaps I could start a war for her. That's romantic, isn't it?"

"Please don't start another war." Mai studies the flesh of the fruit intently and tries not to make eye contact with Azula.

"I wonder what she would prefer. Civil or world?"

"Azula, no." Internally groaning.

"Really. Mai, Civil War or, hm, the Water Tribe is a little giddy with newfound power. Maybe we should knock them down a few notches." Azula's gilded eyes glimmer with giddiness.

"Azula, really, no." Pause. Mai seems to be thinking. "How long would it take for you to start a war?"

"Civil, fifteen minutes excluding the time it takes me to walk to a public place. World, hmm, probably about three to four days," Azula says genuinely and Mai sighs.

"Civil, I guess. It will probably be over more quickly anyway." Mai decides Azula will _probably _let her live if she takes over the country.

"Alright. But how do I make it about _her_?" Azula screws up her face in deep concentration.

Zuko walks in before Mai can explain to Azula how terrible her idea of a gift is. He sits down beside Mai and stares at the food as if it will walk into his mouth if he looks at it hard enough.

"Zuko," Azula says and his head perks up, "Uncle taught you to _court ladies_, didn't he?"

"I guess?" Zuko already does not like where this is going.

"Hm, yes. I need your advice then."

"On courting ladies? You had a father." Zuko does not _want _to go there. He has had many lessons on _courting ladies _and, to be honest, he is lucky Mai loves him so dearly because he never quite got the hang of it.

"The only thing he ever told me about relationships was not to sleep with someone unless I wanted something from them, and true love doesn't exist so don't try to find it," Azula says dryly, tossing out the words as if they have no significance.

"Ouch. Okay, what do you need to know?" Zuko inquires, cringing at his father's romantic advice.

"Well, tomorrow is apparently my five year wedding anniversary. Which means I need to do something incredibly special and sentimental. I have it somewhat worked out with Mai, but, how do I make a civil war be about _her_?" Azula purrs and Zuko sets his head on the table. He does not deserve this. "It's important. I need ample time to start the uprising, so this is a very time sensitive matter."

"You can't make a war romantic, no matter how hard you try. I mean, it seems all well and good until there are gored eyeballs on the street. Does that scream romance to you?" Zuko explains honestly and Azula purses her lips, studying him with the gaze of a tentative wildcat.

"You just don't want me to overthrow you."

"I will help you think of something sentimental that doesn't involve starting a war. What's something special to her that she cares about?"

"She... I think she likes animals probably. Most people like animals."

Mai chortles as Zuko sighs.

"Have you ever shared a special moment together?"

"Yes. Several," Azula snaps defensively and Mai's eyes glow.

"Why not recreate the special moment and write her some heartfelt letter. You're good with words," Zuko offers hopefully, although he is well aware Azula will not take his advice.

"Or I could fake a kidnapping and rescue her. That would be good too." Azula glances between Zuko and Mai in hopes of affirmation.

"Ty Lee would totally kill the kidnappers before you got to her," Mai interjects and Zuko rolls his eyes.

"Or _I _could kidnap her and one of you could try to rescue her and I will defeat you for her. Perfect. Which of you feels like a hero...? I bet it's _Zuko_. You like being a hero." Azula touches one talon to her brother's shoulder and pokes. His body does not move.

"I am not allowing you to kidnap anyone," Zuko says, wishing he did not have to be the buzz kill all the time.

"Alright, fine, special moment. Special moment... There was that time she took a bolt of lightning for me?" Azula turns up a palm hopefully.

Mai laughs. Zuko rubs his temples.

"Yes, throw lightning at her. How romantic, Azula," Zuko sighs in frustration. Lost cause; she is a lost cause.

"Ugh. Okay, okay, there was the night before the Invasion when we lost our virginity together. That's a special moment."

"But that's basically like every day. You haven't redecorated your bedroom in ten years. It's a lot less fun and illicit when it's marital," Mai replies calmly, peeling the skin off of another fruit she takes two bites of before deciding she dislikes. That one was too sweet.

"Hmm, yes, you're right, Mai. Well, I did take her on our first date that I admitted was a date. But she broke up with me almost immediately afterwards. Also, I take her out to dinner and let her terrify the wait staff regularly. None of this works! I'm just going to kidnap her. That seems like the best plan." Azula slumps in her chair, livid that she is being defeated by a simply anniversary gift.

"Your relationship is..." Zuko begins but Azula cuts him off with a slicing golden glance.

"It's been pretty fucking rocky, ZuZu. We don't exactly have the perfect relationship. Over the past three years she has walked out five times. Okay? We got together because I was lying to her to make her vouch for me so the Avatar wouldn't take my bending away. I proposed to her so she would come back instead of returning to the island where she was perfectly happy for years. I tried to usurp the fucking throne and that wound up getting her a whole host of assassins. I made her a target of the resistance. I conceived a child I hated and I had an affair in the same _house _as her. Do I need to continue?" Azula lists with a burning passion in her golden eyes.

"But you guys are somehow still together," Mai offers feebly. "That counts for something, probably."

Azula pauses to contemplate that thought. Perhaps it does mean more to have a marriage and relationship that stands unfathomable tests than to have one that is never challenged. She stares at the reddish wood of the table and ignores her reflection in her plate.

"I'll think of something myself. I still have a day," Azula sighs and Zuko frowns faintly. He _did _hope he could help her, but, granted, he and Mai are not experts of romance either.

"Or..." Mai smirks deviously. "Zuko and I could trick her into revealing what she wants most, and then we could tell you. For a very reasonable price."

"How reasonable?"

* * *

><p>Azula walks to Capitol Prison for the first time in a long time. She never wanted to come back after the day she gave her father twenty years of pain. Now it is twenty-four years of pain. It has been almost ten years since the comet. It has been almost five years since she was released from prison. It has been over three years since she last had any desire to lay eyes on her father.<p>

She barely recognizes the prison, either from time or from remodeling; she is not certain. Her eyes follow the lines of the hallway as she walks to the most familiar cell. The first time she came in here was to interrogate her uncle about Zuko. It is funny how things can _flip _so easily.

Once, she was imprisoned here herself. Only for a night, given, but it is burned into her memory. The futility of her life came to her while she was in that cell with Ty Lee clutching her hand and soldiers pacing, Zuko in the hospital on the verge of death. There was no escaping.

There was no escaping her father either.

* * *

><p><em>Ten years ago, Azula screams, "I'm going to run away!" <em>

_She is standing in the middle of an empty palace, face to face with her father. They are on either side of her bed, tensions running high between them. Azula's face is tear stained; Ozai does not care. And she has made the conscious decision to _end _this. For good. If that means running away, she will _run_._

_ "Then what, Azula?" he asks calmly and Azula is made livid by how unthreatened he is by her rage. "What happens next? So you run away? Where do you go?"_

_ "I..." _

_ "You're the only viable heir to an empire the spans the entire world. There's nowhere you could run where people wouldn't find you. Perhaps you fight, you kill any soldiers who come after you, and believe me, it would be a military priority beyond keeping earthbenders in check. You have no way to take care of yourself. Smart, yes, but you've barely left this palace, much less left the Capitol. You wouldn't last long even if you could keep the soldiers from bringing you home."_

_ Azula swallows. She does not know how to respond to that because it is true. It is impossible to run. And no one is ever going to help her._

_ She slips out of her fighting position._

_ Futile._

* * *

><p>"It's been a long time," Azula says as she walks inside. She shuts the door behind her, remembering when she had a guard around her at all times.<p>

She examines his face and regrets not burning him more fiercely. His scar does not look like Zuko's, but simply a few streaks of red against his skin. It healed too well, far too well for Azula's liking.

"I didn't think I'd ever see you again," Ozai says, sounding genuine and not serpentine.

"Let me be clear about my intentions before you ruin your opportunity. The Avatar has asked me to decide if we should release you," Azula says and she revels in her father's shock. "Give me one good reason why I should let you out."

Ozai studies her closely, looking for a lie. She does not blame him as she contemplates illuminating the room in blue and setting the mood. But she does not. Because she has the power now, and she will never let him forget that.

"I don't have one," Ozai says and Azula's eyes flicker in surprise. She hides the rest of her shock, not wanting to give him anything to work with. "I can't think of a single reason why you would ever let me out of here, or why anyone else in... _our _family would want me out."

Azula hesitates. He must be playing at something; he has to be.

"Explain," Azula says coldly, although Ozai can feel the heat of emotion in her tone as if it is a tangible flame.

"I haven't forgotten your monologue. Or story. Or whatever you want to call it. I have to admit I never thought something like that could keep me up at night, but you have a way of phrasing things that makes the words stick," Ozai says and Azula does not know if she should believe him or not. She is beginning to think that this was a bad idea. "It's no wonder you can't trust anyone."

Azula opens her mouth to protest that she now trusts Mai, Ty Lee and even Zuko, but that would play right into him. His response would question why she would not trust him if she was willing to trust them. And that would give him the power.

"Yes. I haven't forgotten it either. It's been keeping me up at night far longer than you," Azula replies coldly, gaining more confidence. Ozai feels her slipping away from him but he does not show it. "Why haven't you killed yourself?"

"What?" Ozai does not hide emotion in his voice as he usually does when dealing with Azula.

"I would've. There are some days I wonder why I haven't killed myself and some days where I plan to do it, and I can bend," Azula says and Ozai is still taken aback.

"I don't know," Ozai replies honestly and Azula studies him closely.

"You don't want to change. No one wants to change, even if they say they do." Pause. "I still haven't. I'm still selfish and arrogant and cruel but I manage to... I manage. So when they tell me I'm an expert on the metamorphosis from someone born to wage war into a productive member of a peaceful society, well, I don't think they're quite right."

Azula did not intend to open up so much to him, but it slipped out. Her secrets tumble from her lips so easily when they are alone together and it makes this assignment even more disconcerting. He is her weakness, and he knows it. But on the other hand, she is his.

"I don't want to die in prison. I don't want to die regardless of everything I've lost. But I doubt anyone is going to be pleased to have me back." Hesitation. Azula shifts her weight between her feet uncomfortably. "But I don't intend to overthrow Zuko. I mean that. I'm too old for that, I'm... it doesn't matter much to me. You have what you always wanted, the power over me for once. I'll let you savor it for a while."

"I'm happy to," Azula replies, not the answer Ozai was expecting, and she is gone.

He looks after her and tries to sort out the realities of this new scenario.

* * *

><p>"Have you made your decision?" Zuko asks before Azula can even change into comfortable clothes.<p>

"You have given me exactly one day to figure out the fate of Former Fire Lord Ozai. You know what happens when you speed up decisions like that? Little girls go to prison," Azula says haughtily and Zuko clenches his jaw.

"I gave you a chance at the asylum. Azula, you're on your fifth chance right now."

"I am definitely on my third chance."

"First chance, asylum instead of losing your bending. Second chance, prison instead of losing your bending. Third chance, no repercussions for destroying a city block in Ba Sing Se. Fourth chance, no repercussions after attempting to murder the Fire Lord and usurp the throne. You are on your fifth chance," Zuko lists in a monotone and Azula sighs.

"But I've been on my fifth chance for at least four years now. I think I'm in the clear. See, if you had just tried methods like that instead of─"

"Azula, you have been on one too many rampages to play a victim. I regret what happened to you in the Boiling Rock. It was terrible and traumatic. And it was a difficult decision for me. But it was a five year prison sentence. You didn't even finish it. That's not _bad_," Zuko says sharply and Azula has no response. "But I agree that if I had more time and less pressure to decide your fate I would have tried different methods than sending a mentally ill teenager to prison."

"Right. So give me more time and less pressure to decide what happens to the man who conceived us," Azula says, jabbing one finger onto Zuko's chest. He takes a deep breath and tries to think of reasons that he puts up with this. "After a day like this I think we should get drinks."

"I think we need heroin after days like these," Zuko sighs and Azula smirks.

"Bring your wife; we're going to the bar," Azula says before ducking down the hallway and instantly wriggling out of her formal clothes.

* * *

><p>"Inappropriate sexual comments. Constantly. You three are too old for this," is Zuko's lament one hour into their night out.<p>

"What did we say?" Azula demands fiercely.

"You just propositioned my wife for sex, with the conditions that you would _find something to penetrate her with if that's what she's into_," Zuko groans, forcing the words out of his lips. Ty Lee laughs hysterically as if it is the best joke ever told.

"Zuko, let me feel pretty," Mai replies, rolling her eyes.

"Comments like that aren't flattery. They're inappropriate," Zuko offers, taking another sip. He wishes his friends were here in the Fire Nation instead of scattered around the world, so he did not have to tolerate these three. Alone, separated, Azula, Ty Lee and Mai are bearable. But when you put them together, they become cackling harpies of awful.

"So, on a business matter," Azula says, changing the tone of the conversation with admirable ease. "What are your opinions on my father?"

"Personal opinions or should we let him out of prison?" Mai clarifies, cocking an eyebrow.

"Obviously, if we should let him out of prison. On one hand, he apologized for forgetting my birthday and meant it." Azula holds out one palm to the side and Zuko groans. Ty Lee makes a pained expression that she tries to hide behind her glass. Mai just slowly shakes her head.

"Why do you care about your birthday so much?" Zuko demands, raising his eyebrows. "Whether or not he feels bad about forgetting your birthday has nothing to do with the content of his character."

"Birthdays are important. He never forgot one of your birthdays," Azula replies, crossing her arms. She has Zuko there. He even sent a letter of correspondence while Zuko was banished in honor of his birthday, even if Ozai hated him so much. "Don't you remember your last birthday before you were banished? It must be important to you."

"Yeah, yeah, father said, _'Have fun on your birthday because I'm about to ruin the rest of your life,'_. Azula, this is ludicrous," Zuko sighs, rolling his eyes. Ty Lee blinks twice.

"Did he actually say that?" she asks, looking surprised.

"No, of course not." Zuko sighs and examines his drink closely. Tonight is not going well.

"I went to see him today and I'm leaning towards freeing him," Azula openly admits and Ty Lee looks about to bite someone in half.

"Azula, please don't," Ty Lee murmurs but her wife ignores her. Mai looks at Ty Lee with brief sympathy, but Ty Lee sees in her eyes that she agrees with Azula. "You do understand that Ozai is going to be the divide that kills our family? I'm the dumbest person in the room and I know that."

Ty Lee's tone is vicious and Zuko swallows. She looks in his golden eyes and sees that he is agreeing with Azula. Why do they want him? Why the fuck do they want him in their lives? She has felt Azula and held her and heard her scream about him in her sleep. And they all are big fans of second chances.

"I've been the smartest person in a room before. It's pretty fun," Mai remarks, changing the subject to Ty Lee's silent rage. She sounds far too smug. "You're always the smartest person in the room."

"Pretty much." Azula shrugs. She is. It is not a compliment; it is simply a statement of fact.

"Am I ever the smartest person in the room?" Ty Lee asks hopefully and Mai pointedly fills her mouth. Zuko turns his palms up with a shrug and Ty Lee narrows her eyes on Azula. "Azula, am I ever the smartest person in the room?"

Azula hesitates. Marriage is so delightful.

"Sometimes you're alone," Azula says as kindly as she can. Mai chokes on her drink.

Ty Lee rolls her eyes and slumps in her chair. Mai laughs and commands a scared waiter to fill another glass.

Futility, absolute futility.

* * *

><p>Mai and Zuko stand outside of the parlor where Ty Lee is playing with Azusami and her daughter's birthday gifts. They study her closely, waiting to spring their trap and trick her into revealing her dream anniversary gift. Zuko is sad to admit that this is the most interesting thing that has happened this month. His life has become relatively mundane in times of peace and prosperity.<p>

"It's easy to trick her," Mai whispers bluntly and Zuko cautiously nods. "Just let me do the talking, and we will have saved probably a few lives. You like saving lives don't you, Hero Zuko?"

"I do like saving lives." Pause. "_And _being called a hero..."

"Villain Zuko gets laid more often," Mai says with a smug smirk and Zuko rolls his eyes. "Alright, you say absolutely nothing, just nod enthusiastically and act natural. I'll exploit her."

They walk in, Mai tugging on Zuko. Ty Lee glances up and beams at them.

"Hey, Ty Lee," Mai says, sitting beside her. Zuko stands for a moment before sitting on the other side of her. Mai nods at him, glad he trapped her.

"Hi." Ty Lee's smile falters. "Am I in trouble?"

She pulls Azusami onto her lap and Mai almost thinks she is using her child as a human shield. Azusami squirms for a moment before giving in and studying the adult conversation with great interest. She certainly inherited her mother's love for eavesdropping.

"No," Mai says. "Zuko and I are just feeling lonely."

"Why?" Suspicion. Ugh.

"Because we're not very pretty and don't have many friends. We were hoping you would hang out with us so we would feel less like total losers," Mai says and Zuko almost groans. There is _no way _Ty Lee would believe that.

But to Zuko's utter shock, Ty Lee completely falls for it.

"I would love to," she says blithely and Zuko tries to hide his shock. Mai smiles faintly, her eyes conniving but her lips displaying friendship.

"So your anniversary is tomorrow," Mai says, making it sound like small talk with ease. Zuko suddenly feels incredibly suspicious of his wife. He never imagined her to be such a good cheat and liar.

"Yes. I'm thinking Azula will forget," Ty Lee says with a small, defeated sigh.

"Well, what do you want?" Mai asks, prodding Ty Lee in the rib with one finger. Ty Lee jumps and Azusami smirks, her face very much like her mother's for a moment.

"What do I want?" Ty Lee asks with a small note of wistfulness. "Not the same boring jewelry she gets me. What does Zuko get you?"

"Incredibly disappointing gifts," Mai says and Zuko realizes he has completely disappeared from their vision. It is almost creepy how Ty Lee has absolutely forgotten that he is in the room. Then again, she always has been quite full of herself. "If you could have _anything _from her, what would it be? And it has to be something she would really think of or it doesn't count."

Ty Lee picks at her lip as she contemplates the question closely. Azusami leans against her mother and studies Mai with wide, questioning eyes. It seems she can tell something is abnormal, but she says nothing. While Mai has an easy time with Izumi, Azusami has always puzzled the Fire Lady to a certain extent. She has too much of Azula in her for her own good.

"I want her to take me somewhere," Ty Lee says and Mai masks her excitement. "For the night. Somewhere beautiful. I don't care where."

"Maybe she will. You never know," Mai says, putting as much doubt and disdain in her voice as she can summon.

"Yeah," and Ty Lee swiftly changes the subject, much to Mai's relief.

* * *

><p>"Azula, I want to talk to you," mother says and Azula sighs. She lies down on the sofa and glances up at her mother as she clasps her hands over her concave abdomen.<p>

"About father, I'm sure," Azula purrs and Ursa's lip twitches slightly. But she is less likely to show emotion than Mai, particularly in this kind of game.

"Yes," Ursa says, sitting down on the armchair opposite her daughter. She watches how Azula does not make eye contact, although she does with every other person she encounters. "What are you thinking?"

"I don't know yet," Azula says honestly and she feels her mother's small sigh of relief, despite Ursa trying to mask it. "I genuinely don't know."

Ursa studies her daughter closely. So much has happened, too much. Every time she tries to reach out to Azula, she wriggles away. Maybe Ursa deserves it, she does not know. But when she looks at Azula she sees the wedding necklace Ursa gave her, and how Azula said it looked like her throat had been slit.

Those were their differences. She was adequately Ozai's replacement child, and Ursa often wonders if it was nature or nurture. Either way, it is too late for her to change Azula's opinion. The royal family wants to pick up the pieces, but all Ursa can hope is that Azula will recover. Someday, someday. With her little girl and her beautiful wife.

"I just want you to think through what it might do to you," Ursa says and Azula groans with a long, pointedly showy roll of her eyes. "And I'd appreciate it if you stopped acting like a teenager and started acting like an adult. You're a grown woman, a politician with a family of your own. You can't be so childish."

"Perhaps I behave childishly due to arrested development from the cruel abandonment of me by my mother," Azula says in a sing-song tone and Ursa sighs and rubs her temples. "That aside," Azula says, shifting into a more severe tone, "I don't understand why you have so much against father. You of all people are most unaffected by him. Think about our family. He's hurt all of us but you. He _loved _you and that's why he hurt me and Zuko."

"You don't know what you're talking about," Ursa says in a tone so cold Azula is almost impressed.

"No, no I do." Pause. "He banished Zuko because Zuko reminded him of you. Yes, he embarrassed him publicly but that was a shoddy excuse. I liked to tell myself it was to get Zuko out of the way so I could be Fire Lord. But it was because he loved you."

"Maybe," Ursa says, only because she has thought it before. She has thought that many times before.

"I continue with the evidence of _me_. It was his own fault that I was all he had left, of course. I never blamed myself. You, I did blame sometimes. Zuko, for abandoning me. Even Uncle. But he picked them off one by one," Azula says, closing her eyes and taking a calm breath. Ursa is shaking and Azula does not need to see it to revel in it. "He called me by your name more than once. You of all people cannot protest what Zuko and I decide to do with father."

Ursa falls silent.

Azula looks up ever so slightly and sees her mother's eyes swollen with tears.

"I'm not lying to hurt you," Azula says, twisting the knife in the wound. "I'm being honest. But people don't like me when I'm honest and they don't like me when I lie. I can't quite win these days."

Silence.


	3. daughter

A/N: The beginning of this chapter is very Azula and Azusami centered, however, there is the Tyzula anniversary at the end, but a little forewarning that this isn't an exceptionally romantic chapter. This is a fic centered around Azula's family relationships, not just with her wife. But I'm a Tyzula writer, so I promise there's so much packed in its definitely an unrealistic representation of marriage. Just this chapter is mainly mother/daughter focused with a very gooey ultra copious Tyzula 2k words at the end.

* * *

><p>chapter three: daughter<p>

* * *

><p><em>They know they're your heart<br>And you know you are their armor  
>And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm her<br>But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?  
>And everything you stand for, turns on you to spite you?<br>What happens when you become the main source of her pain?  
>"When I'm Gone" - Eminem<em>

* * *

><p>"Azusami, no, just stop, please," Azula exclaims, seizing her child by the wrists.<p>

And then Azusami bursts into hysterics. Azula cringes and lets go of her, entirely unsure what to do. Everyone who said this would eventually get easy is a liar and if Azula had the power, she would exile them permanently. It only gets worse.

"I _want _to! You won't teach me; you just yell at me!" Azusami wails and Azula inhales sharply. She has a point, a horribly sharp and uncomfortable point.

"I will teach you eventually," Azula lies but Azusami sees right through it with an indignant pout.

"No, you won't," Azusami says fiercely, sniffing in forcefully.

Azula does not know how to get out of this one. Her daughter is too clever; she obviously has a point to her discontent. It is true that Azula currently does not intend to teach her firebending. The idea of it is too painful to fathom, and therefore she has been making up excuses. It was inevitable that Azusami would see through them one day.

"I'm sorry," Azula sighs and Azusami does not accept it. She pouts, looking livid, staring at her mother as Azula looks at her own mother. It pains her deeply. "I'll do it eventually. Look, I'll teach you some breathing techniques to help you control the outbursts of fire."

Azusami looks unimpressed and Azula feels a gagging sensation in her throat. The nausea brought on by this is making her dizzy.

She feels obliged to teach her child, but she cannot admit that she does not know _how_. Her father taught her like a lunatic, making her practice on broken glass and spar against ten grown men at once. She went through trainers so quickly that none of their methods stuck with her. But firebending is her _talent _and she should be able to teach her own child how to bend.

"Whatever you want," Azusami says, crossing her arms and pouting her lips.

Azula swallows as her daughter scampers away.

She was never cut out for this parenting thing.

* * *

><p>History isn't always kind. But neither are people.<p>

Azusami asks four questions about her grandfather. Only one Azula can answer.

"Your grandfather is not a bad man," Azula says sharply and is promptly startled by Azusami's stunned and frightened reaction. It is only then that she realizes the vehemence in her words. She tends to detach around Azusami, and now she is very vivid.

"But... he is," Azusami offers, looking hurt and confused. Azula's gut twists as she wonders how she is going to explain this. "Everyone is saying that they don't want him to leave prison because he's a bad man."

"History isn't always kind," Azula says and Azusami seems to understand that. "But people aren't either."

Azusami picks at her fingers and squints her piercing golden eyes. She does not seem to know what to say or do in this situation. And, evidently, Azula does not either. The little girl is three years old and only just figuring things out that Azula would have liked to have buried long ago. But with closets as deep as those in the Fire Nation royal palace, skeletons are plentiful.

It is a welcome change from her complaints about firebending. But also uncomfortable to Azula. Of course she would be curious after hearing Ozai's name tossed around more than it ever has been. Uncle is here and he and Zuko have been arguing about Father for days, and Azula still has yet to make her decision.

Azula hesitates for a moment, deeply wishing Ty Lee were here to divert attention from it or to make some sweet remark that silences their daughter. But Azula knees to be at the eye level of the child she made and the child she has never managed to connect with since the moment her lips chafed her breasts and she cried in Azula's arms but not Ty Lee's.

Their daughter was under the impression that Ty Lee had given birth to her until very recently. Just more skeletons, more lies. More lies.

* * *

><p><em>When Azula is thirteen, "I wouldn't want to mess with you, little princess," father remarks, with a small smile. It is warm and genuine; he does not seem to want something from her. "You're as slick as an oil spill on an iceberg and twice as toxic."<em>

_Azula smiles because she does not know what else to do. It _is _funny and it is his attempt to be loving her. But she is still recovering from the wounds of his latest training exercise that would be suicidal for a weaker bender. She laughs because in this moment he is her father and not a man trying to shape his dynasty in the form of a petite adolescent weapon of war._

_ "I'm definitely more dangerous than anything the Earth Kingdom can throw at you. You should watch out before I just steal the throne and run."_

_ But he does not smile or laugh. It was playful and Azula thought, as they were in the sunlit room in the middle of the palace, it was familial. That they could tease each other. But she touched his insecurity and now he will want nothing to do with her._

_ She can succeed at everything but still fail him every day._

* * *

><p>The first question Azula's daughter asks is the afternoon after Azula told her that Ozai was not a bad man. Evidently she had been taught opposite that by everyone in the family and the friends of the family. By Zuko's friends. <em>Of course <em>by Ty Lee's friends. Azula wants to change it but she comes up short for reasons why Ozai is _not _a bad man.

He did kind things. He cared. Sometimes he listened. He remembered she existed.

But that is all obsolete by the villain in him.

His blood of a monster passed to her and Azula watches it be passed to Azusami and stands by and does nothing. They will all be monsters. But maybe it is preferable to the pain that being human entails.

Life is easier when you're cruel, calm and calculated. Azula has been a flaming, unstable basket case for long enough to know that.

So when Azusami asks, she is not prepared.

"Okay, I wanna know something," declares the small child as she sits down across from her more detached mother and clasps her small, bony hands.

"Yes. You have a right to information," Azula replies and it does not faze her in the slightest. Azula wishes she could feel something for that.

"Why have I never met him?" And for a brief moment Azula nearly has a heart attack as she fears Azusami is asking about _her _father, Kazou, who equated to a biologically necessity. A means to an ends. But... she means Ozai, Azula realizes moments after that terrifying thought. She would rather explain her own father a thousand times over than explain conception despite having two mothers.

"We could," Azula lies and Azusami sees directly through it. "We could but I don't want to."

"Why not?" Azusami presses, frustrated.

"Don't ask things like that." It is the first question Azula cannot answer.

Either because she does not know, or because she does not want her child to know.

The second question comes that evening. Azula is tucking in Azusami much to her unhappiness and unwillingness. She briefly remembers the last story she told, and the one that made Azusami never ask Azula for a bedtime story again. And she sits with her daughter and sees all of her mistakes in her face.

"Are you going to let him out of prison?" Azusami inquires, blinking calmly as if it is not such an invasive question. Azula has been asked it a thousand times today.

"I don't know." She goes back and forth about it regularly.

"I want you to," Azusami says and Azula is startled. She never knows what will come out of her daughter's mouth.

"You don't know him at all. He's... he's toxic." But her lips twitch into a small smile at those words.

"Why are you smiling?" Azusami asks, the fourth and final question. She sits up on her knees and studies her mother closely, like an alert animal.

"He used to say that I was as slick as an oil spill on an iceberg and twice as toxic," Azula laughs with a small smile. "You kind of are too."

"That's funny," Azusami says with a small smile she learned from her mom, not her mother. "Tell me about him. Please. He's my grandfather and I know _all _about mom's family and my cousins but not him."

"I guess..." Azula clears her throat. Most of Ozai is not anything a child can know, but Azusami does have a right to this. Azula secretly wants to get to her before school does. "Your uncle and I have a lot of bad memories of him. Uncle Zuko's scar is... from your grandfather."

"An... accident." Azusami looks naively hopeful and Azula envies her briefly. She never had the chance to be so innocent; the moment Uncle left for war she no longer was a child. The family was mixed up, messed up and conniving. And she found a game she was much better at than dolls and pretend.

"No. A punishment," Azula says, realizing she is not doing a very good job as portraying her father as anything but a bad man.

"What did he do?" Azusami asks, her expression more intrigued than concerned. Azula sees so much of herself in her daughter, and she hates it beyond all else.

"It's a long story," Azula says and Azusami's intrigue is replaced with mild disappointment. "He didn't deserve it, though. Alright, you want to hear a good story about your grandfather that doesn't involve anyone maimed or traumatized..."

"Mhm." Azusami picks up her favorite stuffed animal from her stack. She clutches it to her chest, chewing on its ear. Azula wants to stop her but does not want Azusami to hate her, so she allows it.

"He gave me presents," Azula attempts and Azusami cocks an eyebrow. Azula wants to call her out for her sass, but she does not, because she fears her daughter will hate her. "Maybe that isn't the best example. A lot of them were apology presents. And he didn't know me too well. There was this music box after he forgot my birthday. And a necklace I never wore."

A momentary vision of him draping the necklace over her and then tightening it like a noose. Azusami sees the familiar flicker in her mother's eyes, and it seems normal to her. That fact kills Azula, but there is nothing that can be done. Except pretend she is okay.

"Anybody can give anybody presents," Azusami says, her words slightly slurred. Azula takes a deep breath; from the mouths of babes...

"He taught me how to bend lightning," Azula offers and Azusami studies her. Finally, she nods. Azula feels relief and then feels ridiculous for caring so much what a toddler thinks. "He asked me about my day even though he knew everything that was happening because he instructed my day planners. And he supported all of my... phases. Instead of forcing me to be his image of me, he just believed I would turn out right."

The last part is a lie but it sounds good with the support of her phases. He _did _allow her to do strange things with her hair and experiment in watercolor painting and gardening, both of which she was terrible at and therefore quit after a few days. But he had an idea of what he wanted his daughter to be, and if she did not conform to it, she would pay.

"You know, if he was a bad father, I would have killed him and taken the throne. Maybe I just thought that was what a father was supposed to be. I do think he loved me, Azusami." Azula is not lying now. And her daughter can tell. "I think he _loves _me. More than my mother ever did, at least. We used to make scathing remarks about people, and sometimes he would take me out to restaurants and we would play games about the people around us."

"Like what?" Azusami's eyes glitter with excitement.

"Ones I don't necessarily want to tell you because you will _play them_. But they were fun," Azula says and Azusami tilts her head to the side. "Alright, there was _who is a spy_... which probably is a terrible game given to what he did to actual spies. There was the more cruel one of _what did they sell to afford this restaurant. _Erm, _daughter or mistress_, which your mom and aunt made up. A lot of them."

"I don't get those," Azusami says and Azula shrugs.

"You probably shouldn't, as a child," Azula says and Azusami looks annoyed. She is terrible; Azula has genuinely produced a terrible child. "Maybe I'll teach you how to play when you're older."

* * *

><p><em>Eleven years ago, Azula is livid. She has chewed her lip to bloodied shreds to keep from screaming horrible things that would cost her the throne. But her father simply sits there, hands clasped, looking at her as if this is any ordinary dinner.<em>

_ "You look displeased. Do you need something?" father asks and Azula clenches her jaw to keep from breathing fire or something more drastic._

_ "You. Sent. Your. Advisor. To. Take. Me. For. My. Birthday. Dinner." And he barely reacts to her slow, angry, timed words._

_ "I was occupied, little princess," father says, cracking his knuckles. He examines the dangerous red of his daughter's nose and the way she looks like she is about to toss the table over. But she knows better, far better._

_ "Well, let's see, to make up for missing my birthday, first, you give me a _necklace_. It's certainly a step up from _music box_, but I'm not some mistress of yours who can be handed gold and a word of apologies. I'm your _child_. I'm all you have left because you drove your entire family away. And then, when I ask to be taken on a birthday dinner ─ kindly, mind you ─ I get ready to go and you've sent your _advisor_ to take me." Pause. It seems to have an effect. "I slept with him."_

_ It's a lie. But the message of 'Azula always lies' never got to Ozai's ears because he did not want to hear it. They trust each other not because they are trustworthy, but because they are all that remains in the family._

_ Of course Azula did not sleep with him. She has already expressed her interest in women to her father, but he would jump to conclusions. It would pain him. An innocent man is going to die tomorrow and Azula does not care because she wants to watch the pain and rage in her father's eyes._

_ "You wouldn't." His words are hesitant._

_ "Of course I did." The sound of footsteps of a servant escaping the dining room before sparks fly. "I'm sure he liked it."_

_ "You're thirteen. Azula..." He is enraged but at a loss for words and Azula feels _high_ on it._

_ "Well, I think that's how dinner dates are supposed to end, isn't it?" Azula purrs. "I didn't intend to tell you, obviously, I value my life. But I feel you should know that you drove me into the arms of a man three times my age. I mean, with the way he was looking at me, I couldn't help but do it."_

_ He melts his knife. Azula masks her delight._

_ "Go to your room."_

_ "Gladly." Azula stands up and starts to walk away. She hesitates with her back to him, her fingers moving slightly with her thoughts. "I miss you, father."_

_ "What?"_

_ "I miss you. That's why it hurt. That's why I wanted to hurt you. Because you used to care. It's not just you losing everybody. It's supposed to be us against the world. It's not anymore."_

_ She walks away before she can cry, because she feels her nose tingling with tears._

* * *

><p>"You're not very good at bedtime stories are you?" Azusami sighs, but she looks satisfied with her new knowledge of her grandfather.<p>

"He was much better at bedtime stories than I am," Azula says and Azusami raises an eyebrow. She always looks amused when Azula admits her own inadequacies and it is terrible. "Given, they all fit his political agenda for me. But I particularly liked hearing about how the royal family was descended from dragons."

"What?" Azusami nearly falls off of her bed and it takes Azula's lightning fast reflexes to save her. After Azula positions her back leaning against her plush pillow, Azula nods.

"Nobody told you that story? Hm. Well, it's less cohesive with the entire anti-nationalist movement your uncle has been trying. I consider it painting over our history, but honestly all of us would have been strung up by the other nations if he didn't," Azula says and Azusami hesitates.

"What does _strung up _mean?" Azusami inquires, blinking slowly.

Azula watches her daughter's eyelashes graze her porcelain skin and feels a slight hint of regret for using such violent language. She genuinely does not know how to parent. Her father took her to executions and told her not to look away. Azula wants differently for her child.

"Executed. Hanged. Well, there are many manners of legal execution, but that's the least messy. Burned at the stake is a little archaic these days," Azula says and Azusami looks darkly intrigued. Children are such violent creatures.

"I don't want that to happen to me," Azusami says quietly and Azula nods, unsure what else to say.

"The royal family is supposed to be descended from dragons," Azula says, deciding to continue with her story. "I don't think it's true but there are a lot of lengthy stories about the origins of the royal family. Conquests and violence. I don't think there's ever been genuine peace in the world. But the stories about the dragons, I really loved."

"There aren't any dragons anymore," Azusami remarks, lying down flat on her back.

"My uncle killed the last one," Azula says with a small sigh. "It's unfortunate. If I saw one, I honestly don't think I would kill it. Princess Azula the Conqueror never caught on and the whole dragon title just seems redundant if I'm descended from dragons anyway. The royals are supposed to have a special bond with dragons, not that I'll ever get to test it."

"So... I'm like a dragon." Azusami's eyes are bright and excited.

"I suppose." Azula shrugs.

"Rawr." Azusami makes claws with her hand and bares her teeth like fangs. Azula can't help but laugh. "Rawr, rawr."

She moves up from her calm, lying position and starts padding around the bed in her best impression of a creature she has only seen paintings of. Azula is shaking with silent giggles as her daughter pretends to breathe fire and feebly destroy her stuffed animals.

"Rawr."

Azula slowly shakes her head.

That night Azula has a recurring dream she has not had in a long time. It is one that plagued her from the ages of twelve to fourteen, every night, but went away when her childhood fears were replaced with psychosis and misery.

When she wakes, her hands shoot to her abdomen.

She is not bleeding.

No scaled, winged, bright blue creature has burst from her palpitating gut.

The only monster she has given birth to does not have to be a monster if Azula does this right.

But, to be honest, even when she tries to remember her happy moments with her father, Azula does not think she has the tools to raise a child.

People aren't born monsters. But at this rate, Azula is sure Azusami will also become one.

She does not fall back to sleep.

* * *

><p>"Anniversary, anniversary, anniversary," Ty Lee says, sounding thrilled. Azula has not seen her so excited in quite a while and it feels nice. Even when their daughter first firebended, Ty Lee was not so aglow. Azula could use her for a reading lamp right now.<p>

"I have something wonderful planned. Don't think I've forgotten that it's been ten years," Azula purrs, kissing Ty Lee gently on the lips. Ty Lee leans into it, inhaling slowly, breathing in the perfume she has affectionately called _musk of fear_ in the past to mock her wife. But she loves it.

"You remembered," Ty Lee says, smiling faintly.

"Well, it's hard to forget. I mean, I quantify time in how long it's been since the comet." Azula shrugs and Ty Lee slowly shakes her head. Ty Lee grabs Azula's hand and they walk away from the palace, buzzing with excitement.

"I'm kidnapping you," Azula whispers in Ty Lee's ear. Azula's breath tickles her neck and it feels marvelous.

"Yay," Ty Lee says with a dark hint to her voice. Now Azula wishes she _had _opted for the kidnapping as an anniversary gift. All she has to show for it is taking her wife to a special place and trying to be _heartfelt_.

They arrive after a journey, and Ty Lee is pleasantly surprised to find herself in Sozin Memorial Meadow.

"I cleared out the plaza, if you want to go there," Azula says as soon as her feet touch the ground. Ty Lee looks at her, how intoxicating she is although her hair is slightly out of place from a lengthy day riddled with the resistance.

"How did you do _that_?" Ty Lee asks, linking her elbow with Azula's as if they are children. She expects the princess to wriggle away, but she does not. Perhaps this anniversary will turn out better than all the others.

"You know," Azula purrs, "I'm _basically _Fire Lord these days."

"Oh, really?" Ty Lee responds smoothly, cocking an eyebrow with a seductive smirk. "Well, I might just have to exploit that."

"I might enjoy exploiting it for you." A small wink that makes Ty Lee slowly shake her head. Cheesy, horrifically cheesy. But endearing.

Ty Lee kisses her and tastes her lips. There is a fire inside of her when she does that still has not died despite all they have been through. And slowly they walk to the beautiful plaza of classical gazebos and endless statues of famous Fire Lords.

Azula slips away from Ty Lee and strikes a pose in front of Sozin that makes Ty Lee _glad _Azula rented out the entire place.

"Family resemblance?"

"You're a little less made of metal," Ty Lee replies and Azula rolls her eyes. "Although, your body is made of gold."

"Made of gold?" Azula walks away with a small glance at her great grandfather, and sits down with Ty Lee at a stone table.

It is smooth and clean; this park was in disrepair during Ozai's reign, but Zuko has cleaned it up. Not enough to make the resistance want to stop killing him, but Azula finds it nice that he is horribly trying to show compassion to the country. It keeps her busy.

"Like, liquid gold. Hot and divine," Ty Lee says, her girlish voice detracting from the poeticism of her words.

"My father used to say my mother's soul was woven of starlight," Azula says, hoping she has not killed the romance with a mention of Ozai and the memories of the predicament. "I disagree."

"If you _had _a soul, I'm sure yours would be made of something far more priceless and gorgeous than starlight."

"I think it would be a compilation of the souls of my fallen enemies," Azula purrs and Ty Lee laughs, rolling her eyes carelessly. "Now you, hm, your body is made of sunlight and your soul is definitely made of cyclones."

"_Cyclones_?" Ty Lee scoffs and Azula shrugs. "You're so romantic."

"Well," Azula says, hoping she will not regret her words. "You're a storm I'd chase even if it would kill me."

"I think _you're _the tempest in this relationship. I have it pretty togetherish," Ty Lee chirps and Azula shakes her head. "But I appreciate the gesture, Storm Chaser Azula."

"Please, Storm Chaser Azula was my great times twelve grandmother; call me Princess Azula the Conqueror." Pause. "Or Sex Goddess Azula. Yes I'll settle for that one."

"My anniversary gift to you is agreeing to that, Princess Azula the Conqueror," Ty Lee says with a smile creeping across her face. "It's cringeworthy."

"It's catchy," Azula corrects and Ty Lee shrugs.

"I think I actually kind of like Crazy Princess and Circus Freak. We could be a duo and solve crime!" Ty Lee exclaims, the idea just hitting her.

"They'll tell stories of our exploits from the Air Temples to Ba Sing Se. _Crazy Princess and Circus Freak_, true heroes. Or villains, depending on how we go with this," Azula declares regally, her voice making it sound like a genuine tale of grandeur and not a mocking remark.

"_Anti_-heroes." Ty Lee's protuberant eyes sparkle and shine.

"I'll take it," Azula says. "Now wine. Definitely wine."

But as soon as they open a bottle and Azula is about to try to make things heartfelt as Zuko instructed, she hears a small crash.

"What was that?" Azula demands, wine spilling on her hand. Ty Lee seizes a cloth napkin and wipes it off of Azula, who has not noticed she is dripping blood red liquid.

"It's teens getting drunk or something. Relax."

Another crash. Azula swallows.

"Alright, wine, wine. I wanted to get you something very sentimental for this anniversary. I know you love trinkets but seeing as I can get anything money can and can't buy, I figured that taking you somewhere nice and confessing my undying love would suffice," Azula says and Ty Lee feels her heart melt. _Oh_, it is absolutely perfect.

"You know me so well, Princess Azula the Conqueror. That's really what I wanted." Her words are genuine and not sarcastic.

It is definitely worth Mai and Zuko's very reasonable price.

"Ah, well, yes. I contemplated starting a war for you but Zuko said it would be gory and gross," Azula says with a small shrug.

"So where's this undying love confession?" Ty Lee leans forward on the table and bats her eyes.

"The first day I saw you was the third day of school. You had already become the most popular girl, to which Mai and I were not surprised at all about. We were outcasts because people were scared of my grandfather and I don't think the muscles that make smiles work in her face. They had atrophied by the age of eight."

Ty Lee already likes this. There is a crash and a shriek and Azula squirms slightly. But Azula bites down on her lip and continues. This is her anniversary and her paranoia is _not _going to interfere.

"I wanted to destroy you at first. Then I wanted to be friends with you, mostly so nobody else would have you. And then there was just this one moment when I first really saw you and you were braiding some girl's hair. And there was this part of me that wanted to just turn down the hall and keep things uncomplicated."

"Yes," Ty Lee interrupts, looking downright gleeful. She thinks Azula may be making this story up, but it does not matter, because Azula is not one to say romantic things, and she is right now.

"Part of me said: please don't let her look at me, because then I can look away. Part of me screamed: please look at me, please let her look at me." Pause. Azula loves giving a speech; it thrills her. The perfectly timed pause is an unrivaled rush. "You looked at me."

Before Ty Lee can burst into tears and possibly tear off her clothes, the crash and scream develops into three trees catching on fire.

Azula leaps up and with one hand shoves Ty Lee out of the way of a burning arrow.

_Of course_.

No rest for the wicked.

* * *

><p>AN: This update is _very _late and I sincerely apologize. Since I pre-write, usually when things come up I can still find the time to turn the rough draft into a final draft, but literally I got super sick, I had four vo sessions and some family issues, and during the holiday madness. So this and Flowers, which needed at least 4 hours of edits to make presentable, got kind of pushed aside to deal with life problems. It's unlikely that so much stuff will get in the way again.

I just really would have rather waited to have the time to make this chapter really good instead of rushed or god forbid just posted the rough draft. I hope that's okay. Thank you so much for your patience.


	4. blades

chapter four: blades

* * *

><p><em>"Shall the clay say to him that fashioneth it, What makest thou?"<br>- Isaiah 45:9 -  
><em>

* * *

><p>It happens quickly; the assault is fast and Azula and Ty Lee barely have time to leap into defensive positions. Azula glances around, trying to find the source of the fire and arrows, but they do not reveal themselves. Behind the trees, most likely, because the groomed park has no place to hide in.<p>

"Should we run or...?" Ty Lee asks, but then the assailants arrive. Azula vaults over the side of the gazebo they were beneath and runs directly towards the four men and two women who decided to ruin her perfect anniversary.

"Don't you dare ruin my ─" _Gasp_. "─ anniversary!"

Azula pins the strongest looking man to the ground and sets her foot on his neck before quickly taking down a woman coming at her with a sharp blade with lightning. It strikes the sword first, and then her body. She presses down her foot until there is a cracking noise and glances around. One of them has to be the leader.

Ty Lee has laid waste to everyone in her path and Azula looks around. It felt as if there were more, but there is no one left. Just bodies.

"Are you alive?" Ty Lee calls as she runs across the park to her wife.

"Yes," Azula says halfheartedly, but her eyes are coasting over the corpses for anything that can identify them. No masks, but clearly they were organized. Not even a piece of paper or a symbol or a tattoo against their skin.

Maybe it was just an assassination attempt. Those happen frequently against leaders of nations, and Azula should not consider this out of the ordinary. But in her dealings with the resistance and the General, whom is still very much alive, she always wonders when they will strike.

They wouldn't just sit in the shadows forever. Not after all Azula has done to them.

Ty Lee kisses her and grabs her hand. "Let's get out of this place. We'll tell, er, somebody about the mess."

"Mhm," Azula murmurs as Ty Lee pulls her across the park and towards the other side. They pass two teenagers making out and Azula tries not to laugh. "We were that once," Azula whispers to Ty Lee and Ty Lee cringes.

"Really? Ugh. At least we weren't as bad as Mai and Zuko." They pass the teens with no regard for public decency and wind up by the lake with clear, blue water.

"That was... I don't even know what that was. It happened so fast," Azula comments as they stare at the water.

"It was an assassination attempt. And not a very good one. We get a lot of those," Ty Lee says, looking concerned. Azula hates that face; it's the _I think you're crazy_ face that Ty Lee sometimes has, although she will never admit it. "You're worried."

Azula shrugs. "No, it's probably just the same people who are pissed off at our family. We're not exactly beloved yet, even after ten years. I'm trying to make them hate us less."

"I know," Ty Lee says with a shrug. She kisses Azula on the lips before she says more.

"Well, it least it made tonight a little more interesting," Azula purrs as the kiss breaks. "There's nothing like a gruesome fight to liven up a dull date. I really do enjoy the faces of men twice your size when you paralyze them."

"That's what I'm good at." Ty Lee shrugs. "That and... _other things_."

"Don't do that. It's not as sexy as you think it is," Azula says, slowly shaking her head.

"Other things didn't have to be sexual. You assumed that."

"You definitely meant it sexually. I'm pretty good at reading people."

"Not me."

"Oh, you think you're immune because I married you?"

"Well, with all of the things I've been hiding from you, of course," Ty Lee says mockingly with a small smile. "Those affairs and all of my lovers and everything, of course. And how much I love your mother. Of course, I'm sleeping with Zuko and you never even figured it out from him."

"Sh." Azula presses her lips against Ty Lee's and they graze against her teeth.

"Can't stop smiling, sorry," Ty Lee breathes before kissing Azula back. "Azula, if you ever actually hide anything from me, I will kill you."

"I know," Azula says softly, her breath tickling Ty Lee's neck. "The conditions of our marriage was that I _never lie to you again_. And, you seem to have some kind of weird fetish for honesty."

"Not a weird fetish. Most people like having honest partners," Ty Lee mutters and Azula ignores her.

"Do you want to cut this short? It's all... humid out," Azula says and Ty Lee nods sharply.

* * *

><p>"That was so fun," Ty Lee breathes as they slip past Zuko and Mai's room and hear them asleep. Azula supposes Zuko will find out from someone panicked in the morning about all of the corpses, and that thought entertains her as they creep even more carefully past Azusami's room, and finally make it to theirs.<p>

"Success," Azula murmurs, quietly shutting the door. "Ew. I feel like I'm fourteen."

Ty Lee sits down on the bed, bouncing from the force and narrowly missing hitting her head on the bedposts. Azula stifles her laughter.

"There is a lot of sneaking around involved at this age too," Ty Lee says with a small shrug. "I'm actually way more afraid of waking up our daughter than I was of waking up your father."

"I actually agree," Azula remarks, grabbing a chair and pressing it against the door. A make-shift lock, because apparently she cannot be trusted to lock her door.

"I made you unlock your door," Ty Lee croons, looking proud of herself. Azula sighs as she tiptoes to the bed and sits down. "You were all depressed and miserable and I made you unlock your door because you missed me so much."

"I, to this day, have no idea how you got me out of my bed." Pause. "Or, how you got into it, for that matter."

Ty Lee holds Azula's hand in hers. It's almost a cute gesture, if Azula's heart weren't still pounding from nearly being assassinated. She raises it for a moment and kisses her fingers between the knuckles, feather-light kisses from soft, coral pink lips. It sends a tingling feeling up Azula's arm, like lightning coursing through her.

"I got into it because you simply can't resist me even if you try," Ty Lee says, turning Azula's shoulder to face her. "Your eyes are really stunning."

"Oh, what's next? Nice necklace?"

"I'm not looking at your cleavage, calm down. They're like perfect gold."

"Yes, that does run in my family." Azula thinks this is going absolutely nowhere as the tingling sensation fades. "You haven't noticed them? We've known each other for what, nearly twenty years?"

"You shut up. I'm trying to tell you I love you," Ty Lee snaps, shoving Azula.

"Good job," Azula replies and Ty Lee glares at her. "Do I have to compliment you on something obvious now? You have nice lips."

"See, not so hard, is it?" Ty Lee asks and Azula does not know why she loves this woman. "I used to tell boys to give me twenty words to describe my beauty before I would let them kiss me."

"That's even crueler than the time I made my day planner draw me a picture of a cat before I would get out of bed," Azula says, her voice cracking slightly.

She can't manage to cover up her jealousy when Ty Lee talks about her multitude of boyfriends, and she then wonders if Ty Lee saying Azula was her first, her last and her everything is all just an elaborate lie.

"Are you jealous?" Ty Lee looks genuinely excited by that.

"No, of course not. I've had lots of boyfriends. You just haven't met them."

Ty Lee pushes her down and she shrieks. Azula has only been caught by surprise by three opponents: her uncle, her father and Ty Lee. And only one of them makes it remotely sexy.

She is on top of her and Azula takes a deep breath. This is an incredibly unpredictable night and Azula does not like that; she prefers everything to be predictable and for herself to be prepared for them. Ty Lee's lips touch her neck, the same electricity, the same way she shocks her and it feels very fitting given Azula's signature move.

And she somehow takes her clothes off with ease, her body illuminated by the red glow of dying lamps and moonlight through red curtains. She genuinely is perfect; nearly as perfect as Azula. And they are perfect for each other.

Their bodies touch, and lips, and Ty Lee's thigh touches hers to a wet heat as they lie there, slowly, not as frantic as it used to be, but that is not a bad thing as they would have imagined once.

Ty Lee runs her fingers along Azula's body, and she wonders if she counts her scars. And then she wonders what caused them and the rage hurts until she kisses her neck, and her clavicle and forces herself to forget.

They sink into each other.

Perfect in its imperfections.

* * *

><p>Iroh arrives to excitement from everyone but Azula. Mother loves him because he cared for Zuko when she could not, Zuko loves him because he doted on him, the children love him because he is good with kids and brings gifts, Ty Lee loves him because they get along perfectly, even Mai likes him. Azula, on the other hand, cannot forgive him, no matter how hard she tries.<p>

They talked about how he was like her. The resentment faded slightly as Azula came to terms with her family. Her uncle even came first; she was the first relative Azula gave a chance to. Then her brother. Her father. And never her mother. _Never _her mother.

So, although Azula does not despise Iroh as much as she used to, she sits in the parlor waiting for him with her arms crossed, already unhappy. Azusami watches her mother, looking as if she is wondering why she looks so angry.

Azula breathes in sharply as her uncle arrives, walks in and Azusami and Izumi run to him. He _is _good with them both, and Azula has to admit she appreciates that. When she was a child, he was also that way with she and Zuko, but that ended fairly quickly. It was not even after Zuko was banished when her uncle started to resent her; Azula was perhaps seven or eight.

"Presents!" Izumi screams, looking more excited than she should. Zuko cringes slightly, but Iroh is not bothered by it.

"Of course I have presents. Don't doubt me," Iroh says with a sparkle in his eyes that Azula finds strange.

The girls instantly run away with their gifts, which are wooden swords that Iroh opened his mouth to tell a story about, but they disappeared with before he could speak.

"Someone should probably follow them. What with the weapons," Mai announces but she does not move. Zuko averts his eyes, Azula stares at her steely faced, and Ty Lee sighs loudly and prances after their children and their new fake swords.

"You know what you got me?" Azula asks and Iroh examines her. "A _doll_. That was the last gift I ever got from you. Zuko gets birthday presents. You have given Ty Lee gifts, but never me. What did I do to not deserve presents?"

Iroh shrugs. "I can get you something if you want."

"I would like that," Azula says, her tone far too grave for the occasion.

"Is this going to be like the time when you didn't get what you wanted for your birthday so your father gave you a second birthday and had new gifts wrapped for you that you actually asked for and we came back over and pretended it was your birthday?" Mai asks to Zuko's laughter. Azula purses her lips and leans back on the sofa.

"Azula takes her birthdays very seriously," Zuko says as calmly as he can, but he is still laughing slightly at the image of his father giving Azula a second birthday.

"There's nothing wrong with that," Azula says sharply and Zuko shrugs in response. "I'm pretty sure you all owe me some gifts as well, for all of those years you had me imprisoned and psychoanalyzed and chained to things. Five years of presents, to be exact. And you, mother, owe me even more."

"You sound like my daughter," Mai says, sighing. "Except, she's seven and you're over twenty. I can't take you very seriously."

Azula leaves. Again, running from her problems. It has become a bad habit of late, but is arguably healthier than attacking people at the other end of the extreme.

"Why is she so angry?" Iroh asks as soon as she's gone.

Mai sighs and explains in a monotone, "She internalizes deep emotions she's too afraid to share, then comes up with petty excuses for them like birthday presents or the way she takes her tea. She's genuinely afraid of expressing what she's actually upset about, and so she instead comes up with frivolous excuses to shriek angrily at people."

"Zuko did that too," Iroh says and Zuko looks wounded.

"I think she feels like you owe her a childhood, not birthday presents. Because you gave Zuko a childhood, and she didn't," Mai says, turning a palm up. Ursa looks completely baffled by her daughter-in-law. "It's almost a beautiful metaphor."

Iroh has no idea how to respond to that. He tries to avoid thinking too much about Azula's past, and instead focus on her future when he comes to visit. She has come a long way for someone who fell so far, and he is proud of her, regardless of their hard feelings.

He starts conversation with Zuko to try to free himself of the bitterness Azula spat.

* * *

><p>"You've been hiding all day," comes a voice behind Azula and she jumps and gasps.<p>

"How did you find me?" Azula demands of her uncle.

She is in a hallway that has been boarded off from lack of use and severe burn damage. Zuko found no reason to waste funds repairing it, so he just closed it off. And she has, on many days since Azusami's birth, slipped through the boards and hid. She is deeply ashamed of it, but she feels she has no choice.

"Lucky guess," Iroh says, sitting down beside her. She visualizes herself killing him and it stops her from actually attacking him. Oh, how weak she has gotten as she ages and surrenders more and more to her brother. "You seem distressed."

"They didn't tell you?" Azula asks, cocking an eyebrow. "About how I'm supposed to be deciding my father's fate and everyone asks me if I've made my mind up every five minutes? Perhaps you have some input, seeing as everyone thinks you have such infinite wisdom."

"No one said anything. What do you mean his fate?" Iroh is genuinely startled by this news. No one has mentioned Ozai in a very long time, and he wonders why it is brought up now.

"The Avatar asked me to redeem him," Azula says and Iroh's eyes flash wide. "I don't know what I want to do."

"That's... a difficult choice."

"I'm sure you want me to let him die in prison as punishment for his abhorrent crimes?"

"I think he is past being able to change like you and your brother. But..." Iroh does not finish and Azula is surprised. She was certain she was about to get a lecture that would make her want to puncture her eardrums with her nails.

"Well, you're no help either." Silence. "Will you teach my daughter firebending?"

That comes out of nowhere for Iroh. He did not expect to ever hear those words, particularly from Azula. He is not able to say anything at first in shock.

"That's your job. I wouldn't take it from you. My father taught me, your father taught you, and it has been that way for a long time."

"Hm," is all Azula replies and she instantly regrets asking.

She does not tell him that he is the second most powerful firebender other than herself. Or that she believes his teaching style is likely superior to Ozai's, and less illegal and brutally violent. Most of all, she does not tell him that she is unable to do what her ancestors have done for millenia.

Not for the first time, the only word Azula can think is _failure_.

All else is impossible to think about.

* * *

><p>"I want you to find a worse father than you, and then you can make that argument." Azula is leaning against the wall in the prison cell basked in blue light. "Go on. I've given you plenty of time. Who's a worse father than you? And don't say your own unless you have some significant supporting evidence, because last time I checked he didn't banish you and burn your face half off."<p>

"I would have said my own," Ozai remarks, sounding mildly frustrated. He would greatly prefer if his daughter would simply make her decision instead of taunting him with games. His input will not matter when she chooses, and they both know it. She is only teasing him.

"Just admit you're the worst father ever," Azula says with a shrug.

"I don't believe that. Unless you'd like me to grovel and lie like your wife."

Azula's eyes flash. "You're really not doing a good job of convincing me to release you from prison. So, why _aren't _you the worst father ever?"

"While you both may have gained some poor qualities from my raising of you, everything positive about you two comes from my influence, whether intentional or not. What would you be without my guidance?"

"Probably not an ex-convict." Azula shrugs and her father's lip twitches with a brief snarl. "Go on. What is it about me that's just so wonderful, that _you _gave to me? Also, you should probably throw in a little about Zuko. I _am _taking him into account."

"I was a good parent for eleven years. That's more than a lot of people."

"Do you know how old I am?"

Pause. He has to think about it. "Twenty-four."

"Yes. So how many years were you a terrible parent, with that math?"

"Thirteen," he replies, realizing he is losing this debate. Azula looks displeased, but she does not say any more, and he supposes she is waiting for him to continue. "If I was such a bad father, you would've killed me and taken the throne."

Azula's expression flashes to one he has never seen before on her face. "That's why you were awful to me, I realized later in life. You were afraid of me. Because I was stronger than you by the time I was twelve. That's when you turned from the loving father to the cruel one. You were scared. It wasn't because your _life was out of control_. It was because you thought if you could control me, I wouldn't control you."

"I was right," he says and her cheeks flush, a strange purplish tone in the blue light. Ozai knows there will be no more progress in this direction. "I hear your daughter started firebending."

"How do you know that?" She narrows her eyes at him.

"You think I'm uninterested in my family just because you and your brother cut ties? I want to know about you both and my grandchildren."

"After all these years, you still spy on us." Azula laughs and shakes her head. "It's kind of sweet of you. She's good."

"I would like to meet her, someday," Ozai says and there is an earnestness about his voice. Azula supposes despite how much of his humanity he stripped away, he would still want to see his grandchild.

"She was asking about you yesterday. I made up half of what I told her, but a couple of things were true," Azula says and he looks at her small smile in the blue light. "I told her that you used to tell me I was slicker than an oil spill on an iceberg and twice as toxic. And about the dragon stories you used to tell me."

Azula falters slightly. She feels more confused than she has since her crossroads years ago.

"And she looks like you, I heard," Ozai says, filling the silence.

"Yes." Azula studies him closely.

"Do you see everything you hate about yourself in her?"

Azula hesitates for a moment, and just as Ozai thinks he has her, she leaves.

He sees her shoulders shake slightly as she slams the door and twists the lock.

* * *

><p><em>When Azula is eleven, she attends the funeral of her grandfather. She keeps silent because she knows to keep silent. And she withholds information because information is invaluable. It is long, very long, and her father rushes a coronation, which makes him look awfully suspicious in her opinion.<em>

_ She sits beside Zuko, neither of them speaking. Their white clothes no longer look virgin; they are wrinkled and lived in. Half of her hair rests around her face, and her skin is damp with sweat from both fire and the sun. Her golden eyes occasional flicker up to Zuko, and then look away._

_ He cried all of last night and she somewhat wondered why she did not._

_ "Are you okay?" Azula asks, clawing at anything to say. No one has asked it all day, although she feels as if someone should have. It would only make sense, but maybe people are afraid. Or they want to imagine that their prince and princess are divine beings descended from dragons and not children._

_ "Am I what?" Zuko looks confused and Azula averts her eyes. "I don't know. Are you?"_

_ Azula shrugs. She has nothing better to say._

_ "My legs hurt," Azula says with a yawn and Zuko looks disgusted. She does not know why, and she tries not to care. What he thinks of her has mattered in the past, but she is on her own now and there is no one to coddle them._

_ Azula's childhood ends today. It fades away as her clothes lose their perfect, clean white. Zuko's last longer, if only because he lives in denial until his banishment._

_ She knows better, for some reason. _

_ Or at least she thinks she does._

* * *

><p>"It's like we give them fake swords and they're entertained for hours. Is it just our children that are violent or is it everyone's?" Mai asks as Azusami and Izumi are sparring with toy swords.<p>

"All children like to pretend to kill each other. It's better than them _actually_ trying to kill each other," Azula replies with a soft shrug. "I think your daughter is better at this than mine."

It is true. Izumi has a certain way with her fake sword, and Azusami is spending most of the fight hiding and running. They're pretending to be different people, but before they even picked up their swords, they spent a good hour describing their hair and appearance and jobs and family members. It is a level of meticulous Azula and Mai don't remember ever being. Mostly their games just involved Azula giving orders, and Mai and Ty Lee were both fine with that.

"Well, Zuko is good at swords," Mai says with a shrug.

"I've seen you with a sword too. You're good. You've bred it into her," Azula says, captivated by the well orchestrated fight. They keep telling each other where to go, which makes it predictable, but no less interesting.

"Azusami asked me how to play daughter or mistress today," Mai says with a brief smile creeping onto her lips. Azula groans.

"I told her not to mention that to anyone."

"That was a fun game. It would be boring now, though, because as Fire Lady I have an uncomfortably comprehensive knowledge of every rich man's mistress," Mai says with a shrug. Azula does not know how to respond to that. "Did we do that?"

Azusami shrieks a battle cry and Mai's arms twitch to pull Izumi out of the way before her daughter performs some kind of warrior's roll out of the way. Well, that was impressive. Mai looks confused and Azula only laughs.

"Did we teach them that?" Mai whispers and Azula shrugs.

"Nope."

"Violent, violent children. We give them any toy they ask for, and Iroh hands them some cheap wooden swords from some Earth Kingdom street vendor and they play for days," Mai sighs.

"So, like us."

"Yes. That's exactly what I'm afraid of," Mai says, shrugging with a deep breath. Azula wonders for a moment if she ever sees what she loathes about herself in Izumi.

"I would be disappointed if my daughter grew up to be just like me," Azula says and Mai looks more confused than when Izumi pulled off a battle roll. "What? You really think I'm such a great role model?"

"Well, no, but I thought you would think of yourself as a good one," Mai says with a shrug. She looks like she wants to avoid the topic and Azula is glad of it. "You're not that bad, Azula. I'd be happy if my daughter inherited some of you. Not the whole... massacring people and going to prison and asylums, but the other parts of you."

"Mhm?"

"I'm not going to list them. You don't need that," Mai snaps and Azula chews on the inside of her cheek. "Why haven't you taught her firebending?"

"I don't feel like it." Azula gives her daughter one last glance and leaves before she has to answer.

Running, running, running. Azula needs to stop running from her problems. But facing them is too much for her to bear. It is moments like these when she knows why she rejected Azusami when she was a baby. Because the consequences are great and terrible.

She hides for the rest of the day to avoid being asked about her father or Azusami.

Azula is sickened by her _hiding_. She does not do that. Azula refuses to go down without a fight. She conquered Ba Sing Se, and she conquered lightning and she has even conquered her own anguish and depression, but... now she hides like some kind of coward. Azula is not _vulnerable _like this.

She is not a coward. And she needs to stop _hiding_. It is not who she is or who she wants to e.

And so she decides to make her choice and stick with it.

It is what she would have done when she was powerful.

* * *

><p>"For maximum damage," Mai says, her eyes flickering up and down Azula for a brief second, "I suggest releasing your father while your uncle is still here."<p>

"This can't end well for everybody, can it?" Azula sighs, sitting down at Mai's feet. Her waist touches the knees of her best friend and sister-in-law. She remembers how Mai nearly killed her after Azula's massacre in Ba Sing Se, but then she became Azula's closest ally. Destiny is a funny thing.

"It absolutely can't," Mai says, looking entertained by it all.

"I think I've made my decision."


	5. blame

A/N: In this chapter, every character has a very, very slanted opinion. I want to say up front that I don't believe any of their opinions or thoughts, and that they're all biased, and that's kind of the point of introducing Ozai to this fic. So, kind of keep in mind that none of the characters are stating fact about Ozai, or even anything close to the truth. They all have their own distorted view of him and his actions.

* * *

><p>chapter five: blame<p>

* * *

><p><em>"There are some mothers you just can't love, for they don't want you to love them."<br>- Flowers in the Attic, V.C. Andrews -_

* * *

><p>"I'm releasing my father from prison and no one can stop me," Azula declares at breakfast. Ty Lee's eyes flash in rage, Mai makes a sound somewhat like laughter, Iroh tilts his head to the side as if he did not hear her properly, Zuko nods solemnly and Ursa spills her drink all over the table.<p>

"You can't do that!" Ursa exclaims vehemently and Zuko shakes his head. "Zuko, tell her she can't do this."

"We told her that it was her choice. If that's what she chooses, that's what she chooses," Zuko says calmly and Azula smirks. "It also means that she takes responsibility for anything he does." Her smirk instantly fades.

"That's a little unfair," Azula mumbles but the breakfast table has broken out in arguments. Mai watches with a gleam in her eyes.

"What's happening?" Izumi whispers in her father's ear, edging away from the shrieking Ty Lee.

"You released _me_ from prison, mother!" Azula shouts over her wife's anger and Iroh's attempt at a calm tone. "How is this different?"

Silence. Everyone turns to Azula, and then Ursa.

"Because you were a child being inhumanely treated. _He _is an adult who treats children inhumanely," Ursa says slowly, each word pointed. Usually she fades into the background, but right now she looks about to combust.

"I'm releasing him and there is nothing you can do," Azula says, ignoring the molten glare from the woman she married. "I understand that some of you will be unhappy about this. But you _did _leave it up to me."

"It's not like he can do anything without his bending or political power," Mai interrupts and Zuko studies her closely. Why she is so supportive of releasing Ozai is something he longs to know. "I mean, honestly, Izumi and Azusami probably could defeat him in a fight if they worked together."

"Why do you want this, Azula?" Ursa demands and Azula thinks she genuinely wants to know. Iroh waits as well, and Zuko knows the look on his face means he is observing the situation before he strikes.

"That's my decision. I don't have to justify it to you," Azula says, bristling. "I know him better than you people. That's why it's my choice."

Iroh opens his mouth to protest that he has known Ozai for half of a century, but closes it. He does not object to this decision as much as he thought he would. But it is for his own selfish reasons, which he does not care to divulge to the people who respect and rely on him.

"I've known him longer than you've been alive, Azula," Ursa snarls and Azusami clings to Ty Lee, who is still red in the face but now a silent observer. "And I have spent so many years in pain over what he did to you and Zuko."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have left. It's funny, really, because you don't want to punish him for his crimes, which is perfectly logical. You want to ignore the blame you put on yourself by giving it to him," Azula says and Zuko swallows. "I think you deserved it. It was cause and effect, really. Zuko would never have been banished if he didn't remind father so much of you. The only reason he hurt us was because we reminded you of him, just like he took away everything you gave me and Zuko. He was erasing you."

"You don't know what you're talking about." Ursa's voice is much smaller now and Iroh wants to defend her, but his skin crawls with the fact that he knows all of them had a part to play in the crimes of war and family. Each of them put a skeleton or several into the family closet. But Ozai was easiest to blame because he was Fire Lord at the time.

"I have put a lot of thought into this. Years of thought into this. Doctors told me not to blame my mother, that you were an excuse to shift my self-loathing onto a figure who couldn't defend herself against my mind's accusations. And honestly, that is _exactly _what you're doing to father," Azula says slowly, coldly and with no emotion. She simply states it like fact. And maybe it is fact; maybe it isn't.

"You should blame him too."

"I never said I didn't," Azula purrs, shrugging softly.

"I have apologized to you every time you demanded it for years. What has he done?"

"When he apologized, he meant it." Azula stands up and leaves, her words stinging Ursa like barbs of poison.

"She doesn't mean any of that," Ty Lee says quietly to her mother-in-law. "You just put her on the defensive." Ty Lee looks to her side, realizing that nothing is clinging to her anymore. "Where's my daughter?"

Azula is grabbed by the leg during her dramatic exit. She turns around with two fingers lit before she sees her daughter tugging on her waist. Azula kneels to be eye level with her, studying her daughter closely. They have identical eyes, just like Azula and her father. Azula often thought about how he truly marked Zuko as not his by making his eyes distinguishable from Ozai's. You can easily tell it is Zuko from the scar.

"Why are you upset?" Azusami asks softly, her lip trembling. Azula feels her stomach twist as she realizes she has caused her child pain.

"My mother and I have problems with each other." Silence.

"Don't you love her?" whispers Azusami in her small voice and Azula sighs.

"No."

"Everybody loves their mother," Azusami says firmly, swaying from foot to foot, and Azula would smile if she were not so angry. It reassures her to know that Azusami never questioned Azula, despite how much Azula has spurned her since Azusami cried as her lips touched her mother's breast.

"Some mothers don't want to be loved," Azula says quietly and Azusami looks confused. "You'll understand when you're older."

Although, part of Azula hopes that Azusami never understands.

* * *

><p>"Uncle and mother are being horrible hypocrites," Zuko says as he finds Azula. He has been looking for her all morning, and then she simply appeared in the living quarter's parlor as soon as he stopped searching.<p>

"How so?" Azula asks, setting down the letter she is drafting to one of the twenty council members.

"Everything they have against father, they also are guilty of. I mean, they have their hands dirty too." Pause. "Look, I of all people hate our father and think he's despicable. I was on the side of the argument that wanted him to die in prison. But it just frustrates me. And I can't tell them because... well, he's only hurt me and they've always cared for me."

"I expected it," Azula replies and Zuko narrows his eyes at her.

"You're not livid? You seemed pretty pissed at mother at breakfast," Zuko responds, looking her up and down. She confuses him.

"Adults are hypocrites," Azula says with a shrug. "I know because I'm an adult. I just spent the entire day telling my daughter to stop experimenting with firebending because it's dangerous."

Zuko pauses. She _does _have a point. "I think it's only parents that are hypocrites."

"Well, it's because they don't want their children to do their negative habits _but _they don't want to stop doing them either. Do I want to stop shooting lightning at metal objects? No. Do I want my daughter to do that? Definitely not."

"Like father. Exactly like father."

"I thought we were discussing uncle and mother? Or was this just a lead in for you to try to convince me not to release him," Azula purrs, although she is well aware Zuko is angry at Uncle.

Zuko is quiet for a moment again. "Actually, Uncle is more hypocritical than father was."

"Oh really?" Azula looks interested; she was not expecting that.

"Yeah. One time when I was fourteen, he let me go on this dock and buy whatever I wanted to eat. So I bought this box of pastries, right? And then when he saw what I bought, he lectured me and said that I needed to eat healthy if I wanted to have a healthy mind and attitude. You know what happened next?"

"No."

"He ate them all while I was sleeping."

Azula bursts out laughing; it is a better ending than she could have anticipated.

"Look, I just filled out the paperwork for father's release," Zuko says and Azula is stunned. Her relationship with her brother improves every day, but she never imagined he would be so quick to that.

"Really?" Azula asks, sitting up straighter.

"Yeah. You do realize we can attach as many strings as we want to this?" Zuko says with a devious little smile. Azula likes how wickedly he is thinking.

"Oh, we own him forever," Azula purrs, smirking.

"I think the tables have turned," Zuko says, his smile widening. Azula's eyes glitter and gleam. "We have total power over him."

"We can't abuse it of course," Azula purrs, but adding a wink at the end.

"Of course not." Zuko tries to wink and can't manage, so he clears his throat and sits down on the adjacent sofa to her plush chair. "I hate him. I was filling out the paperwork and I was wondering why I was doing it the whole time. He's caused me endless suffering. But now I'm doing him a favor."

"Maybe we should try forgiving him," Azula says and Zuko thinks she is serious before he sees the teasing twist of her lip. Sarcasm. "I don't... hate him. I really can't. Out of everything bad he did, he still was the only person in my life who ever gave a fuck about me and my life. I don't owe him. I am _never _going to owe him anything. But I am looking at this from a slightly different place from the rest of you."

"I never hated him either. He wasn't always... like that." Zuko leans back on the sofa and stares at the ceiling. He can barely make eye contact with Azula when he admits the feelings that give him so much internalized shame.

"He's a man who can't handle power. Which leads me to believe..." Azula says uncomfortably, each word sounding difficult for her to form.

"Believe what?" Zuko leans forward, hoping he is not pushing her too far. She slips away more often than he would like her to.

"Never mind." Azula averts her eyes and starts writing her letter again.

"Tell me. Come on," Zuko pleads, examining her closely. She looks embarrassed, which Zuko has seen on her face very rarely.

"Which leads me to believe that, stripped of power, maybe he's... It's ridiculous and naive hopeful. I don't want to even say it," Azula says sharply, cutting herself off. Zuko examines her and contemplates her hopeful view and how strange it is on her lips.

"That is what he always was, though. A man who can't handle power but desperately wanted it," Zuko says, peeling his eyes from Azula as her expression started to turn bitter under his unbroken gaze.

"Some people just can't." Azula shrugs. "I know better than to expect anything from him. But I don't think he's a major threat, either. Surround him with guards like you did for me..."

"Do you think he can be redeemed?" Zuko inquires slowly, watching her avoid his gaze at all costs.

"I don't think _I'm_ redeemed, Zuko. A tiger-monkey can't change its stripes," Azula replies in a dark voice Zuko has only heard a few times. It always chills him to the bone. "I think the Avatar just feels guilty, and I think his hope in humanity or whatever was affirmed by me and you. I think it's preposterous. Look, it's hard to explain."

"I don't need you to explain," Zuko says with a shrug. "I've given up on trying to find any reason for anything in our family."

"I think we can always send him back to prison if he displeases us. And, I would... I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't give him a chance. Now, I would be sickened if he got as many chances as _me_, but I feel that he deserves at least that," Azula replies and Zuko also feels queasy about the fact that he agrees with her. And she adds in a very soft voice, "But we owe him nothing. Never let him convince you of that."

"I won't," Zuko replies firmly, and he leaves Azula by herself.

He does not think he could live with himself either if he did not at least give his father one chance. This loyalty to him offends Zuko to the core, because he thought he was over caring about a man who was so toxic. Azula is right; you don't owe anybody anything because they _conceived _you. But Zuko finds that he would rather try and fail than never try at all.

But he will _never _forgive Ozai.

He does not think a single soul in this palace would.

* * *

><p><em>Three years ago, Azula is crying in her bedroom with the door shut and a chair pressed against it. She silences any sobs, although her shoulders shake with them. She tries to control herself but cannot. It is too much for her, too much.<em>

_ Everyone is distracted with the aftermath of the revolt. Zuko has been putting out fires for a month now, and Azula has been burying herself in that work when she can. People are much more soothed by Azula's name than Zuko's and that brings her pleasure, but then, she must care for her daughter._

_ And that sucks her life force out of her._

_ Someone knocks on the door and Azula assumes it is Ty Lee._

_ "Please go shopping or something," Azula breathes, angry that her voice is constricted with emotion. She wishes she had better control over herself._

_ "It's not Ty Lee." Mother. She has said those words before at this door._

_ Azula hesitates. It would be easy to spurn her, but Azula wipes her eyes on her silk sheets and removes the chair from the door. She opens it and nods inside, quickly shutting it before anyone but Ursa can see her with her face streaked with tears and eyeliner._

_ "I wanted to talk to you," Ursa breathes and Azula sits down on the windowsill. Ursa is on the bed and Azula does not have her back turned to her mother like last time._

_ "I'm sure you will love to tell me what a fucking hypocrite I am. I hate my mother so much but I can't be one myself. Fine. Go ahead and tell me," Azula snarls and Ursa swallows. It always is this way with Azula. Always. "It was supposed to be okay once she was born. I was supposed to love her. She cries when I try to feed her. She knows just as well as the rest of you. We might as well give a royal announcement."_

_ Ursa waits for her daughter to finish, and then speaks, "I never told you about how you were conceived."_

_ "That is not something parents are supposed to tell their children," Azula says with a grimace. "I really don't need to know about that."_

_ "I didn't want you."_

_ "How surprising; I never figured that out by the time I was three."_

_ "_Let _me talk to you," Ursa says with such vivacity that Azula is silenced. Maybe she should hear it. "I didn't want you at all, but your father did. Our family has always revolved around violence. Because it's easier... I guess. You were conceived from violence. And..."_

_ "You're really not making me feel much better," Azula says sharply. "I know my wife wanted her and I didn't. I know that."_

_ "The day you were born was a hot day in the middle of winter. It was like summer," she says and Azula has no idea what she is leading into. "Everybody said the sun shone only for you."_

_ "How cute," Azula says, but it comes out weakly and not as a barbed snap as she intended. "Were you jealous?"_

_ "I don't know why you think that. A lot of people have hurt you out of jealousy, but some people support your accomplishments without envying them," Ursa says and Azula just rolls her eyes. "They said the sun shone only for you. I didn't feel that, like everyone else. It almost hurt that strangers were so happy about your birth, saying it signified something great and I couldn't feel that."_

_ "Are you trying to make me feel better by telling me you hated me when I was baby?" Azula asks, studying her mother with a disbelieving expression. "I don't hate Azusami. I don't."_

_ "I didn't hate you either, Azula. I just didn't feel like I was supposed to feel."_

_ "And your advice?"_

_ "I don't really have any."_

_ Azula scoffs and Ursa regrets trying to talk to her. But Ursa adds, "You're doing much better than I was. It's going to be okay."_

_ It is, to Azula, no consolation._

* * *

><p>Ty Lee sits down across Iroh at the vine-wrapped Pai Sho table in the Eastern Courtyard. He smiles at her warmly and she grins back, plucking up a handful of cracked stone pieces. It is a lovely afternoon with the sun glowing as if such dark things are not happening in the royal family. The courtyard is abuzz with life, unlike the palace that feels more dead every day approaching Ozai's imminent release.<p>

"I'm going to buy a new set of these tiles. They are in horrible condition," Iroh says, narrowing his eyes at a crumbled piece with the paint so worn only a master can make out what the tile was in the first place.

"They're pretty bad." Ty Lee squints at one in which the Earth Kingdom symbol can barely be made out. "I want to talk to you about Ozai."

"I figured," Iroh says with a warm smile. Everyone has been coming to him, to his surprise. He detached himself from his brother so many decades ago that he wonders why he still is associated with him.

"I've been a part of this family for four years now, and I don't know anything about you guys. I never wanted to ask because I really, really didn't want to know," Ty Lee says, frowning. Iroh does not think he has ever seen her frown like that. "I thought if I just lived in ignorance of history, it would just disappear. Half the time when she wakes up screaming it's about him. But, she still wants to free him. But I'm going to pry that answer out of her pretty quickly; I can be pretty persuasive when it comes to Azula."

"Then what do you need to know?" Iroh asks, breathing in uncomfortably. He ignored in the same way that Ty Lee does, and for the same reasons. He hoped that if he pretended the past never happened, it would fade away.

"Tell me about when your family was happy," Ty Lee says and Iroh did not expect that question.

But he is glad to answer it.

* * *

><p>"I don't know what to tell you," Iroh says earnestly, shame in his stomach. He looks at Ursa as she paces with a pained expression. She looks as if someone is repeatedly stabbing her as she walks back and forth with her mind somewhere else. "Zuko told me he filled out the paperwork this morning."<p>

"He what?" Ursa's eyes flash, stunned at her son. She imagined he would at least _try _to resist whatever Ozai has manipulated Azula into doing.

"He says he couldn't live his life knowing he did not try to set his father free," Iroh says with a calm shrug. Ursa's lip curls into a snarl Iroh would have never imagined on her face.

"Why don't they understand? Why can't they see? I went to see him only once. Only once because Zuko said it might make me feel better. He took _pride _in what he did to them. _Pride_. And here they are, thinking he deserves a second chance."

"He might have just wanted to hurt you," Iroh offers and Ursa looks at him in absolute disgust. His heart skips a beat at the glare; he has not received a look like that since he was a ruthless military man years ago. "I think he tried with Zuko. I think he was horrible to Zuko, but I do think he tried."

"He tried?" Ursa demands, looking on the verge of laughter or tears. "He tried with Zuko by burning him? He tried with Zuko by banishing him? He tried by telling my son that he was responsible for my _death_? He tried by pitting our children against each other for some reason I can't comprehend? He sees them as _objects_, not _humans_, and I have always tried to think the best of him."

Iroh swallows. She did always try to think the best of him. In fact, Iroh did too even if he was expecting to be stabbed in the back for the throne. Ozai got himself into this predicament, and he probably deserves to die in prison. But Iroh believes in second chances, even if he is sure Ozai will squander it within days, if not hours.

"It's not just Zuko, Iroh," Ursa sighs, stopping pacing. He feels less dizzy now. "I don't understand why she loves him so much. He is fully responsible for everything that hurts her even now. And yet, I'm the villain to her."

Now things have gotten significantly trickier. "All parents play favorites. And so do children. It was a little more complicated in my family. In yours, well, Azula was Ozai's from the beginning. Our family went through phases and different combinations. But there was never balance."

"I'm not asking for a grinning, cute little balanced family where everybody loves each other so fucking much. I knew I wouldn't get that when I married into you _lunatics_. But I am asking for my daughter to not be so..." Ursa runs out of breath and is grateful for it. She did not want to finish that sentence, in retrospect.

Iroh does not want to mention that Ursa is blaming Azula as much as Azula blames her. He is sweating now and incredibly uncomfortable.

"We don't know much about Azula's early adolescence. Have you ever asked her?" Iroh inquires as if that would be so easy for Ursa.

"I asked my husband. I went to the prison, I felt a little squeamish about it. I almost doubted how far he had fallen. I demanded him to justify what he did to Zuko. He asked me what happened to Azula instead of answering. They had just sent her to prison then, after the asylum. I was trying to free her at the time."

"What did you tell him?" Iroh does not know where she is going with this.

"I told him she had a sentence of five years. I also told him I was trying to liberate her. He said, 'She'll live'. He smiled when I told him she killed people trying to escape an asylum. Killed people who were trying to help her," Ursa says, waiting for a response.

"She was raised as a weapon of war. But she overcame that," Iroh says, not trying to justify Ozai. It is wrong how he treated Azula as a burning sword and not a young girl who needed her father's love. Iroh would have tried to stop it if he weren't with Zuko.

"And so, seeing as he seemed so glad with his daughter's fate, although it was his fault, I asked him why he immediately demanded to know of her when I came to talk about Zuko. I was wrong to assume he discriminated when hurting people. It didn't matter that they were both loyal to him or that Azula had loved him since she was a little girl." Ursa is catching her breath and Iroh is wiping sweat from his brow. It is not even very hot in here, simply emotionally charged.

"What did he say? Did he have an excuse for Zuko?" Iroh asks, curious. He has never once confronted Ozai like the rest of his family.

But Ursa is not listening to Iroh at all. She is wrestling with a memory she has forced into the back of her mind for seven years.

"He said, 'because when Azula was thirteen, I was fucking her.'" Her face contorts and then is blank. She knows she should not have said that, but clearly Iroh does not understand the gravity of this situation.

"What?" he exclaims, his eyebrows shooting up.

Iroh does not know why Ursa would say such a terrible thing. And then he wonders if he can even think of his brother doing that, as much as he resented Ozai. It isn't something someone _could _do, in Iroh's mind, even someone as selfish and cruel as his misguided brother. He feels like he is going to vomit, but he swallows his anger that makes him want to walk to the prison and burn his brother worse than Azula did, and focuses on Ursa. She needs someone to hear her.

"I don't know why they bother to love him," Ursa says softly, filled with regret as Iroh is so filled with questions that he does not know how to start. "I don't know why I ever bothered to love him in the first place."

Iroh stares at her as he tries to fathom her tirade.

* * *

><p>Azula and Ty Lee lie together in bed the night before Ozai will be released. Azula is trying to sleep and finding it impossible, while Ty Lee watches her, breathing heavily but quietly. She does not know what to do in this situation.<p>

She thinks it is wrong to release Ozai. In fact, she _knows _it is wrong to release Ozai. The pain he has caused Azula fills Ty Lee with so much rage that she will kill him if he even says a word out of line, much less tries anything.

Ty Lee slips to Azula, shimmying through the blankets.

"Do you need something?" Azula asks and Ty Lee simply swallows. She wraps an arm around Azula and tries to see if that closeness will cure it.

It does not.

"I need you to kiss me," Ty Lee says and Azula does not move at first. But she slowly turns around so that their bodies are pressed together in the night. Azula's lips touch Ty Lee's, grazing for a moment before pressing.

Azula pulls away, but their bodies are still against each other. "Anything else?"

"I need you to tell me why you want to set your father free," Ty Lee whispers and Azula turns away. It seemed as if the night would escalate into sex, but now it will only end in bitterness.

"It's my choice," Azula breathes, running her hand along Ty Lee's bare arm.

"That's all you say. You don't give a single reason. You're only doing it to spite everyone and... it's not going to end well," Ty Lee whispers with urgency in her voice. Azula kisses her neck and Ty Lee pushes on her. "Answer me. If you have one reason, one reason even if I think it's bad, just tell me. That's all I need to know."

"Could you have lived with yourself if you never knocked on my door that day?" Azula whispers and Ty Lee chews on the inside of her cheek. "Could you have lived with yourself if you never gave me a chance, even though I threw you in prison?"

"No," Ty Lee answers, touching Azula's hand. It is cold despite being beneath their blankets. "But it's different."

"No, it's not. I have been horrible to you. I've done awful things to you since before we even met. I mean, I lied to all of your other friends and wound up making the entire school _hate _you so you would be forced to befriend me. It still hasn't stopped." Azula swallows for a moment, shoving her emotions deep inside of her and clearing her mind and face. "But you gave me a chance anyway. Why?"

"I _had_ loved you once."

"Mhm?"

Ty Lee is starting to understand as she speaks aloud. "I knew that if I had left you in that room, I would've spent my whole life wondering what would have happened if I knocked on your door."

"That's my reason," Azula says softly and Ty Lee looks angry for a moment.

"It's not a very good one," Ty Lee murmurs, but she knows she told Azula she would accept the reasoning even if it were poor.

"Can I kiss you now?" Azula asks, shrugging off the far more important topic. Ty Lee just nods, her hair brushing against her pillow.

Azula lips touch her neck gently. Her fingers slide down a pale red negligee draped around her wife. Her hands move across familiar skin, and Ty Lee slips her fingertips to the inside of Azula's thigh. There is something infinitely beautiful about sleeping with someone you know so well.

Azula slips on top of her in a single, graceful motion. Ty Lee gazes at her, hoping she does not lose Azula because of this decision.

But right now she cannot think about that.

She can only think about ecstasy.

* * *

><p>"I'm confused," Izumi states regally as Zuko finally wrangles her to go to sleep. Her bedtime routine mostly consists of her taking out an arsenal of weapons against her exasperated parents to try to stay up until forever.<p>

"About why you need to go to sleep? Because everybody goes to sleep and your parents would like to sleep sometimes too," Zuko says breathlessly, trying to shove a pillow into a pillowcase and not quite knowing how. Why Izumi ripped it off is baffling, and it only contributes to her death trap of a room, the floor littered with toys that Zuko has to use firebending steps to avoid being stabbed in the feet by.

"No, about my grandfather," Izumi says and Zuko swallows. He hoped he would never have to have this conversation, but he supposes it was inevitable. Once she was at school she would hear about him, even if Zuko continued to keep her in the dark.

"He's coming to live with us tomorrow," Zuko says slowly, sure that Izumi has figured it out, and Izumi nods.

"Why is he coming to live with us when he makes everyone so angry?" She cocks an eyebrow, the look she has when she thinks she is much more intelligent than adults.

"It's really complicated. I guess it's because even if your family is terrible, you still are stuck with them for the rest of your life," Zuko offers weakly. All he wants is to go to sleep. "And you love them regardless of how miserable they make you."

"How did he give you your scar?" Izumi asks, completely ignoring what Zuko finds to be a poignant commentary on the royal family. His eyes flash in surprise; he never told her about that.

"Who told you about my scar?" Zuko asks and Izumi looks like she finds it funny.

"Azusami," Izumi replies and Zuko rolls his eyes. "She told me that your father burned your face as a punishment. What did you do?"

"She shouldn't have told you that," Zuko mumbles before rubbing his temples. "I didn't do anything."

Izumi looks baffled.

Zuko groans. "I embarrassed him publicly."

Izumi's jaw drops and Zuko feels his stomach twist. He had hoped Izumi would be at least nine or ten when he explained this to her.

"How badly did you embarrass him?" Izumi whispers, staring directly into Zuko's eyes.

"Pretty badly, I guess." Zuko shrugs. He is too tired for this. "You know what, if you want to know more about this, you can ask your Aunt Azula, who apparently thought it was okay to tell her own daughter. This is going to be her job from now on. If you ever have a question about our family that you think might be rude to ask, ask her."

"Okay." Izumi shrugs. Zuko expected her to resist more, but he is relieved that she did not.

He tucks her in and wanders to his room half in a daze. Mai is not in bed, and he would make sure she was not abducted or assassinated, but he is tired. As much as he wants today to last forever so he does not have to deal with the events of tomorrow, he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

And when he wakes up, he realizes in two hours he is going to release his father from prison.

Only as he lies in bed, staring at the ceiling and squinting in the blinding daylight, does he realize this might have been a terrible idea.


	6. memory

chapter six: memory

* * *

><p><em>Touch me<br>It's so easy to leave me  
>All alone with the memory<br>Of my days in the sun  
>If you touch me, you'll understand what happiness is<br>Look, a new day has begun  
>"Memory" - Cats<em>

* * *

><p>"Are you sure you want to do this, Zuko?" Iroh asks as Zuko finishes his tea. "You can still change your mind."<p>

"I've made my mind up. I'm going to follow through on this," Zuko replies firmly and Iroh cannot protest. If Zuko wants to do this, he can. There is only so much you can guide a person before they have to find their way on their own.

"I feel as if I should be proud of you," Iroh says without thinking and Zuko studies him closely.

Zuko takes a deep breath. He does not want to say what he is about to say, but he knows he has to, "Our family doesn't have to have two sides."

"Hm?" Iroh is mildly confused. He is, admittedly, nearly as aghast as Ursa about Zuko being so glad to liberate Ozai. The man deserves exactly what he got, and Iroh does not like Zuko's lenience towards his father.

"You say things like, _in our family things are not always exactly what they seem_ and _Azula's crazy and she's got to go down _and, best yet, _you give your father too much credit_. Are all of those things true? Yes. But it's like, it's like elephant rat fights!"

"Elephant... rat fights?" Iroh is getting progressively more baffled as Zuko is getting more frustrated.

"Yeah, you choose your elephant rat and decorate it and then pit it against the other guy. Azula and I were weaponized in some kind of sibling warfare that you and father are _way _too old for," Zuko snaps and Iroh pours himself more tea.

Zuko fights the urge to slap it out of his uncle's hand, knowing that Iroh has a right to be concerned about Zuko, and that Zuko owes him more than his life. But that does not change the facts.

"I never intended for that to happen," Iroh says and it is true. Zuko knows it is true so he sighs for a moment. "I trained you for your protection, Zuko. Even when my brother became Fire Lord and I was pushed aside, I did not try to use you against him. It was only after he decided to have you killed that I turned you against him."

Zuko stares at the cracks in the reddish-brown table. His uncle does have a good point. It was a defensive move, but it shattered their family even further.

"Things were bad before you got involved," Zuko admits, rubbing his chin. "I know. But you have to admit that that's what it looks like."

Iroh _does _admit that it would be impossible for two children to _not _misinterpret he and Ozai's actions. Or maybe they are interpreting it correctly, and it is Iroh and Ozai who have misled themselves.

"I have had problems with my brother for evident reasons. I am not happy about him being released from prison, but if that is what you and Azula have decided..." Iroh still looks unhappy.

Zuko wants his uncle to never look that sad. But this _has _to be done in Zuko's mind. Even if some people get their toes stepped on.

He finishes his breakfast and prepares to go to Capitol Prison.

* * *

><p>"You get used to the armed guards eventually. I had them for three years," Azula remarks as Ozai enters the palace, Zuko and Mai at their side along with an elite guard.<p>

The shuffling of metal boots still feels like background noise to Azula. But to Ozai it is entirely unfamiliar, just like the palace. It has been painted over and changed. Zuko has obviously taken the liberty of making alterations to a palace that had been the same since Ozai was born.

Ozai does not respond. He has said only what is necessary for the trip from the prison to the palace. To be honest, he is anxious about his reception when he arrives home. He is certain that none of his family is very happy to see him, especially with Zuko and Azula's plastic smiles when they picked him up.

"Let's go see everyone," Mai says as Azula and Zuko are at a standstill. They did not seem to know what to do next now that they have Ozai.

The former Fire Lord looks reluctant, but he follows Zuko, Azula and Mai into the depths of the palace. It all looks unfamiliar to Ozai, save for particular pieces of he and his father and grandfather's collections. Sozin had testaments to himself; he grew more and more selfish with age. Azulon kept tokens of his enemies and sought out old Fire Nation culture. Ozai collected things he found beautiful, and things he found powerful.

And Zuko? Zuko has painted over the past and locked up old relics. He cleaned the slate instead of adding to it like his forefathers. But Ozai does not comment on his disappointment in Zuko. He knows he will have to play his tiles right if he wants to remain outside of prison.

The first person Ozai is greeted by is the last person he wants to see.

Iroh.

"Hello," Iroh says, the warmth usually in his tone missing. It is awkward. Beyond awkward.

"It's been a long time," is all Ozai can summon. He catches the sight of familiar eyes in the hall, but they hesitate and disappear. "Where did she go?"

"Ran away like a coward," Azula finishes and Ozai purses his lips.

Iroh opens and closes his mouth. Zuko squirms from discomfort and Mai's eyes light with glee. How she loves watching uncomfortable situations.

"Hi!" shouts a small voice and Ozai blinks, startled.

"That one is...?" Ozai asks right before another, smaller child appears, clinging to the first one's elbow.

"I'm Izumi, this is Azusami," says the taller child and Ozai is surprised at how charismatic she is despite her parents. Very articulate for a five year old. "You're our grandfather."

"Hi," Ozai says stiffly. This was not what he anticipated. He expected to be ushered into some kind of locked room until the Avatar arrived, but he apparently has a greeting party, save for his wife, who changed her mind and fled the scene before he saw more than her eyes.

"Come see my toys," Izumi demands, holding one hand out. Ozai looks to Zuko, unsure what to do.

"When my daughter asks you to come see her toys, you go see her toys," Zuko says with a regality Ozai did not think he possessed.

Ozai takes her small hand and allows her to tug him down the hallway. The soldiers follow and Zuko and Azula exchange a glance. They walk after their father and children as Mai fades away to go find Ty Lee and Ursa and coax them out of hiding.

"They don't know how terrible you are, father," Azula purrs as she sits beside Zuko with her legs crossed. Izumi and Azusami have forced Ozai onto the floor of Izumi's room, in which Izumi is carefully lying out a line of her toys.

"Yeah, why don't you tell them about _our _toys, father?" Zuko adds and Azula cackles.

Ozai tries to mask his repulsed expression.

"It's funny because you didn't let us have any," Azula says and Zuko smiles at her.

They are enjoying this more than they should be, sitting on Izumi's bed, looming over Ozai. He knows he has to have some form of restraint, as Azula told him, but it is becoming difficult.

"Okay, okay," Izumi says, gesturing to the first toy on the left. "This is..."

Ozai braces himself.

* * *

><p>"That wasn't so bad," Azula says as Ozai is shown to his room.<p>

A guest room. It is freshly cleaned and long abandoned. She leans against the wall, soldiers hands on their weapons as if an altercation will break out at any instant. Ozai wonders if it will. He does not think he knows his daughter anymore.

"It was nearly an hour," Ozai sighs and Azula smirks.

"I found it very pleasing. So, the Avatar is coming in four days; he's busy and his wife is pregnant. Until then, you are mine," Azula announces and Ozai feels a chill in his bones. "I know very well about how to maneuver this situation. I am really the only person who can help you, and the only person who is willing to help you, for that matter."

"I am sure there are more strings attached than a marionette show," Ozai says and Azula slowly nods. "Go ahead. Make this hard for me. Give me those twenty years of pain you don't want anymore."

Azula hesitates. She does not like her father's flexibility and willingness. Part of her just wanted him to snap and she would not have to deal with it.

"It will be interesting to see you on the receiving end of what you doled out. You always told me and Zuko that you owned us. Now we own you," Azula says smoothly and softly. He examines her closely. "Goodnight, father."

Azula leaves, shutting the door behind her. She walks further into the living quarters and finds Ty Lee playing with Azusami. Ty Lee looks at Azula with a strange face and Azusami smiles with her rosy lips.

"I like grandfather," Azusami says and Ty Lee gives Azula a look that could kill a lesser being.

"That's good," Azula replies cautiously, walking to join them. "I'm sure he likes you too."

Ty Lee glares at Azula again. "Me too." Forced but sweet and girlish.

As soon as Azusami is in bed, Ty Lee faces Azula in the hallway.

"I hope you're doing this for the right reasons. You and Zuko are clearly having the time of your lives, but you do realize you both have little kids who know nothing about Ozai," Ty Lee says and Azula pauses.

She then kisses Ty Lee on the lips and says, "I promise everything will work out."

Ty Lee smiles and pretends to believe her.

* * *

><p>"They said when you were born that the sun shone only for you," Ozai says to Azula. He is trying to play her and she knows it, but she is willing. She knows she will always be in control now, and so she is not threatened.<p>

They are sitting in the living quarters parlor and playing Four Nations. Azula _could _be working, but instead she is watching Ozai.

She is trying to think of the benefits of this situation until the Avatar comes in three days. Maybe she and her father can repair things. That was all Azula wanted while she was pregnant with Azusami, not that Ozai cooperated then. But maybe it will be nice now. She will never forgive him, but she does love him, despite it all.

"Mother told me that, after Azusami was born," Azula replies. "She also said you wanted me and she didn't, and that I was conceived from violence."

His face is strange to her at that moment. As if she said something that truly pains him. But it fades almost instantly and he has a perpetually smug demeanor again, despite his weakness and the soldiers around him that could end him in an instant because he has no bending and no power anymore.

"Everything in our family comes from violence, Azula." Azula, not her pet name.

"I've struck a nerve. Tell me why that angers you so much. Aren't you happy I was born?" Azula says, studying him closely.

"Yes. You're..." Pause. He carefully considers his next words. "I've taken a lot of things out of this world. Mostly people. Sometimes entire cities or cultures or... well, you're the only thing I put in it. And I'm never going to regret that."

"You put Zuko in it too," Azula says softly and he looks nearly bewildered.

"What is it with your love for your brother now?" he asks, clearly offended. "Fine, maybe you're not the only thing I put in it. But you're the only _good _thing I put in," Ozai says and Azula believes him.

"You've changed a lot," Azula remarks and Ozai simply looks at her. "You haven't even tried to get me to usurp Zuko since you came home."

"I don't want that anymore." Ozai is honest.

"Mother is convinced it's a ruse," Azula remarks, laying down another tile. "I'm not sure yet."

Ozai hesitates at the mention of Ursa. He has seen Ty Lee and Iroh, although they seem bitter and resentful. He does not bother with the circus freak, or his weak brother. But his wife has been entirely missing. Honestly... he wants to see her.

But Ozai is here with Azula, and he says, "I'm too old. I would've passed the crown off by now anyway. And there's a certain level of, hm, blame you have to accept when your children don't speak to you for three years. I have no desire to make any waves in this pathetic excuse for a family. The days when I tried to get you to head the rebellion and take the throne? They were a very long time ago. It's been five years. People change."

Azula knows he is right. "Azusami and Izumi seem to really like you. I find it hilarious."

"They don't know me," Ozai replies with a shrug. "If Izumi really knew how her father got that scar, well, it would be a different story. Azusami reminds me of you."

"I hear that a lot." And Ozai notices her tone freeze over. He wonders if he should make a move to try to pry her open and figure this out, but he simply allows it to pass. Now is far, far from the time for him to push his family members in any way.

"Does it scare you?" Ozai asks, laying down a tile. Azula's fingers twitch over a water tile and then rest on the table.

"Of course it does. I'm pretty sure every parent's worst fear is that their child will wind up just like them," Azula says earnestly. Ozai looks at her. His hand moves to touch her but he sets it down after a second thought.

"I would be honored if my child turned out just like you."

"The Crazy Princess? I'm a failure. And a war criminal," Azula says sharply, and he realizes her anger is at herself and not him for the first time.

"You asked me why I hadn't killed myself yet," Ozai says and Azula swallows. "I stopped living in memories. If you didn't live ten years in the past, Azula, you would see why I'm proud of you."

Azula looks like she is going to cry, but she stops herself. "I don't want to hear it, father."

Silence. She lays down the water tile. More silence.

"So, how did you get them to let you do the... redemption thing?" Ozai asks, trying to hand the power back to her in hopes of appeasing her, and Azula realizes he is never going to take his next turn. She sips her wine and studies him closely.

"I had somebody vouching for me. My wife," Azula says and Ozai's gaze does not leave her. "You want me to do that for you, don't you?" Her lips twist in bitter anger. "You don't care about me for an instant. You just know you have the best chance of swaying me in your favor. It's something you _earn_, father. You can't just get a free ticket to being respected and redeemed in the eyes of the people you've hurt. You have to _earn _it."

She gets up, grabs her glass and leaves, shaking her head slowly with a clenched jaw. A pleasant afternoon has become far less pleasant.

Ozai watches her leave. It may be true, that he wants her on his side. It is more true that he does not want to put in the amount of effort people want him too.

His greatest fear in his life was growing old. Or for his children to overpower him.

And now, well, those fears have been realized.

And Ozai cares less than he thought he would.

* * *

><p>"...and so she says: 'In my defense, father, I wanted to,' and he tells her it's completely fine and he understands," Zuko says, taking a deep breath for another story. But Mai puts her hand on his mouth.<p>

"No. You have nothing to convince me of. Everyone in the entire world knows your father loves your sister more than you. I have heard all of these stories. I'm going to go to sleep now. When I remove my hand, you can keep talking, but I will not be listening. Good night, I love you," Mai says dryly before releasing him and turning over.

And in Azula and Ty Lee's room down the hall, Azula is sighing, "My uncle has been trying to get me to talk about my feelings to him every day. I'm running out of ways to avoid him."

"Maybe you should just talk to him. Obviously he wants to repair your relationship," Ty Lee says softly, rubbing her thumb around the inside of Azula's wrist.

"I don't need his sympathy or to amend our relationship. I'd sooner forgive my father than him," Azula says before touching her lips to Ty Lee's and preventing her from pointing out how much worse Ozai is than Iroh.

She watches Azula turn over and try to sleep, the moonlight making patterns on her back as it shines through the window. Ty Lee lies down and stares at the dark, fuzzy ceiling. The family tension is at a high, and she hopes Iroh leaves Azula alone.

And she hopes this somehow manages to calm down once everyone is used to Ozai.

Not that Ty Lee _wants _to be used to Ozai.

* * *

><p>"Azula," Iroh says as Azula is pretending to be working. She figured he would come around eventually. "I wanted to talk to you before I leave for Ba Sing Se."<p>

It is the thousandth time he has tried to talk to her. She has been trying to evade him, but he is persistent. The man who lay siege to Ba Sing Se for six hundred days now lays siege to Azula's defenses, and they are getting weary. She has no desire to talk to him or express her feelings like the gushy old man wants. But Azula supposes she has to cave in at this point.

Resisting is getting too tiring.

"Of course," is all Azula can summon in response. Pausing, she contemplates her next action. "Instead of having an awkward and uncomfortable conversation in this parlor, why don't we find a more interesting venue."

"Yes?" Iroh asks, willing to do whatever he can to talk to her.

"My father taught me many things," Azula replies smoothly, rolling up the scrolls she was laboring over. "But he never taught me how to play Pai Sho. He said it was a useless waste of time to learn."

This is, of course, a lie. Any man or woman who intended to teach their child strategy would teach them Pai Sho first. And Ozai forced Azula to memorize textbooks on the game. But she is in a vindictive mood, and is getting a little tired of people trying to tap into her psyche.

"I would love to teach you," Iroh says earnestly and Azula almost feels bad for him.

"Well, then let's play," Azula says, standing up and following him. Evidently he knows where every Pai Sho board is and he leads her to the nicest one, deep within a dusty sector of the palace.

He chooses it for sentimentality. It is where he learned to play. If only he knew that Azula had been taught long, long ago and while she is a tad out of practice, she thinks she can pull off a decent hustle at most any game.

Azula listens patiently to the long winded and overcomplicated explanation. If her daughter ever has a desire to learn, Azula will be less confusing. But she nods, mhms at proper intervals and eyes the tiles carefully. This gains her nothing. She is not even planning to gamble.

It will only bring her the pleasure of seeing him absolutely blindsided.

"I wanted to talk to you about our conversation about Azusami," Iroh says as he lines up the zigzag orientation of the board.

"I'm going to teach her," Azula says, the words feeling hollow and rehearsed at this point.

"Why is it you asked me?" Iroh inquires, undeterred by her molten eyes.

"Because you're good. You're the best firebender other than me," Azula says as her uncle makes the first move. She pretends to be thinking, and then makes a ridiculous choice that already sets her up for loss. "And you're a lot less criminally insane than my father. His methods of instruction were... jarring."

Iroh thinks for a moment about Ursa's words to him that she refused to explain further. He then takes his turn and defeats Azula's first move. She feigns frustration and Iroh decides to take advantage of it to speak to her further.

"Your brother told me that to you two it seemed as if your father and I were using you two as weapons against each other," Iroh says as Azula makes another weak choice.

"That is what you were doing," Azula says with a shrug as Iroh makes a careful, strategic move. She thinks she has already figured out his play-style, although it will take several more rounds before she can be sure.

"I want you to know that I never tried to get to know you and I regret that. I did not have much of an opportunity. You were very young when your father took the throne."

"Nine," Azula says, tossing away another piece recklessly.

"And I was at war for five of those years."

"Yes." Another foolish move. She absorbs herself in manipulating him instead of forcing herself to listen to his apologies. They are weak and simply anger her.

"I am sorry for what happened to Ty Lee."

"It was my lightning," Azula says and he looks surprised. "That, at least, isn't your fault. I'm only angry at you because I blamed you for a lot of things in my youth. I blamed you for my father's anger and his corruption when I was young. It was always about you. Never grandfather or anyone else. Significantly worse than me and Zuko."

"He was overly ambitious."

"Yes." The game ends. Iroh wins. "Let's play again. I think I'm getting better."

Iroh does not mention how terrible her moves were. It _is _her first time, he knows. He sets up the board as he thinks about how to further the conversation.

But Azula continues, "I blamed you for the loss of my mother. And I blamed you for giving Zuko a childhood, which, honestly, is the only fair accusation of mine. I was left alone for years, while you were taking Zuko on shopping sprees and teaching him the facts of life so _charmingly_, my father was slowly losing it and _I _was the one suffering. I was a child and I was a weapon of _war_."

She plays another reckless move. He seems to take no pleasure in beating her and it is frustrating. More frustrating than the conversation itself.

"Your mother told me what happened." The discomfort in his tone reveals exactly what Ursa told him, and Azula chokes on her saliva trying to restraint herself from throwing over the Pai Sho board or lighting it on fire.

"What happened?" is Azula's traditional response.

"I..." Of course he can't even say it. Mother couldn't until Azula pushed her to the very edge and she screamed it in anger. That was right before her coup against Zuko.

"If you can't say it, don't bring it up." Azula looks at the half played game. "Let's start over, and this time, make a wager."

"I do not know if that is a good idea─"

"Don't lecture me, uncle!" Azula snaps and his eyes flicker wide. They are the same as Azula and her father's, but less sharp. Almost a tarnished gold.

"What's your wager?" Iroh _does _enjoy Pai Sho gambling, but exploiting Azula's overconfidence feels wrong. Especially when he is trying to make amends with her.

"If you win, we can have all the heart to heart you want. If I win, you leave me alone," Azula says and it is not as interesting as most of Iroh's wagers, but he accepts. He has been trying to clear the air with Azula, and to try to understand her, for a long while now, and this will work in his favor.

Iroh watches Azula make her first move. It is distinctly different than the past three games. Because it is smart. He hesitates, hoping she is just lucky.

"You are always welcome to come visit me. Bring your family. It could be nice to get away," Iroh says and Azula grits her teeth.

"I should've been welcome to have a childhood like Zuko was. And I'm fairly certain I am no longer legally allowed in Ba Sing Se," Azula says sharply, making another move.

Iroh is cornered. He has not been cornered in Pai Sho in years, since a game he played with one of his friends from the Order of the White Lotus. He stares at the board, eyes wide.

"Your move," Azula purrs and Iroh realizes he has just been hustled.

"My offer always stands," Iroh says softly before making a calculated move.

And Azula kills it with one Iroh was not expecting.

"Looks like I win," Azula says and Iroh stares at all of the pieces in disbelief. "I look forward to you leaving me alone. I hope this conversation was satisfactory."

And Azula leaves, Iroh still trying to figure out how he was beaten so quickly.

* * *

><p>"Is it revenge you want?" Ozai asks as he encounters Azula yet again. She has only just woken up, walking to the kitchen in hopes of tea, negligee half covered by messy hair and a robe tied with a pink ribbon that does not match; she lost hers and stole Ty Lee's.<p>

"Is it revenge I want?" Azula asks, trying to think before the sun has risen. It is difficult. "Maybe. Maybe not."

Ozai sits down at the dining room table. They are alone and she stands in front of him and studies how he has changed. His age is reflected in his face now; he is not _old _but he does not have the timeless appearance he used to. And the gold in his eyes has faded.

"After you left, the last day I saw you, one of my spies approached me and asked me what you had wanted. I said you wanted to give me twenty years of pain, which is, after all, what you said. And I said you wanted revenge." Pause. Azula now feels very awake. "He laughed, like he thought he was supposed to or something. He said you had no reason for revenge against such a distinguished man as me. And you know what I said?"

"What?" Azula asks, studying him closely.

"I said, my daughter deserves her revenge, and I deserve to die," Ozai says honestly, slowly shaking his head. Azula sees no lie in his eyes; he is telling the truth. And it gives her goosebumps.

Azula tries quickly to think of a response, although she does not have one.

"I know what you're doing," Azula says to her father, leaning forward. She needs to reclaim control of the situation. "I did it too."

"And what would that be?" Ozai asks, cocking an eyebrow. Azula glances up at the guards, her eyes flickering between all of their faces. They look uncomfortable.

"You're aware that the person who saved my bending was my wife?" Azula clasps her hands on the table and leans back.

"Yes. You two were so madly in love you swayed your wimp of a brother and ignorant uncle." Ozai does not need to hear about his again. Azula's _true love _rescuing her. He hates the circus freak and he hates what she did to his daughter.

"Mhm. I haven't told anyone this, but, I lied to her. I knew she was in love with me from our past... affair. And so I lied to her, and she stood up for me," Azula says and Ozai does not know why he is so surprised.

"You think I'm lying to you?"

"I think you're looking for someone to be on your side. I wound up _actually _falling in love with her in the end. And I think you actually do love me and Zuko, if that's not too... optimistic of me. But I'm not going to fall for this easily," Azula says, slicing her breakfast.

Ozai decides to change the subject. "Zuko kept that painting."

"He didn't get rid of everything," Azula shrugs. "Most of your collections are still here, even if they're gathering dust in a storage room."

"I liked art," Ozai says honestly and Azula studies him for a moment.

"You liked _owning _art."

"I liked it and was capable of owning it. There is a difference, little princess," Ozai replies and Azula swallows her vicious snap about not calling her by that nickname. She prefers it over Crazy Princess to be honest.

"You would like to own _everything_, if possible, father," Azula says and he simply nods. She thought it was a scathing comment, but he treats it as simple fact. Azula supposes it is.

"You could say the same as my father or his. Or your uncle," Ozai responds casually and Azula knows he is right. She stares at her tea and decides against drinking it. "I didn't just like to own cities. I liked to own beautiful things."

Perhaps he can show her shreds of his humanity. That he is a person, who appreciated beauty and not just war. Stone sculptures and not just stone markers on a table symbolizing soldiers and ships.

"You know, I think I was part of your collection," Azula says and Ozai takes a deep breath. Of course she will twist it. "You meant to keep me for yourself, not to enjoy, but to keep others from enjoying what was yours. That's why you get that look in your eyes when I talk about loving the woman I married."

"I think you're right," Ozai says and Azula is startled. "You do look beautiful."

"I just woke up," Azula replies, still staring at him in search of a tell. His genuineness perturbs her, even though she knows it is simply a show for the people who want him to be redeemed.

"That doesn't make a difference," Ozai replies and Azula has no argument for that. "Maybe you're right. I think you are."

Azula swallows. She knows she still is in control, but she almost wanted her father to put no effort into this redemption. But she has been there, and she knows how it feels to be carefully walking on glass, hoping not to crack it with a false step.

"Oh," says a voice before Azula can press further with her father. "Hello."

Mother. Azula waits for her to turn around, but she sits down and pours herself a cup of tea.

"Am I interrupting?" Ursa inquires with such innocence in her voice. Ozai buys it; Azula does not.

"No." Azula stands up and walks away. Ursa looks at Ozai hesitantly.

"That's how all of our interactions end," Ursa says to him hesitantly.

"That's the first thing you've said to me in four days," Ozai replies and Ursa grabs herself a piece of fruit and focuses on it.

"I guess it is." They eat in silence after that.

Ursa cannot look at him. She still cannot bring herself to look at him.

And she will _never _forgive him.

But she does not mind this breakfast. Even if she makes eye contact with her food instead of the man four feet away from her.

* * *

><p>"Does it hurt?" Zuko asks, sitting beside his father.<p>

"What?" Ozai replies, confused.

Azula and Mai are trying to stop Izumi and Azusami from killing each other in the game they are playing, but enjoying it at the same time. And Ozai is watching, looking at his grandchildren and faced with the same lurking fear he had as he watched his children grow older.

He looks at the small, easy to miss smile on his daughter's lips. She loves her child and Ozai wonders if it will rot away like his love for them did. His family tree decayed in his mind, or something along those lines. He used to look like that when he tried to pry Zuko and Azula apart but wound up wrapped into their games against his will.

"Azusami," Zuko says and Ozai is still confused. "Her bending. Azula having her with Ty Lee."

"I don't know. I told your sister that I've gotten number as years pass," Ozai says and Zuko is startled at his honesty. He is playing the same game Azula did, but it is more surprising and unexpected from Ozai. "Numbness is an acquired taste, she said."

"I was just thinking that our family used to be like that."

"Hm." Ozai does not tell his son he thought the same thing.

Zuko is his son, but he wishes he weren't. And that has not changed with age and perspective.

Ozai continues, "I've gotten over living in memories."

And Zuko does not know what to say to that.

* * *

><p>AN: Ozai says Izumi doesn't know how Ozai got his scar. She does, and it comes up eventually, but at the time he doesn't know that Izumi knows. Just to clarify. There'll be more between Zuko and Ozai and Ursa and Azula next chapter, and also Aang and everything. I wanted to include everybody's conversations and reactions but that would be like a 14,000 word chapter.


	7. trust

chapter seven: trust

* * *

><p><em>"You cannot play God then wash your hands of the things that you've created. Sooner or later, the day comes when you can't hide from the things that you've done anymore."<br>- Commander Adama, Battlestar Galactica -_

* * *

><p>Azula wakes up screaming for the first time in a long time. Her throat aches, her mouth is dry and her body is drenched in sweat. Ty Lee is drenched in her sweat, she notices as she wakes up with her fists clenched and swinging at darkness.<p>

"It was a nightmare," Azula breathes as Ty Lee fumbles for the lamp and then gives up.

"What was it about?" Ty Lee yawns, picking goop out of her right eyelid.

Princess Azula pauses, unsure if she wants to divulge her dream. It was so vivid and dark.

"My father stole Azusami." Silence. "It was nothing major."

"You are on edge now. I can't say enough times what a bad idea it was for you to agree to redeem him," Ty Lee says quietly. Azula has no good response to that.

She lies awake for the rest of the night, seething over Ozai.

Three years ago she tried to give him twenty years of pain.

But she did not succeed, as evident by how much agony she feels.

* * *

><p>"The first thing you need to do, father, is apologize," Azula says, thrusting paper, a pen and a sealed inkwell into her father's hands. "The Avatar said for me to do what worked for me. Ty Lee forced me to apologize."<p>

They are in Ozai's room and he has barely woken up. Azula looks as if she has been awake all night, and she has. She has been scheming endlessly for how she can make this redemption for her father thing work. And it has left her a little wild eyed and unnerving to those around her.

Ozai is quiet for a moment. "What do you gain from this?"

"Nothing, unfortunately. So start writing before I lose my temper," Azula says sharply. "Zuko first."

She sits down on his dresser, perched and poised to strike. Looming above him, she looks like a statue of a dark spirit. Or something angrier and darker. Ozai hesitates, wondering if he should try to press further into the matter of her anger, but he decides messing with Azula is never in anyone's best interest.

He is not entirely sure why she decided to free him from prison and then glare at him all the time. It is complicated. Azula is complicated. And Ozai has no desire to try to understand any of his family members.

"I haven't done anything to Zuko," Ozai says, attempting to keep a straight face as he says it.

Azula cocks an eyebrow. Her lip twitches like a predator of the Fire Nation jungle and he uncorks the inkwell and starts writing.

As she leans back, seeming satisfied with his messy characters, he remarks, "I find it hard to believe that people were so sadistic in redeeming you."

"Keep writing, old man," Azula says sharply and Ozai squints at her. "Keep writing before I burn you way worse."

"Why are you so angry today?" Ozai asks and Azula does not reply. "Did Ty Lee threaten you?"

"No, she made out with me, actually. But that is not happening. I am in a very bad mood and I want you to work on these apologies for when the Avatar comes. You will do Zuko, mother, me and uncle. Then, when the Avatar arrives in four days, you will publicly apologize to us. I'm on your side," Azula says smoothly.

Ozai sighs and keeps writing.

* * *

><p>"You've been spending too much time with him," mother says.<p>

And Azula thought she got out of this mess when she won her bet with Iroh. Yes, Azula has spent a good deal of time with Ozai. But it has been left up to her to _redeem _him, which is an absurd concept. Of course mother has a problem with it, but does not have a problem with Zuko spending time with Ozai.

"He's my father and I love him," Azula says coldly, the words nearly rehearsed.

The trouble she has received for making an effort with Former Fire Lord Ozai has caused her to think up quite the tirade for the Avatar when he arrives in three days. His son was just born, apparently.

"It bothers me, you alone with him. Just because Zuko forgave you for that coup doesn't mean anyone has forgotten. That was what happened when you had time alone with him. He helped you try to overthrow your brother," Ursa says and Azula _does _understand her concerns, not that she will admit it.

"He seems to have little interest in that. He _is _getting older. I don't think he cares much anymore," Azula replies smoothly, more lines she has practiced. The fact that she has to defend herself is almost sickening.

"I don't trust him."

"And you think I do? He is the reason I don't trust anyone, even my wife. But he is innocent until proven guilty," Azula says calmly as Ursa's cheeks turn light pink, mottled against her pale, smooth skin. "You have every reason to hate him. We all do. But I have made my choice."

"You care so much about _choices_. Always _choosing_."

"Maybe because I don't have much opportunity to decide my own fate these days," Azula says sharply and Ursa frowns. She tries to put things into Azula's perspective, but her daughter has a very skewed view of the world that is difficult to understand.

"He's beyond the point of return," Ursa says and Azula tilts her head from side to side, her rosy lips pursed. "You don't think I don't reminisce about the old days? Things were good once. We had a happy home... but he was completely willing to destroy his family for his own shortsighted adolescent desires."

"I watched him twist and distort. And I honestly don't think he is going to change for a second. But I'm trying to repair my relationship with him," Azula says coldly. Ursa bites her lip and can only taste sharp, sweet metal.

"You've tried before and it never works out," Ursa replies and Azula knows she is right. It _almost _was mended while Azula was pregnant with Azusami. But Ozai did not budge as much as she thought he would.

But now Azula has the power. And she will fix her relationship with Ozai for the sake of her daughter. Maybe if she can get past him, she can be a good mother. Maybe.

Azula gets up and leaves before she can lash out further at her mother, who seems to be formulating a fresh response.

Frustrating. Azula cannot wait for the Avatar to show up. It will hopefully mend this situation. Frustrating.

That night, Azula is woken by the door opening to her office. The heavy footsteps muffled by pricey shoes definitely belong to Zuko. She has thrown herself into her work as another tactic of avoiding her responsibilities with Ozai. And she fell asleep directly on top of said work.

"Is there another protest?" Azula asks as she sits straight up. She recalls closing her eyes but not falling asleep at her desk.

"Yes," Zuko sighs. "How did you know?"

"Lucky guess." Azula rubs her eyes and turns to face Zuko, her legs straddling the back of her chair. She had torn her hair down from the topknot in frustration over the several applications for contracts with Caldera for rebuilding farmlands and fishing villages ruined by factories.

"I don't... I don't understand why people hate me so much. I look at father and wonder why people like him so much more than me."

"Ugh. You didn't tell me you were here to talk about your feelings. For the love of Agni just get a therapist." Silence. Azula studies Zuko's defeated posture and rethinks shoving him away. "People hated father too. The fact that people are protesting you means you're much better than him."

"How, exactly?" Zuko demands, looking frustrated.

"Because the reason nobody protested father was because people who spoke out were murdered or imprisoned. And, personally, I think that killing your own citizens isn't exactly the mark of a great leader," Azula says earnestly and Zuko is surprised by her words. "It's like how our kids will scream at us that they hate us, and we sure never did that to our father. Because he would banish or drown us or something."

Zuko stares at her and her expression twists into a sour one. She does not like those dewy, loving, brother eyes.

"Now stop complaining. This is our heart to heart for the year. Go on," Azula says, trying to compensate for the warm moment. Zuko just shakes his head.

"You go to sleep." Zuko points at her, she rolls her eyes, and he excuses himself from her office.

Frustrating. The next two days cannot go fast enough for Azula. Frustrating.

* * *

><p>"Why did you side with freeing my father?" Zuko demands of Mai for the umptillionth time and she rolls her eyes. "What? You were more supportive of it than Azula was."<p>

Mai is silent for a moment. "Because I believe that if we can sort out our issues with him, we have a chance of being... a happy family."

"You want that?" Zuko asks, his golden eyes sparkling with amusement. Mai just shrugs.

"I kind of do. I never had that and I want Izumi to, okay? And Ozai isn't _horrible_." Pause. "Okay, yeah, he's reprehensibly awful. But it can't hurt to try to fix this family," Mai says, shrugging twice and then sighing three times. Zuko kisses her tenderly on the lips and she does not know what to make of it.

"Come have lunch with me and my father. I'll try to find common ground with him," Zuko offers, surprising Mai. She thinks that perhaps he too wants to try, and that almost worries her.

Mai inhales sharply and tries not to cringe. It will be unlikely that Zuko can 'find common ground' with Ozai, but she supports it.

"Okay."

It does not go well.

At the lunch, "I didn't take your honor, Zuko," Ozai says sharply and Mai cringes. This was a mildly pleasant afternoon and Zuko was trying to hold a conversation with his father that was not an interrogation for the first time in ten years. Zuko genuinely made an effort for Mai, and, of course, Ozai is having none of it.

"You sure as fuck didn't defend it," Zuko retorts and Ozai stares at him for a moment with a quizzical expression. Mai stares directly into her tea as if it can give her answers. "Family _defends _each other's honor. A year ago, some asshole called Azula a slut. And so I punched him in his face and his nose just exploded in blood."

"If some asshole called Azula a slut I would also punch him in the face. Or worse. If someone called you a slut I would also punch him, or something more applicable to you and your gender. It's different, like how people outside of your family can't mock you or tell you your faults, but people in your family can," Ozai explains and Mai breathes in sharply. It _would _be sound logic, she supposes, or at least a way for Ozai to sleep at night. She hopes Zuko understands that and does not press this further.

"You _burned my face off_ and _banished _me from my country," Zuko snarls viciously, his face as red as the scar he refers to. Mai rubs her arm and wonders if she should intervene before it devolves to blows.

"Then why did you use that example?" Ozai inquires calmly, not looking perturbed at all. And that enrages Zuko, giving him a bitter, metallic taste in his mouth.

"Because that's, I don't know. I defended her honor. Azula has defended my honor. What have you done?" Zuko stammers, having so many articulate defenses within him but being so angry he cannot express them verbally.

"I would defend your honor to other people, Zuko, even if I believed you had none. Remember when you decided to go directly into Fire Nation waters while trying to capture the Avatar?" Ozai says, still cold, still calm, still a gravely, deep monotone that makes Zuko want to throttle him.

"No." Zuko does not want to discuss this anymore, even if it makes him feel like an insolent teenager to just deny.

"You are a bad liar. You must remember." Ozai will not drop it and Mai examines her teaspoon and tries to figure out how she could use it to disable them.

"Okay, yeah." Zuko rubs his neck and grits his teeth.

"I could've so easily had you arrested for that."

"I just thought you didn't give a fuck," Zuko replies earnestly, his voice weighted with emotion. It makes Ozai uncomfortable, but the former Fire Lord refuses to show it.

"No. I was told to arrest you. And I wouldn't. Because I care or something."

"Why did you really not arrest me?" Zuko asks, crossing his arms. Ozai shrugs before realizing he has to give an answer.

"This is absurd." Ozai stands up and leaves. Mai breathes a short sigh of relief; she does not think Zuko would like the answer Ozai had.

Zuko gazes at Mai for a moment and she offers him a shrug and a small, sympathetic smile.

* * *

><p>"Mai," Ozai says, addressing her for the first time all week.<p>

She, Zuko, Azula and Ty Lee are seated at dinner with Ozai. They are arranged around the glossy wood dining table, unsure what to say. Mai was talking and Ozai was watching her in like a tiger money watches its prey. And now she fears he is ready to make a strike, although she has no idea what he would strike with.

Tomorrow the Avatar comes, and they are all anxious for the next day. No one will sleep, and this dinner was meant to calm their nerves. But it only seems to exacerbate the discomfort of Ozai's presence.

"Yes?" Mai asks, looking directly at him. Her eyes have a piercing nature despite their apathy.

"Have you told your husband what would have become of you after he betrayed the Fire Nation during the eclipse?" Ozai inquires and Mai sets down her glass too hard, sloshing wine onto her hand. Azula narrows her eyes; she has heard nothing about this.

"He doesn't need to know. It was the past, and everything worked out," Mai says slowly as she rolls up her damp sleeve and rubs her hand on a red cloth napkin.

Zuko turns to Mai, unsure if he should believe his father or his wife. "What don't I need to know?"

Mai hesitates. She does not want to say; there is a reason she has not even told Azula. And she cannot believe Ozai would dare to speak of such a thing. She cannot believe she sided with freeing him from prison.

Finally, seeing Azula, Ty Lee, Ozai and Zuko all expectant, she says, "Zuko, we were engaged when we were kids."

"What?" Zuko's eyebrows shoot up. No one told him. He thinks for a heartbeat that their romance was a sham, until he realizes he knows Mai and he knows that she loves him. She wouldn't fake a romance for political progress, and she would have never married him if she did not.

"And the contract was broken after you were branded a permanent traitor," Mai says, swallowing. Ozai looks entertained by it and Azula stares him down like a dragon ready to scorch a village. "So my parents engaged me to your father."

"What?" Azula demands as Zuko seems to have no words. Ty Lee is blinking several times quickly, as if something inside of her has malfunctioned.

"Yeah. That's why I was so willing to die at the Boiling Rock. It was so much easier when you guys just thought I was madly in love with Zuko or something." Mai looks disturbingly unfazed. Ozai smirks. "Do you think I would've done that if I had anything left to live for? Offense completely meant to Ozai."

"So I'm just your assisted suicide?" Azula snaps, unsure who she should be most angry at. Or even if she should be angry at all. "I am so confused. Father, explain this to me."

"It isn't as if I requested it," Ozai says, looking pleased he brought it up. "Her parents did. I could have said no. I didn't. She's very attractive."

"You didn't tell me. Nobody told me!" Azula is the one who loses it, not Zuko, as Ozai had intended. "I... I..." and she trails off. She feels her nose tingling with tears and so she throws her plate at the wall as all of the candles illuminating the room flash a blinding cerulean.

"Azula─" Ozai reaches towards her, but she is gone as the room fades back to a dim orange.

"That sure didn't work how you meant it to," Zuko says coldly to his father and Ozai gets up, following Azula.

Mai crosses her arms over her chest, feeling more uncomfortable than she ever has felt in her life.

"You could've told me," Zuko says quietly and Mai just shakes her head. "Why didn't you?"

"Because you'd feel like even more of a dick for leaving," Mai sighs sharply, trying to be bitter and sarcastic, but her genuine emotion reflected in her voice. "This is going worse than I could have ever imagined. And I imagined it getting pretty bad."

Ty Lee stops staring at the door and gets up to pursue Ozai and Azula. She has nothing to say, other than the fact that she knew. Mai told her in the Boiling Rock, told her that she should not have interfered. That she wanted Azula to kill her.

As Mai evades Zuko's prying questions, Ty Lee creeps through the shadowy hallways.

Ozai. His voice is cautious, as if talking to a baby turtleduck. "I didn't mean to upset─"

Azula. Her voice is constricted with emotion. "You didn't _upset _me! I don't give a fuck what you do."

"Clearly you're upset if you... did what you just did. Why do you care so much?" Ozai is genuinely baffled. He cannot understand why Azula would ever be upset about that. "Were you jealous?"

"Was I jealous?" Azula shrieks, rattling the portrait beside Ty Lee with sheer force. The acrobat reconsiders getting involved. "You are the most sick, fucked up person I have ever met and I spent a year in an asylum!"

"I don't─" Ozai does not know what to say. Azula seemed so certainly on his side. For Agni's sake, he _apologized_.

"I'm angry because it's your fault what she did to me! It's always you. It's always you..." Azula falls silent as her voice cracks with sobs trying to break free of her unwilling lips.

Ty Lee takes two steps backwards and then stands still.

"I know I've hurt you." He reaches out to touch her arm and she yanks her elbow away.

"You have no idea." Harsh. Ty Lee walks forward, ready to put a stop to this. "I don't even have words for how much I hate you. I told mother you were the reason I couldn't trust anyone and you are. And I'm just like you, aren't I? I'm already fucking up my child and the cycle just continues like the seasons or the fucking Avatar."

"Azula..." Ozai does not know how to respond to this. How to react to this. She has always been immovable, even when he was pushing her to the verge of destruction.

"Good night. I regret my decision to free you."

* * *

><p><em>Ten years ago, Azula has just returned from the Boiling Rock. It is the night of the armoire. It is the night she decides she has had enough of her father and her friends.<em>

_Azula shuts and locks the door. And as an afterthought, grabs the armoire and pushes it across the floor. It hurts her arms; it is heavy for her. It scrapes across the floor as she presses it against the door. It leaves scratch marks on the wood._

_ Her body is wracked with sobs as she hears her father following her. How could an armoire stop Fire Lord Ozai? She contemplates moving it, but she simply stands with her arms wrapped around herself. He breaks down the door with one motion and Azula shrieks._

_ Punching a single fist, bending with his muscles and not his breath, Ozai disintegrates the armoire. He grabs Azula by the hair and pushes her against the wall. His body presses against hers, holding her there. Her cheekbone aches from the pressure of the palace against it._

_ "Don't you ever do that again," he growls, tearing at her hair. She bites back tears and shows no pain. And he pushes her to the floor. Her back collides with scratched wood and she bounces back up as if she were in a fight._

_ And she punches her father in the face. Ty Lee is gone. Mai is gone. Zuko is alive. She has nothing to live for. Father punches her back and she hits the floor again. This time, she cannot summon the energy to get up. Blood drips from her lips, metallic and disgusting to the taste. Her breathing is constricted as she looks up at the blurry form of the man above her._

_ She opens her mouth for an insult, for words, for an excuse, for an apology, for anything._

_ But she falls silent._

_ Entirely silent._

* * *

><p>Azula is in hysterics when Ty Lee summons the courage to go to their bedroom. She sits down beside her and Azula does not even try to hide her tears. It terrifies Ty Lee to the core.<p>

"There's obviously a lot more going on than what he said about Mai," Ty Lee whispers hesitantly, touching Azula's wrist. She takes it in her hand and swirls her thumb along the protruding bone. It quiets Azula slightly, but does not do much to mend her shaking shoulders and ruddy face.

"I'm... I don't even know anymore." Silence. Azula squeezes her eyes shut and tears drop onto Ty Lee's knee. "I don't care. You know what, I don't care. I don't need him. I don't need it."

The door pushes open before Ty Lee can try to help. Azula bites down on her lip to keep from shouting, and she is glad she made that decision when Azusami reveals herself.

"Are you okay?" murmurs the child. Azula breathes in slowly and just wants to throw herself off of something tall and feel her bones snap.

"I'm fine," Azula snaps and then she sees how her daughter's expression contorts in pain and fright. "It's okay. Don't be upset. It's not you." The words do not mean anything to Azula and she is not even sure if she is saying them aloud. Azusami does not react to them.

"I don't want you to be upset," Azusami breathes and Ty Lee moves to hold her. But Azusami breaks free of Ty Lee just as she grabs her and pulls herself onto Azula's unwilling lap.

"I'm not upset, baby," Azula murmurs as gently as she can. But it is too late; she has already upset Azusami.

Her daughter will never understand. Azula does not _want _her to understand, as much as it will eventually strain their relationship. Azusami never will understand Azula's crying or her hollow eyes or any of the things she does that make so little sense.

Azula is toxic to Azusami. And the little girl has no clue.

She loves Azula. And Azula knows that, like her father, she only has the potential to cause suffering.

But Azula sets her fingertips on Azusami's neck and holds her close. It feels like she is suffocating her daughter to death slowly, killing her by being present. But she holds her because she is supposed to.

Azusami and Ty Lee are better off without Azula.

* * *

><p><em>One year ago, Azula is in the bath. Ty Lee knows she is crying. She can hear the gut wrenching sobs that Azula thinks hot, scalding, steaming water can drown. <em>

_ "Can I sleep in with you?" Azusami asks and Ty Lee hopes the little girl cannot hear her mother. Because there are some things Azusami will never be able to understand._

_ "No," Ty Lee replies although it kills her. Azusami has a fever, she is sick, and Ty Lee will probably wind up sleeping on her floor clutching five pans for her to vomit into. Azula refuses to allow Azusami in their bed and Ty Lee knows _why _but it still frustrates her to no end._

_ "I don't understand," Azusami whines, kicking and then sneezing so violently her entire small body shakes. Ty Lee steadies her with gentle hands._

_ "You don't want to understand," Ty Lee says and Azusami is only more confused._

_Azula continues to cry in the bathroom._

_ Ty Lee tucks in Azusami._

_ So many questions without answers._

_ The royal family._

* * *

><p>Aang arrives and his embraced tightly by Zuko. He looks at Azula and smiles warmly at her. Ty Lee wraps her arm around her wife to stop her from doing anything insane. Not that Azula is going to strike at the Avatar, who could steal her bending.<p>

Azusami hugs Aang tightly, smiling. He pats her head and Ty Lee feels her heart melt.

Yet Azula only feels bitter.

"So where's Ozai?" Aang asks as if commenting on the weather.

Princess Azula grits her teeth.


	8. birth

chapter eight: birth

* * *

><p><em>"My life ended the day you were born."<br>- Bellamy Blake, The 100 -_

* * *

><p>"Azula says I have to apologize," Ozai says, holding up the sheet of paper. Mai smirks; she remembers when Azula read her list of apologies.<p>

"He _wants_ to apologize," Azula tacks on, but no one believes her. She does not even believe herself.

"Zuko first, of course. Seeing as I screwed him over so much that he became Fire Lord," Ozai says and Azula cringes. Ugh. Of course this will go terribly. Ozai has nothing to lose, and therefore nothing to gain from apologizing. Azula had an awful lot on the line.

"Alright," Zuko says, bracing himself. He does not think this is going to turn out as well as Azula imagined it would when she forced him to apologize.

"Zuko," Ozai says, "I'm sorry for burning you. I'm sorry for damaging your self esteem. And I'm sorry for doubting you so often. I'm sorry for depriving you of a childhood."

He pauses. It is going so well. Aang has a small trace of a smile on his lips and Azula's eyes are wide and hopeful for him to continue reading the script. But Ozai does not like playing by the rules of others.

"Zuko, I'm sorry for making your sister to replace you. And I'm sorry for penalizing you so much in order to better her. I'm sorry for using you as a tool to improve Azula," he says and Zuko can tell that this is not what he told Azula he was going to say from her parted lips. "You know, I can say almost the same to your mother. Ursa, I'm so sorry for forcing you to have Azula. It ended our relationship and your life."

Azula is silent. Of course. Of course. Why did she even try?

"Is that good? That's an apology, isn't it?" He looks at Azula for affirmation and she returns smoldering rage. His lips twitch with a smirk and she lunges at him. She is barely stopped by a gust of wind that pushes her back as she is about to take a death blow to Ozai's neck.

"You should go," Aang says sharply to Ozai. He looks about to protest before he sees Azula pushing herself up and lighting her fists again. Aang holds up a hand and the fire on Azula's fingertips goes out, as Ozai disappears from the room, grabbed by the arms by his guards.

"I didn't tell him to say that," Azula says, picking up the piece of paper he dropped when she moved to attack him. "Here." She hands Zuko's to Zuko and Ursa's to Ursa. She picks up her own and makes a strange face at it.

"You tried," Aang says and Azula slowly shakes her head.

"He was right. He just had the nerve to say it," Azula says and Zuko looks hurt.

"All of that was bullshit to hurt you for trying to change him," Zuko says fiercely. Ursa closes her eyes; she does not want to get involved.

"No, no it wasn't." Azula walks away as Aang turns to Zuko and tries to clean up his mess.

He thinks he needs to make some more effort on redeeming Ozai. It is his duty as the Avatar.

* * *

><p>"Do you believe his apologies?" Zuko asks as soon as he and Azula are alone. He holds up his piece of paper, trying to show he is talking about the written ones and not the off book rant about Azula's existence.<p>

"I forced him to write them. So, short answer, no," Azula replies with a shrug. "I just wish he had said them so the Avatar would be satisfied and leave."

"Why are you helping him? Last night... with Mai... why do you want him to stay free?" Zuko asks and Azula shifts her weight from foot to foot. She looks as if she does not genuinely want to answer.

"I don't even know," Azula says, picking at her skin. Zuko grabs her hand as a small droplet of blood rises to the surface and she moves to strike him but changes her mind. "He always told me I owed him and I... I know it's not true. I know I don't owe him anything because I've... I've earned everything I've gotten, rewards and punishments and everything in between. But I still believe it deep down."

"What he said about your birth was a bunch of bullshit," Zuko says fiercely, surprised at his own vehemence. Azula examines him for a moment.

"You told me that your life _ended _the day I was born. And mother's did too," Azula says sharply and Zuko sighs.

"My life didn't end the day you were born, Azula. It's not your fault," Zuko says earnestly, but his sister does not believe him. "I've blamed you for so much... but it's not... I don't mean it. I was a kid and our father intentionally tried to turn us against each other. Because if we were fighting each other, we couldn't fight him."

Azula pauses. She knows he is right, but a strong part of her does not want to believe it.

"Don't ruin this with feelings," Azula snaps and Zuko just looks at her. "Don't!"

"Okay, okay," he sighs, rubbing his neck. He wants to say more, and he knows the words are overdue. But he cannot think of anything worthwhile to express his sentiments.

"He was right about my birth. My existing screwed over a lot of people one way or another. I don't care, though. I have come too far to get thrown off the deep end by my father being an asshole," Azula says through her teeth.

Zuko can see that she is hurting, but he has no words. He just watches her walk away, her thoughts solely focused on the best approach to teach Azusami firebending. But in the back of her mind, she is still thinking about her father's apologies.

He is a horrible, horrible man.

Azula does not know why she liberated him.

Azula does not know why she has grown up to be just like him.

* * *

><p><em>The day after the bonfire on Ember Island, "My life ended the day you were born," Zuko says sharply.<em>

_ Azula has no response to that. She knows it is true and she is not going to protest it._

_ The only words she has are, "Father told you that?"_

_ "How did you know?" Zuko looks surprised, his anger fading and replaced by curiosity. _

_ "Because he told me that too." Silence. _

_ He also said that her mother's life ended the day she was born. On that sweltering day in midwinter, there were two deaths for one life. And Azula has been reminded of that whenever Ozai feels it is fitting. And so why should she not embrace it? Why should she not convince herself to be proud of it? If she feels pain and shame for her birth, she would be letting her father win._

_ "Well, that just goes to show it," Zuko says and Azula grits her teeth._

_ "I didn't _have _to help you in Ba Sing Se," Azula says sharply and Zuko laughs mirthlessly._

_ "Stop acting like you're trying to help me. You can't use that to excuse everything else you've done to me," Zuko snarls and Azula does not dignify it with a response._

_ She could have suffered greatly for her weakness, for her desire to help Zuko. But she saved him anyway. It would be easy for her to point that out to her brother, but she does not want him to think that she likes him._

_ Azula does not need him in her life. Maybe she wants him there, maybe not. But she has no need for anyone but herself._

_ Even if it can get painfully lonely sometimes._

_ She leaves her brother to fume on his own._

_ Azula does not need him. And she never will. _

* * *

><p>Ursa is the next to confront Azula. And Azula thought she had escaped the aftermath of her monumental fuck up with Ozai and Zuko's feeble attempt at a heart to heart. But here comes <em>mother<em>, probably going to apologize again.

"I understand your post partum depression. I had it too and I don't care," Azula snaps as Ursa's lips open. "I also understand that you and father stopped fucking after I was conceived and I don't need to know about that. I tried to get him to give a real apology but he has nothing to lose. I'm sorry that I'm not able to _redeem _him. Because I evidently have the magic... _touch_."

"Azula, you can't hide from this," Ursa says quietly, ignoring her daughter's attempts to bristle up, and Azula grits her teeth. "You weren't conceived well. I..."

"My daughter wasn't pleasantly conceived and I still love her," Azula says sharply to Ursa.

"I love you. Stop denying it." Ursa's tone is so forceful that Azula is startled. "It isn't _you _I stopped loving that day. It was _your father _I stopped loving that day. That apology was solely meant to make a rift between us. You're smart enough to know when he's playing you, Azula."

"I _do _know he's playing all of us like erhus. But I also know that there's truth in what he said," Azula says, sitting down. She realizes she is not escaping any time soon, and she will have to hear out Ursa, the woman she avoids and likes to pretend does not exist.

Ursa rubs her face and sits down across from Azula. She has never hated her husband more than she hates him at this moment.

"He was jealous, manipulative... I got myself into a mess. The only thing I don't regret is you and Zuko," Ursa says and Azula thinks she may be... honest. _Honest_. "I don't want him to take from me what I got back."

"You never got me back, mother. You're still kind of on mother probation in my eyes," Azula purrs and Ursa almost cringes at her attempt to secure power. She clearly is hurting after what Ozai said, and no one is going to try to do anything about it. People just let Azula drown without casting her anything to grab onto.

"I don't understand you."

"That's what Uncle says, that's what Zuko says, that's everybody's excuse. My response is that none of you ever tried to understand me," Azula says and Ursa has to admit she is right.

"He needed us more," Ursa states before feeling guilty about saying it.

"Yes, because I turned out _just fine_," Azula says sharply. She does not run after her dramatic statement as she usually does and so Ursa is unsure what comes next. "I want to forgive you, mother. But forgiveness is not in my repertoire."

"But you expect people to forgive you?" Ursa sounds frustrated already. Azula thinks it may be a new record of her mother transforming from well meaning to bitter and resentful towards her daughter.

"No. I have never expected anyone to. And I never tried to earn it. Maybe you try too hard." Azula shrugs and Ursa's eyes flicker with anger.

"You told me that day when you were with Azusami _maybe someday_."

"Maybe it isn't someday yet." At that, Ursa is the one to leave.

She tried. And Azula hates her all the more for trying.

Zuko walks into the room as Ursa is walking out. He looks at his sister, who is staring at the wall with an intense thousand yard gaze.

"Azula," says Zuko's unwelcome voice as Ursa walks away. "You need to stop punishing her for something she couldn't help."

"She could. She made her choice. She chose you."

Silence. Zuko wishes he had more to say.

* * *

><p><em>A year before the Avatar is uncovered, Azula watches her father's one night stand leave. It sickens her for reasons she cannot properly comprehend. Her mind makes little sense to her most of the time.<em>

_"You really miss her, don't you?" Azula asks, leaning against a wall._

_ Ozai is startled by her voice. "You need to announce yourself when you enter rooms. I'm going to hang a bell around your neck."_

_ Azula ignores that remark. She just looks her father up and down, and glances at the woman who has just walked away._

_ "She seems nice," Azula says and Ozai grits his teeth. This is going to be difficult, isn't it?_

_ "What do you want? You want me to say that I'm in love with your mother still to make you feel better? You're smarter than that, little princess," Ozai says, trying not to be too frustrated. He knows very well that she is thirteen and he needs to handle her as such, even when she feels like an adult in his eyes._

_ "Do you miss her? You told me you always hated her but that was a lie," Azula says and Ozai tries to hide his discomfort. Mentioning Ursa's existence is enough to have people executed, and Azula avoids mentioning her mother at all costs. She pretends Ursa never existed._

_ "Yes. I love your mother still," Ozai says, frustrated. "But our relationship was over before she left."_

_ Azula is suddenly intrigued. "What do you mean?"_

_ "Our relationship ended the day you were born." It feels like a slap in the face to Azula. He has already told her that she ruined her brother by existing; she does not need to hear that as well. "She hated me after you. And she hated you when you were a baby as well."_

_ "Why? What changed?" Azula demands, her fingers shaking slightly. He grabs her hand to silence the tremors._

_ "She told me that I valued my ambition more than my humanity," Ozai says as Azula is staring at her hand, wanting to free it from his grasp but unsure how to do it. "That wouldn't bother you, though, of course. You're just like me."_

_ "Do you love me?" Azula asks and Ozai is surprised at how small her voice has become so quickly. She seemed so high and mighty while he was bidding his one night stand good morning. But now she crumbles._

_ "Of course," he says and Azula's eyes flash. She did not expect that response. "I love you much more than I ever loved your mother. You being born was absolutely worth losing her and ruining Zuko."_

_ "Hm," Azula does not know what else to say._

_ "That's not a very enthusiastic response. You owe me at least a thank you," Ozai says and Azula clenches her jaw._

_ "I owe you nothing," she says, her heart leaping into her throat at the words._

_ "You owe me _everything_," Ozai says, pinning her to the wall by one hand. It takes a split second and her eyes widen; she was not expecting the strike even though she was staring at his fingers on her wrist._

_ "Don't do this," Azula whispers and he examines her for a moment, deliberating. Finally, he releases her and she breathes a small sigh of relief._

_ "If it makes you feel any better, I'd rather be sleeping with you than your mother," are his parting words._

_ Azula clenches her fists._

* * *

><p>After dinner, Aang walks to Azula. She thinks he is going to try to comfort her over Ozai, in which case she is likely going to kill him again. But he says something much, much worse.<p>

"Azula," Aang says and she crosses her arms. She has no desire to converse with the Avatar for a mere moment. "I wanted to make you an offer."

"Hm?" Azula does not waste words on him.

"I was thinking I could teach Azusami firebending," Aang says and Azula's eyes flash in a way that makes him flinch involuntarily.

"Well, you're a little late, because I'm teaching her firebending tomorrow morning."

"Oh, uh..." Aang does not know what to say.

He slowly edges out of the room as Azula glares at him. Her eyes feel as if they are peeling off layers of his skin.

Azula sighs. She _needs _to teach Azusami firebending, even if she has no idea how.

And she _needs _to tell her father to go fuck himself for those apologies.

* * *

><p>Zuko and Mai are alone together in the night. Mai tries to pretend to be asleep when Zuko walks in, but she gives up and opens her eyes when he lies down beside her. She knows he is going to bring up the conversation gone awry with Ozai at dinner last night, and she has no desire to discuss it.<p>

It happened. And what happened has happened and cannot be changed.

"I want to talk to you about what happened with my father," Zuko says to Mai and she crosses her arms. She has no desire to talk about her previous engagement to Former Fire Lord Ozai.

"There's nothing to talk about. It was ten years ago," Mai says slowly and Zuko does not pick up the hint. He is not the best at social cues.

"I know that it was ten years ago, but I feel terrible about it. I just left you to be married off to my father," Zuko says, in disbelief of himself. Mai shrugs. "Don't just _shrug_. It must have been upsetting."

"Yeah, it was kind of upsetting when my mom bought me wedding night lingerie. But my parents are horrible and I hate them," Mai says and Zuko is perturbed by how calm she is about it. "I have had a long, long time to get over a stupid marriage contract. Just because your father being here has stirred up all of your repressed memories doesn't mean he's doing that to everyone."

"I know your parents are horrible," Zuko says, hoping it will make this less awkward. It does not. There is still a strong, humming discomfort between the two of them.

"So, do you still worry that I'm in love with your father?" Mai cocks an eyebrow and Zuko rolls over and closes his eyes. "Oh, come on."

"I'm going to sleep now," Zuko says into his pillow. Mai slowly shakes her head.

"You're ridiculous," Mai sighs before closing her eyes as well.

She probably should have pretended to be asleep as she planned.

* * *

><p>Azula knows what she has to do when she wakes up in the morning. The Avatar's offer has absolutely sickened her, and she has realized that she will have to suck it up and do what must be done. Maybe she is utterly clueless, maybe she will be exposed as a failure, but there is <em>no way <em>Azula is allowing the _Avatar _to teach her daughter how to firebend.

And so Azula walks to Azusami's room while everyone else is still asleep. The sun has barely risen, staining the sky a light pink with traces of orange and purplish shreds of clouds. She pushes open Azusami's door and finds the little girl asleep, drooling profusely on her pillow.

Princess Azula kneels beside her daughter's bed and then pokes her shoulder. Azusami leaps up, looking around, and then flops back down on the bed when she sees her mother.

"What?" Azusami murmurs, rubbing her round golden eyes.

"I'm going to teach you firebending. So get up, and get up quickly," Azula orders and Azusami's eyes light up as if Azula has just told her she is getting a kitten.

Azusami leaps up faster than Azula has ever seen her move. She does not get dressed; she simply bolts for the door. Azula is unsure what is happening, but she follows her and finds Azusami waiting where Azula always trains.

"You're not going to get dressed... or brush your teeth...?" Azula asks slowly and Azusami shakes her head wordlessly. "Alright then. I suppose you're eager."

"Are you going to make me feel the sun again?" Azusami asks, crossing her arms with her chin pointing towards the sky slightly.

"No," Azula says honestly and Azusami glows. This is where Azula is unsure what to do next. "I'm going to show you the first four basic stances. And then maybe we can work on controlling the fire and not burning things down."

"Okay." Azusami claps her hands eagerly. "Then can we do lightning?"

"You're a few years ahead of yourself with that," Azula says and Azusami just nods, looking slightly disappointed but too afraid to complain. "Before we begin," Azula continues hesitantly, "I want to tell you something."

"Don't kill anyone," Azusami finishes proudly and Azula nods.

"Well, yes, _that_. Definitely that. But I want you to know that what really matters is you enjoying yourself. I don't want you to think you have to be perfect to make other people happy. Don't try to be the best firebender, be the best damned Azusami you can be. And the best you is probably magnificent. Okay?" Azula hopes it will abet any worries. "And if you don't want to firebend, you don't have to."

"Okay." Azusami smiles and prepares herself for her first real lesson.

An hour later, Ty Lee walks by the courtyard, looking through the bright windows. She sees Azula and Azusami and cannot believe her eyes. Azula has her hand on Azusami's arm, guiding her through a motion as Azusami's fingertips glow orange with dancing flames.

She smiles to herself as she watches. Azula _can _do it, even if she believes that she cannot. And Ty Lee can only hope that she sees the love in Azusami's eyes as she watches her mother.

They both show up at breakfast, where Aang and Zuko are talking pleasantly. There is no sign of Ozai or Ursa, which pleases Ty Lee greatly.

"I learned firebending!" Azusami declares, interrupting Zuko and Aang. But neither of them mind. "I am the greatest firebender _ever_!"

Azula rolls her eyes, smirking faintly.

"I'm sure you are," Aang says kindly without missing a beat. Azusami beams at him.

Ty Lee touches Azula's hand as she sits down beside her at the table.

"I knew you could do it if you tried," Ty Lee says softly and Azula does not tell her that it is the hardest thing she has ever done before. She still did not make the kind of progress she wanted to, but at least Azusami is happy.

Azula addresses the anxiously waiting crowd with, "She did really well." Pause. "Unsurprisingly."

Azusami smiles again.

Azula feels too nauseous to eat.

* * *

><p>"I'm glad you're teaching Azusami firebending," Ty Lee says, glowing slightly. Azula does not understand how she can value other people so much more than herself.<p>

Azula sits on she and Ty Lee's bed, having gotten undressed already. The pale moonlight fills the room with a small glow, and the lamps burn a dim orange against their red wax. Ty Lee is slowly undoing her braided bun, examining herself in the mirror. Azula watches, amused, as she ogles her reflection.

It is cute.

"I knew I had to eventually. It was like tearing off a bandage," Azula says, shrugging.

She plays it off as casual, but Ty Lee knows that it was difficult for her. Just like all parenting is for Azula. Ty Lee values every moment Azula struggles for the good of Azusami, because she fears incessantly the fact that Azula's doubts and fears influence the wellbeing of their daughter. The daughter Ty Lee forced Azula to have.

"I keep thinking about leaving," Azula says quietly and Ty Lee's eyes flash wide for a moment. "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to make you panic. I mean, I won't leave. I wouldn't abandon my family. But I can't help but think you both would be so much better off without me."

"That's not true. Azula, you know that's not true," Ty Lee says softly and Azula shakes her head. The princess does not believe her wife.

"I guess." Azula averts her eyes.

"Don't leave. Don't do it," Ty Lee says fiercely and Azula shrugs halfheartedly. There is a small, silent beat before Ty Lee smirks wickedly and her eyelids droop every so slightly. "How about I make you an offer?"

"Now, that's interesting," Azula purrs, fighting the curl of her own lips.

Ty Lee walks towards Azula, her hair falling around her form, accentuating her perfect curves. She straddles her wife and they are intertwined together for lingering moments as Ty Lee kisses Azula's neck gently. Their tongues travel the world within each other's lips as their hips grind against each other to a memorized and engrained rhythm.

And Ty Lee pulls away for a moment, stopping and gasping for breath as she removes her light pink clothes robe. It falls and lands around Azula's ankles, brushing against her pallid skin. Azula does not hesitate to remove her own robe as Ty Lee's fingers claw against Azula's in the race to bare her skin.

Their lips crash, teeth brushing against teeth. Azula sucks on Ty Lee's lower lip to the response of a moan, swallowed by Azula. They tear at each other with a forcefulness, clinging as if hanging from the edge of a cliff and they must remain together if they will not fall.

Azula's heart races in fits and starts as their exposed cleavage pressed together. Their bodies are so close Ty Lee is not sure where one ends and the other begins. Their fingertips touch against each other, a breath, a beat removed from the frantic motions. Azula closes her eyes and surrenders her body and her soul as Ty Lee kisses her clavicle and pushes her wife onto her back.

Ty Lee's teeth dig into Azula's skin, a forceful bite that does not hurt. Azula moans. Ty Lee's lips touch the outline and curve of Azula's right breast. Azula feels the need to control herself for a moment, to practice _restraint_. But why would Azula care about that kind of thing anymore? And so she digs her nails into Ty Lee's back. The acrobat does not even react to the pressure against her smooth, peachy skin.

Azula forgets about her problems for just a little while. She can only think about her wife, and not her father, or her daughter or her brother or her mother. Just the buck of Ty Lee's lips and the burning blaze Ty Lee ignites in the occasionally fading candle of Azula's chest. Azula's body burns and blazes, searing the skin and leaving a scar that nothing could erase.

Finally, in the ultimate act of forgetting, Azula grabs Ty Lee's hand with a snapping motion of her arm. Ty Lee allows Azula to control her with her doey eyes glimmering brilliantly. Azula guides her fingertips to the top of her navel, hesitating there for a moment. The sensation between the gentle touch of their skin is electric, like lightning.

Ty Lee dips her fingers lower.

And Azula forgets that her ultimate crime was being born.

Because she does not exist.

Only this, only this raw pleasure exists.

* * *

><p>AN: I worry that this family turmoil is drawn out a bit. Next chapter the plot kicks off and Chapter 10 catches up with the prologue, I promise. I hope it hasn't been dry or anything.


	9. loyalties

chapter nine: loyalties

* * *

><p><em>"The more a thing is perfect, the more it feels pleasure and pain."<br>The Divine Comedy, Dante Alighieri_

* * *

><p>"I don't understand your petty grudge," Ozai snarls to his daughter. She grits her teeth.<p>

Azula has avoided Ozai since his apologies yesterday. Apparently Zuko talked to him, but Azula is sure Zuko made little to no progress with father. And as her nightmares worsened, she realized she needed to talk to Ozai herself.

"I am the _only _person on your side, you realize that?" Azula says sharply, crossing her arms.

"The Avatar seems pretty apologetic. And he's right to be. He should have killed me," Ozai says and Azula clenches her jaw. "But it's not _my _grudge we need to think about. It's _yours_. Your grudge against me is just going to make your life much more painful. Every time you look into your daughter's eyes, you see your hatred for me. And you'll ruin her for it."

Azula's fingers twitch and spark, but she silences the lightning before it goes too far. She studies Ozai for a moment, chewing on the inside of her cheek with one canine tooth.

"Don't call it a grudge, father. It's more than a grudge. You _are _right that every time I see my daughter I see you. And I don't think you understand what it's like to see you every time I close my eyes at night. Every time I hear footsteps in the hallway. Every time I bend lightning or stare down a target. I see you. I see _your face_," Azula says slowly in a dark monotone. She sterilizes her words when they hurt her to say, Ozai notices. And it is utterly chilling. It would be easier to hear it if her words flowed with emotion.

"Let's work this out, little princess. You want me to play nice with you and do this _redemption _joke?" Ozai says and Azula taps her fingers on her elbow. A deal with Fire Lord Ozai is a deal most regret making. "Let's get the grudges and old blood out of the way."

"I do want to work this out," Azula admits reluctantly. "I don't... Just tell me why you felt it necessary to turn against me like that?"

Ozai looks puzzled and Azula does not know what to make of it. "I wasn't trying to hurt you. I was trying to _expose _them."

"Zuko is okay," Azula says feebly and Ozai slowly shakes his head.

"Everyone in this palace would be better off without you except for me. I think we all need to take a moment to assess where our loyalties lie." He looks smug as he says that and it sickens Azula to the core.

"My loyalties do and always have always been to myself and myself alone," Azula replies and Ozai smiles faintly. She clenches her jaw. He is making this difficult and Azula resents him for it almost as much as she hates the constant parade of images behind her eyes.

"Well, aren't you as slick as an oil spill on an iceberg and twice as toxic."

Azula swallows. "I am like you, aren't I?"

Ozai just shrugs. "We all turn into our parents eventually. It's only natural. I'm sure you'd rather be just like me than just like your mother."

"Am I allowed to opt out of nature?" Azula asks, trying to remember that she is here to harm Ozai, not play into his hands. Not be his little girl, but to be his worst nightmare.

Her relationship is complicated and it would be easy to call it a grudge. But it is incredibly complex, much more so than Zuko and mother and Ty Lee believe it to be. And Azula does not know how to express that to them. Or even begin to describe how much it hurts to hear Ozai say he is proud of her. It would be painless for Ozai to hate her, for him to curse her or be scathing to her like Zuko.

But he still... or maybe... Azula takes a deep breath and tries to think like a cold, calculated politician and not this man's daughter.

"Don't fuck up again. Don't cross me again. Because your plans to expose people tend to just expose what a reprehensible human you are," Azula says sharply and Ozai allows her to win.

It is not a grudge. It is something much darker and more permanent.

Azula leaves, trembling.

* * *

><p>"Firebending lesson," Azusami demands, tugging on Azula's sleeve. Azula looks at her and inhales sharply.<p>

She reminds Azula of herself. That is not a good thing. It is never a good thing.

Azula loves her daughter. She does. She must or something. No matter how trying the pregnancy was or the conception or the early years. She owes her child the privilege of having better parents than Azula did.

"Okay, firebending lesson," Azula agrees softly, but they are interrupted by Ty Lee walking in. Azusami beams at her and Azula wonders what it must be like to be so... trusting. As a child she was quickly made wary of everyone around her. She was warped long before she was wounded.

Ty Lee looks distraught and Azusami's smile fades. "My mother is here," Ty Lee says, swallowing. Azula examines her closely.

"Does she need something?" Azula inquires as Azusami is very confused. The little girl sucks on her thumb and chews at her nail nervously as her mothers look very serious.

"I don't know what she needs but I don't like it. She hasn't spoken to me in more than ten years, Azula. She didn't even come to our wedding or respond to Azusami's birth announcement and..." Ty Lee clears her throat. "Your father showing up is bad enough."

"You could brush her off," Azula suggests as Azusami seems even more nervous. Ty Lee shakes her head. "Well, what do you want us to do?"

"Talk to her, I guess. We should see what she wants," Ty Lee says gently and Azula nods.

"So, Azusami, do you want to meet your other grandmother?" Azula inquires and Azusami nods. Ty Lee pulls her hand out of her mouth and she glares before starting to chew on her thumb again.

Ty Lee looks solemn and severe, to Azusami's concern, as Azula picks up her daughter and they walk into the living room used usually for more casual negotiations with important people. Zuko is trying to hold a conversation with Ty Lee's mother and flailing at it.

"You've kind of come at a difficult time," Zuko is saying nervously. "You see, my father is staying with us now, and so is the Avatar. It's a bit messy."

"I understand that my daughter is likely in over her head. She tends to be," Ty Lee's mother says with a small sigh. It is only then that she looks up and sees her daughter, Azula and, lastly, Azusami.

"What do you want, mother?" Ty Lee asks, crossing her arms. Her mother looks up and smiles at her warmly, but Ty Lee returns a stone cold glare. Azula already does not like where this is going.

"I wanted to... just catch up," her mother says and Azula is well aware that she is lying. Clearly, she wants something, and Azula is not looking forward to when she finally asks.

"You _disowned _me for joining the Kyoshi Warriors," is Ty Lee's icy reply. Her mother clears her throat, already looking flustered. Zuko grimaces at Azula. She responds with a shrug and draws the nervous Azusami closer to her. "I owe you nothing."

"You have to have some _loyalty _to your mother. To your family," her mother scoffs and Ty Lee clenches her jaw. Azula is reminded of her father and it fills her chest with the bile of rage. But she knows it is not her fight.

"What is it you want, mother?" Ty Lee demands sharply as Zuko looks like he is trying to disappear.

"Your father is in trouble. He was arrested for involvement in sabotage of merchandise to the Earth Kingdom," she says and Ty Lee's eyes flash. "You're the Princess of the Fire Nation. You have to be able to pardon him."

"You told me I was no longer your daughter. Therefore, I think I owe you nothing. You have no relation to the Fire Nation Royal Family and you should get out," Ty Lee snarls and Azusami steps on Azula's foot trying to back away.

"Would your daughter do it for you?" Ty Lee's mother points at Azusami, whose big golden eyes flash.

"Yes, but it's different," Ty Lee says sharply.

"Why? Why is it different? I raised you; you raised her!"

Zuko prepares to intervene, although he is not sure if he should.

"Because, mother," Ty Lee screams, her face pinker than her clothes, "not all species _eat their young_!"

Azusami is crying now and Azula feels... responsible. More and more, she realizes she is more of a burden on her family than anything. At Zuko's nod, Azula picks up her daughter and removes her from the room as Ty Lee throws a teacup directly at her mother. The older woman barely has time to dodge before she starts railing on Ty Lee's alleged poor decision making.

Azula carries Azusami as far away as she can, until there is no sound but the wind against the walls of the palace. Ty Lee's screams at her mother continue, but Azusami cannot hear them, and that is all that matters to Azula right now.

She has wounded her daughter enough.

* * *

><p>"What did Ty Lee's mother want?" Mai asks curiously as Azula is trying to distract Azusami. "She left looking pretty pissed."<p>

"Where's Ty Lee?" Azula inquires, neglecting a response and looking up to lock eyes with the Fire Lady. Azusami continues playing with her toys, although she is chewing on her lips viciously.

"She went to go take a shower I think," Mai replies, and that confirms that Ty Lee is truly upset. She takes lengthy showers when she is frustrated or miserable, and Azula hates that it is such a clear sign, because it means that she has to confront it.

"I'm going to check on her," Azula says quietly, getting up. Mai assumes control of Azusami, realizing that this could be a significantly terrible situation.

Of all of the problems Azula has with Ursa, Ty Lee and her mother always seemed somehow worse. While Azula was abandoned, Ty Lee was seen and ignored. Somehow, to Mai, that leads to many more hard feelings. Azula pretended her mother was dead; Ty Lee had to deal with the fact that her mother pretended she was dead after she joined the Kyoshi Warriors.

As Mai distracts Azusami, Azula knocks on her bathroom door.

"Are you alive?" Azula asks, trying to sound playful but coming off as genuinely concerned. Maybe she _is _genuinely concerned.

"Come in," Ty Lee demands and Azula slides open the door and steps inside.

The steam presses against her body, suffocating her. She walks towards the shower and hesitates. She pauses for a moment before stripping off her clothes and inviting herself into the small gilded box.

"You got to screaming pretty quickly with her," Azula says, leaning against the walls of the shower. Ty Lee has her head against the wall and her body in the water. "And I thought me and my mother were bad. I really will have to use the quip about some species not eating their young against my own..."

"Azula, it isn't funny," Ty Lee says and Azula's eyes widen in surprise. "It feels like a bad sign."

"What do you mean?" Azula inquires, reaching for Ty Lee's slippery hand and taking it. "A bad omen? You know that bullshit isn't real, don't you?"

"Your father, my mother..." Ty Lee pauses and then decides not to continue. And Azula does not press any further into what could be troubling Ty Lee. "What she said about loyalty was a joke."

"My beliefs on loyalty are to be loyal to no one but yourself," Azula says, hoping it will elicit a pleasant reaction. But it does not. "Ty Lee, what is worrying you so much? You've been more fucked up since my father got out of prison than me or Zuko and I mean that's just─"

She is interrupted by a kiss.

Ty Lee's hands slip to craving places, and then stop. They freeze, although about to move into a sexual situation. But Azula does not mind as Ty Lee slips into her arms, her body wet, the steam pressing against both of them, and presses her face against Azula's neck.

It feels odd to Azula to be the one drenched in the tears of her wife, instead of the other way around.

* * *

><p>Azula has not hallucinated anything in years. Years.<p>

That changes. She has been dealing with her father all day. She decided to take him to lunch, which reminded her of her childhood. The only real good times they had were when he took her places and not when he cornered her places. He even made her laugh a few times.

They had drinks together like a regular father and daughter and not two war criminals. Stayed out late like friends. It felt odd after how much he has tormented her. They were avoiding the Avatar and Zuko together and it felt right. Camaraderie. Family.

But her thoughts started spiraling as soon as she got home. It is late now and she is in the bathroom, slowly undoing her hair from the wrap it is in, pin by pin, studying herself and her reflection. She keeps thinking about _loyalty_. And how her selfish nature still overrules anything she feels for Azusami, and then she thinks about her father and how he tore her up into pieces and then acts as if she owes him.

That is Azula as a mother. That _has _to be. That is what she has always been told.

"You were out with your father," says a voice behind her.

"Mhm," Azula replies to Ty Lee, not looking up. She is focused only on her golden eyes glimmering in her reflection.

"Everyone is talking about it."

"Who's everyone?" Azula demands, clutching the sink.

"Just everyone." Ty Lee's voices sounds... wrong. But Azula is exhausted and can't think too long about it. "What did you do with him tonight after those drinks?"

"... what?" Azula feels her heart skip a beat.

"Don't think I don't know. Don't think I don't suspect. I wasn't crying about _my _mother. I was crying because you clearly would rather have his children than mine."

Azula spins around, clutching a hairpin like a weapon. Ty Lee is not there. She steps forward and sees her fast asleep in bed. And Azula turns to her side and sees Ty Lee standing there. And then she is gone.

And then Azula realizes that she imagined it. That revolts and terrifies her.

"Mother─"

"Shut up! I don't want you!" Azula shouts before realizing Azusami is standing there, and is not, as she anticipated, a hallucination.

The little girl cries.

She runs.

Azula follows her.

Ty Lee reaches Azusami first, shoving Azula at the wall on her way.

* * *

><p><em>At the age of thirteen, Azula watches Mai leave. One by one they go, slipping out of her life. Because they do not care and that has been made evident to Azula over the years. Nobody cares enough to stay, except for father, and she sometimes thinks she is going to lose her mind justifying his actions.<em>

_ It is likely because of father that Mai is leaving. It _was _him who awarded her father a _colony _to himself. And so Azula is skeptical of everyone's intentions once more. Because trust is a waste of time, and it only comes to hurt her in the end._

_ "I have cried all of my tears," Ty Lee wails, clinging to Mai. "My eyes aren't even wet anymore. I ran out of tears!"_

_ "Don't freak out. It's not a huge deal," Mai says so calmly, as if this is not a devastating occasion. She awkwardly pats Ty Lee's back as Azula watches from the sidelines._

_ Mai looks up at Azula and they lock eyes for a moment. But Mai looks away and Azula tries to look as unaffected as possible._

_ "It's not as if I'll miss you," Azula says, although no one has bothered to address her in this _emotionfest_._

_ "Of course not," Mai replies softly and Azula does not know what to make of it._

_ One by one, they are picked off and drop far out of her reach._

_ Azula secludes herself after that. Delves into focus on perfection, perfecting herself, perfecting her petty life that will only have significance when she is Fire Lord._

_ Only she does not realize that the more a thing is perfect, the more it feels pain. _

* * *

><p>"I know that you're going to confront me about Azusami," Azula says as soon as she walks into the room. Ty Lee looks livid, moments after returning from consoling their three year old. Azula is still trying to gauge if right now is real or not. "But I think you're angry at your own mother, not me."<p>

"I'm worried about our family. And I'm worried about _your father_ much more than _my mother_," Ty Lee snaps and Azula swallows. "I lost my temper at my mother but you taking out your father and mother on our child is completely wrong." Pause. "It's completely you."

Azula feels her worst suspicions confirmed. There is no way Ty Lee could know that, but Azula keeps silent and believes her own doubts.

"I don't think it's that big of a deal," Azula murmurs, unsure how to defend herself in this. It feels nearly impossible to win.

"You've upset her horribly," Ty Lee snaps and Azula crosses her arms. She does not want to discuss this. "I can't... I don't understand why you can't just make her happy. Our daughter is going to be so fucked up because of you!"

Azula opens and closes her mouth. She wishes she had something better to say. The fight sparked a few minutes ago when Azusami ran to Ty Lee crying. Azula _did _have an outburst at her daughter, and she cannot justify it.

"And you haven't betrayed our family before? You should remember where your loyalties lie," Azula snarls, unsure what she is saying.

"What do you mean, _where my loyalties lie_?" Ty Lee snarls, clenching her fists. Azula eyes them nervously, waiting for one to move to land on her.

"That's what we need to remember," Azula says, trying to stand firm. But she feels like she is crumbling, and she feels like the world is spinning around her. "I know what I'm loyal to."

"You should be loyal to _me _and to _Azusami_," Ty Lee says, her cheeks flushed. The words seem difficult for her to even form.

"I know. But I'm not. I'm only loyal to myself... and so I think I'm all wrong for both of you," Azula says slowly, running her fingertip along the windowsill. Ty Lee's eyes follow it, watching her hand shake with nerves.

"You're not wrong for us, Azula." Pause. Ty Lee tries to think quickly. "I think you still think you owe your father."

"Not everything is about my father!" Azula screeches, suddenly losing her barely maintained cool. "He doesn't define me! And neither do you or my brother or Azusami! I don't know who I am and I never got to figure it out. I was always too busy trying to please my father or you people. I don't think I can be here anymore."

"Why?" Ty Lee barely chokes.

"Because I'm loyal to myself. It's in my blood. Are you loyal to me?" Azula says softly and Ty Lee hesitates before shaking her head.

"There's more than just you and me now. There's a family."

"Not quite." Azula storms out of the room after her dramatic quip, a habit that makes Ty Lee want to throttle her.

Ty Lee contemplates going after her, but she realizes that would just lead to her playing along with the abuse, manipulation and absurdity. And so she settles down for bed and takes an incredibly long bath, missing Azula more and more the colder the water got.

Once there is no more heat, Ty Lee feels an incredible chill. Her skin is pruned and wrinkled, and she is dry in some parts and soaking in others. The bath has not helped her in the slightest, and she has no desire to apologize to Azula or change her _loyalties_. Loyalties are words for war, not family, and Ozai and Ursa have proven how wrong that can go.

She wishes Azula were heating the water. She wishes Azula's lips were brushing against her smooth, bare skin. But the rift between them grows significantly day by day, ever increasing. And something must be done. It feels that Ty Lee's mother arriving was an omen or a sign.

Azula and Ty Lee have been deteriorating since Azusami was born. For three years they have been sliding apart. And Ty Lee is beginning to worry that she cannot hold them both together. Particularly with Ozai sowing seeds of mistrust in her, whether Azula will admit it or not.

Loyalties? Azula hasn't gone on about _loyalty _since they were children. Ty Lee is getting progressively more worried about her, and with her concern comes virulent anger.

She removes herself from the cold water, pulls on a light pink bathrobe and curls up in her bed.

Azula does not come to bed, but Ty Lee falls asleep anyway.

* * *

><p>As Ty Lee is fitfully sleeping, Azula sits down in the dead of the night and writes her note. She is leaving. She <em>has <em>to leave because she is a poison on her family. She is a rotting moss on the branches of the tree.

She writes the note; she knows where she is going. There is only one person who can fix her, and so help her, even if she must rip his fingers off to get him to do it, he will cure her. And then she can come home and be what she is supposed to be. Or what she wants to be.

Then she will not be like her father or Ty Lee's mother or the monster everybody assumes her to be. The monster that she is. She supposes that some ghosts never go away, some hurts never heal and some monsters tear and tear at your throat until they break free.

And now the monster within her wants to rampage.

She signs the letter, grabs her bag and adjusts her coat, and heads to the pier in the dark of the night.

* * *

><p>"I apologize if this upsets any of you, not that it would, but I'm leaving," Zuko says in an imitation of his sister's voice that is uncanny. "Don't come looking for me. You won't find me, I'm not dumb enough to get caught. I have realized that my daughter would be better off without me, and I need to find out who <em>I am <em>before I can take care of anyone else. I intend to return eventually, so don't order a funeral or anything. Although if you do... It just kind of rambles on conceitedly for a while. She could've gotten to the point a lot faster."

"This is kind of serious," Mai says dryly and Ty Lee is enraged that they are both being so calm about it. Zuko is squinting at the letter, Mai pulls herself away from Ty Lee, and only the acrobat is left wondering why they are not panicking or sending the military after her.

"Ugh, this is _exactly _like when the resistance captured her and you two didn't want to look for her. We found her with her hand broken and drugged and..." Ty Lee begins, exasperated.

"Azula clearly left with intent. Check the handwriting. Nobody has textbook perfect characters like that but her. Especially not some assassin," Mai says, gesturing at the letter with a small patronizing smile.

"How do you know what assassin handwriting is like?" Ty Lee squeals and Mai breathes in through her teeth. She just made this worse. "I know it's her handwriting. And it... kind of seems like her. But... she can't just leave her child and-and _me_."

"It's a terrible thing to do. But if there's anything she's good at, it's doing terrible things," Mai remarks with a small shrug and Ty Lee bursts into tears again. Zuko sighs.

"Mai, you're not exactly making this better," he says, patting her arm gently and causing her to roll her eyes. She rubs her arm where he touched it and begrudgingly decides not to interfere. "She's been weird since she had Azusami. She's probably just going to go walk around for two weeks before she realizes she doesn't know how to wash her own hair or buy things in stores and she'll come home. I had to tell her what a price tag was last week; you have nothing to worry about."

Ty Lee bites her lip. She knows he might be right. Azula _wouldn't _leave her. She _couldn't _leave her.

"She'll be back," Zuko says, setting down the letter and making a sympathetic face at Ty Lee.

Ty Lee has to believe him. She _has _to.

After the letter, Ty Lee decides she must come up with excuses for her daughter. Azusami has already spiraled into blaming herself at an age where she should be too young to even understand the meaning of that. Mai tries to help and makes little progress.

Zuko, Zuko confronts his parents. Ozai and Ursa cannot even look at each other as he tells her Azula left. Because they both accuse the other.

"You _both _are guilty. You realize that? You both hurt her. And me, but I'm bouncing back. She's... she's gone because of the two of you. I want you two to make amends, because, right now..." Zuko trails off. He has many things he wants to say to his parents, but he thinks his silence will influence them more.

He bats away Ursa's hand as it reaches to him, and goes to try to solve Azula's disappearance.


	10. longing

A/N: **Warnings **for infidelity.

* * *

><p>chapter ten: longing<p>

* * *

><p><em>The caged bird sings with a fearful trill<br>Of things unknown but longed for still  
>"Caged Bird" - Maya Angelou<em>

* * *

><p>Three weeks after Azula flees her home in the dead of the night, Iroh is sleeping fitfully in the Jasmine Dragon. He has had <em>two <em>break ins of late, as well as the stress he has been suffering after leaving the Fire Nation. It is shameful that he found himself leaving without contributing to the redemption of his brother, but he honestly does not see the willpower to change.

When Azula carried Ty Lee's body through the streets in tears, he saw she could change. Ozai is too far gone.

The distressing nature of things in the Fire Nation make him worry upon occasion that things will go awry there. And he knows he should have loyalty to his family and their well being. But he felt relieved to leave the tension that he thought he escaped long ago.

He does not know if his family will ever be whole. And he has stopped trying to make it so, and he does not think any of his relatives are trying either.

But that is in the past, and now he can devote himself to a life of calmness and contentedness.

Then, as he is about to fall asleep, he hears a loud noise downstairs and cursing in a feminine voice. Clearing his throat, he breathes in and gets out of bed. Perhaps he will catch the vandals this time, and give them a very stern lecture about the direction of their lives, because he is getting very frustrated with the idea of thieves giving him so much trouble.

When he reaches the kitchen, it is entirely dark. The window is broken with glass trailing across the floor. He illuminates the room with his flame, treading carefully to the intruder. He sees in the light that the glass is speckled with fresh blood. And the whimpering reveals that this is not the brightest thief, which Iroh supposes will make his work much more easy.

He pushes open the door to the pantry and is blinded by blue.

"Sorry! Sorry! Forget I ─ _ouch _─ You can't just go opening doors while people are alone! I mean, sorry!"

"Azula?" Iroh blinks several times before lighting the lamp in the pantry. A thousand types of tea, each unique. All expensive.

And amongst the tea is his niece, clumsily trying to bandage one of her hands, with the other ablaze as she squints in the light she produces.

"How did you get here?" Iroh asks in bewilderment and she examines him as if he is crazy for inquiring.

"I needed to get away," Azula says, as if discussing a shopping trip to relieve her stress. Not sneaking into a city she is not allowed in by law, breaking into Iroh's tea shop and clearly having been gone for at least a month in order to get to Ba Sing Se from the Fire Nation.

"That is understandable... but I would have appreciated a warning to prepare for guests." Pause. "And also for you not to break my window."

"I'm doing what I can," Azula snarls haughtily and Iroh advances on her.

"Do you mind if I touch you?" he asks and she rolls her eyes in response.

He takes her hand hesitantly and she grits her teeth at how he now sees her as fragile. That question enrages her more than, _"Are you the one who went crazy?"_ People have been asking it so often in her family. It is something they refuse to acknowledge, but something they seem to see every time they look at her, which Azula finds utterly disgusting.

She is more than that.

"Does your family know that you are here?" Iroh asks as he carefully examines her wounds. He feels slightly nervous about the contact with her hand after what Ursa told him about Ozai, but she does not seem to care as she grits her teeth through the pain.

"No. If I told them they would try to stop me," Azula replies sharply, still seeming dumbfounded that Iroh is clueless to her actions. She always has been selfish... though Iroh supposes he is selfish as well.

"This looks bad... How about I patch you up and you explain why you are halfway across the world from your wife and daughter," Iroh offers tenderly and Azula sees through him. Some manipulate with fear, others with superfluous kindness.

"Alright, Uncle," Azula sighs, acting as if it is an inconvenience. Iroh sees through her. Some hide with silence, others with great show.

He walks with her to his apartment upstairs and gestures to the table. She sits down, picking at the glass in her hand and wincing every time. Biting his lip, Iroh reaches into the cabinets and withdraws a box of medical supplies. He is not quite stocked for such an injury, but he will make do.

"Are you going to seek violent revenge on my window? I think I should let it know if you are," Iroh jokes and Azula laughs. He feels a wave of relief.

"I'm here because you owe me," Azula says as he tries to undo the mess she made trying to bandage herself.

"What do I owe you?" Iroh asks, genuinely puzzled. Azula breathes in sharply as he plucks out a shard of glass.

"You gave Zuko a childhood. You gave him everything. You _fixed _him and I _deserve _that too," Azula says breathlessly, her tone close to pained. Iroh plucks out another piece of glass, swallowing. It is not a request he ever expected from her.

"I still remember our talk by the pier, all those years ago," Iroh says, plucking out another piece of glass. Azula winces at this one and he quietly apologizes. "We have been in similar situations."

"I never thanked you," Azula says and Iroh raises his eyebrows, surprised. "You were the one who told them I could change. I mean, I was completely playing all of you at the time and pretending to love Ty Lee but... a marriage and a child later, and an entire reform... you were right."

Iroh is not sure what to say. This is surprising but welcome behavior from Azula. She has matured a good deal over the years, but around the time of Azusami's birth she became more erratic, reverting to her old ways more easily. Violent, sometimes unstable.

"Speaking of your marriage and child, they are probably very worried about you. I should write a letter to them before the whole army comes looking for you," Iroh jokes and Azula grimaces.

"One time I skipped school and my father sent the whole army after me," she says and Iroh laughs. She breathes a small sigh of relief; she had feared he would be angry that she turned up uninvited. "Look, Uncle, I... I'm not able to be a part of my daughter's life until I overcome these... these issues inside of me. And I can't do this alone. I mean, believe me, I don't want to ask you for help. But you seem like the only person... who can."

Azula's expression is pained the entire time she explains herself to him. He finishes rummaging for paper, ink and a pen and studies her closely.

"Tell me more," Iroh says gently, and at first she looks like she is going to burn down his apartment, but then she takes a deep breath.

"Every morning, I drag myself out of my nightmares and... there's no relief," Azula admits, examining her fingernails. "I can't... I can't live like a normal person and I'm done with it and I'm done putting Azusami and Ty Lee through it. They both would be a thousand times better off without me."

"You need to think about the truth of the matter," Iroh offers and Azula scoffs.

"The truth of the matter is that I have no idea why I'm not just _dead _and I _should _be dead and it would be best for everyone if I was just dead. My daughter would better grow up with a dead mother than something like me," Azula snaps and Iroh would have never expected it from her lips.

Even in her darkest hours, she seemed confident in herself. Azula wishing she were dead is not something Iroh ever thought he would hear. And he does not know what to do. He notices _thing_, something, not _someone_. And that concerns him.

Azula continues, as Iroh knows he should listen for as long as he can to make her feel heard and not lectured, with, "I was supposed to be so... I was destined for greatness, I was born lucky and my father poured resources into me and people respected and feared and loved me and wanted to be me. But now... I just... the fire died. I am nothing. And I never will be."

Iroh blinks. Azula does not think he understands and she does not know why she expected him to.

"I have put them both through so much. And I... I'm not what Ty Lee fell in love with and that sickens me. And I'm nowhere near qualified to raise a child without royally fucking her up. I think I hate her but I don't... maybe I do. When she was little I resented her for just draining my soul and I bet she remembers that." Silence. "Who the fuck decided that it had to take a thousand times as long to put yourself together as it takes to fall apart?"

"Uh..." Iroh does not think he has ever been so speechless, and he feels terrible for it. He _wants _to help her. There is nothing more he wants than to help Azula and to make up for their past. But she now is in hysterics, gasping, looking about to combust, and he is not used to it.

"It's not like it matters. I'm going to bed," Azula finally says, her voice cool and calm, confusing Iroh further.

"I will write the letter," he suggests, but she is already gone into his guest room, slamming the door behind her and flopping onto the cushy green bed.

Azula tosses and turns all night. This whole country smells _wrong_, and she does not know why she decided to come to the fucking _Earth Kingdom_. Of course, she supposed it was because Uncle was so helpful to Zuko in his time of need, but now he is just a clueless old man, probably just to _spite _Azula, of course.

She remembers this room. Being cramped in here with her broken leg, climbing out of that window and the sensation of letting her bending burst free.

Azula never asked Aang why he couldn't do it. He tried, oh he tried, to take her bending like Ozai. And he was so ashamed of not being able that he roped her into _hiding _it. Ridiculous.

Cautiously, Azula walks to the window and pries it open. The air smells like spring mud and something burning down the street. She steps up onto the windowsill and drops down, landing on the roof.

She walks, following her footsteps, lighting her fingertips gently. She does not shear buildings in half with a raze of blue, like she did then. But for a little while, she feels free.

And the fact that being away from her family makes her feel _free _disturbs her to the very core.

* * *

><p>In the Fire Nation, Ty Lee has sunk to a very deep, low, dark place in her life. She thought she would be strong enough to handle Azula abandoning her. Ty Lee is a powerful person who can take care of herself, and has restarted her life more times than she can count on one hand. But this is different.<p>

This hurts worse than birth, worse than rebirth and worse than death. Because she does not know what to do with herself or her daughter, and she has no idea how to even begin.

All of the longing makes so little sense. All of the crying she does not understand, because she should move on and be brave and not just be wallowing and waiting for her wife to return. It will do nothing for her, nothing good at least.

"You okay?" Mai asks, leaning on the doorway. Ty Lee has just been staring at the ceiling, as if she is catatonic. It is starting to disturb Mai. "Do you want something to eat? Have you eaten?"

"I... I don't know," is always Ty Lee's response.

Mai takes a few careful strides into the muggy room and sits on the bed beside Ty Lee. She stares at her feet for a moment. Words are not her gift, and she does not know how to remedy this situation. But it is incredibly hard to see Ty Lee this way.

"Azula loves you. She just needs time," Mai says and Ty Lee can only sigh.

"I'm starting to wonder if I'm hoping for nothing. Like a widow who still waits for her husband to come home from war," Ty Lee murmurs and Mai takes a deep breath.

"Azusami needs you. You can't just wallow in Azula forever." Silence.

"Yes, yes I can. And you can't just _order _me to stop missing her. Wanting her," Ty Lee snaps and Mai just gets up, shaking her head and leaving.

Ty Lee needs more patience, but Mai has none of it. Moping around and neglecting her child is sickening. So Azula is horrible. How surprising.

The Fire Lady just grits her teeth and walks away.

* * *

><p>When Azula crawls back through the window, she sees Iroh finishing the letter and tying it to a messenger hawk. The princess waits with bated breath before slipping back outside and striking the bird down with a single, calculated burst of cerulean.<p>

As it collapses to the ground, she collects it, disposes it, and goes to bed, relieved that no one will know where she is.

In the morning, Azula sits with Iroh at breakfast, sipping her tea, which is remarkably good. She does not know how he makes hot water and leaves taste so wonderful, but it is probably his only real talent.

"I don't actually know what I want," Azula says and Iroh is again surprised by her openness. He thinks she genuinely is seeking his help and guidance, and he is having trouble thinking of ways to help her.

"It can be hard to figure out," Iroh says with a shrug and Azula sighs loudly.

"Where is your infinite fucking wisdom?" Azula snaps and Iroh's neck bones tense for a flicker of a second. "Someone is finally _asking _for your advice, and suddenly you run out?"

Iroh hesitates. "Why do you not think you are right for your daughter and wife? They love you, and you love them."

Azula hesitates. "Because I make their lives worse. I'm my father... I can't do that to them. At least until I cure myself or something."

"You are not your father."

"How would you know?" Azula snaps and Iroh breathes in deeply. "You left with Zuko when I was a child. And now you live here in Ba Sing Se, removed from our family and with no clue what goes on. The past three years have been the absolute worst of my life and that is including the asylum and the Boiling Rock. But it's not Azusami's fault and it's... it's not Ty Lee's. There's something wrong with _me_."

Iroh does not expect this kind of observation from Azula. And then he realizes that the reason he does not expect this kind of observation is because he views her to be just like Ozai. He frowns into his tea at that thought.

"Your father did all he could to make you be like him, but you do not have to follow in his footsteps. Mine did the same and, well, he destroyed cultures and I run a tea shop and give unwarranted advice to young people for fun," Iroh says and Azula wonders if she should laugh or not. He does not.

Azula pauses. "I have two parts of me debating right now. One part says that I'm never going to escape what I was born and brought up to be. And the other part says, 'I agree.'"

Iroh picks at his lips and tries to choose the right words to say. "I want to help you break those chains of your past. I do."

"Then help me," Azula replies and Iroh nods.

* * *

><p>Two months into Azula's stay in Ba Sing Se, Azusami finds Ty Lee curled on the sofa, staring at the wall, as she has taken up doing of late. The little girl clambers up onto the couch and forces herself into her mom's arms. Ty Lee holds her, although it feels slightly hollow.<p>

"Hi, baby girl," Ty Lee says softly, stroking Azusami's soft raven hair. "Do you need something?"

"When is mother coming home?" Azusami inquires softly and Ty Lee bites back tears. "I miss her." Pause. "Did she leave because of me? Because...?"

Ty Lee knows Azusami is talking about the night before Azula left, when Azula screamed at her for no reason. Screamed that she did not want her. It fills Ty Lee with the bile of rage. Azula has maddened her for decades but Ty Lee has never been so angry at the woman she has loved for so long.

"It isn't because of you. It's never because of you. There are things about your mother you don't understand yet. But you will, when you're older. I promise," Ty Lee says and Azusami looks dissatisfied. "It'll be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

Azusami just gently sets her head on Ty Lee and tries to fall asleep. Their family is torn to pieces because of Azula, and Ty Lee has never hated her so much.

The next day, she is crying, and Zuko comes to console her, of all people.

"Are you okay?" he asks, sitting down beside her. She just squints at him.

"Of course not. I hate your sister and I hate myself and I don't even know what to do anymore," Ty Lee chokes through the sobs. Zuko takes a deep breath and tries to figure out how to approach this.

Zuko hesitates, unsure what to say, and then awkwardly hugs his sister-in-law. She sobs onto his shoulder and his clothes become damp, but he simply lets her hold onto him for as long as she needs to.

No one else is bothering to help Ty Lee, and so Zuko steps up.

It is the right thing to do, and Zuko has made a career out of doing the right thing when no one else would.

Ty Lee is grateful.

* * *

><p>Azula has partially come to terms with herself over the course of her stay in Ba Sing Se, but she is still nowhere near satiated. Her uncle convinced her to keep busy with simplistic tasks, which she thinks is just him forcing his chores onto her, but she does have to admit the occupation with these things outside of politics and family has helped clear her head.<p>

Iroh does not seem to find it odd that no one responded to his letter, which Azula is relieved about. She was concerned she would have to forge something, which would be immensely risky.

Azula confronts her Uncle after dropping a variety of dishes into the basin. She leans against the wall of the kitchen and watches him slowly stacking boxes of tea.

"We're not making nearly enough progress," she says sharply. "I'm still not ready."

Iroh hesitates. "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished."

Azula rolls her eyes and he should have expected that response. "You've kept me busy and given me a bunch of riddles to solve but I still feel the same. I still feel... ugh. I don't know why I'm wasting my time with you. Either Zuko is much smarter than he lets on or you are a fraud."

Iroh does not respond; he waits for her to continue.

"All I want is to be able to teach my daughter how to firebend, to love my wife without hurting her and to somehow... not be me."

He looks up from his tea stacking at last. "There is nothing wrong with who you are, Azula. I do not know why you are so caught in that idea."

"I am a weapon and I don't know how to exist in this time of peace. I'm a mess, and my head is fucked and my life is horrible and I have always felt so trapped. Like something is pressing on my chest and won't get off, slowly crushing me," Azula says bitterly.

They have these arguments with regularity. Usually after she has a panic attack and he calms her. Or she becomes too frustrated with how he is trying to help her. Azula is used to everything coming easy to her, and she was raised by her father, and not her uncle or mother.

"I have a friend who can help you. He may understand you better than I can," Iroh says and Azula crosses her arms. "I am sorry that I did not give you a childhood and I am sorry for all the things I have done that you blame me for, or what you think you have missed out on. But if what you truly want is peace and control of your life, he will help you."

"Good."

Iroh nods, and gets in contact with his friend to help Azula.

He has tried and tried with her in a number of ways. But still she cannot move on and move past.

Still she wonders why she is not dead or why she has not killed herself.

And so he seeks an outside source.

Regret. Riddled with regret throughout his retirement. Throughout his entire life.

Hopefully he can make it up to her.

* * *

><p>Ty Lee is crying in the living room again after tucking in Azusami, and Zuko is the one to find her. He supposes most people would just walk by and leave her, too afraid to interact, but he cannot help but help her. He never was very close with Ty Lee in their past; she was always Azula's right hand and therefore they were often at odds.<p>

But he hates seeing her hurt like this. She tends to be the only positive person in the palace, and it is making everything far drearier.

He sits beside her and she wipes her eyes.

"Are you okay?" Zuko asks and she slowly shakes her head.

"I'm just thinking that I need to move on from her somehow. I need to just erase her from me..." Ty Lee murmurs, as much as it hurts. "It's been three months, Zuko. I don't think she's coming back."

Silence. Zuko clears his throat.

"I, uh, I don't really know how you would get over her. I mean, I'm sure you could but─"

"Zuko," Ty Lee says softly as they are alone together, "you've been the only one who's... really helped me through this."

Zuko rubs his neck. He does not know what to say to that. All he has done is what he is obliged to do as a decent human being. But Ty Lee does not have much experience with decent human beings, he supposes.

"It's really nothing," he says gently, patting her hand before feeling massively awkward. Ty Lee looks at him for a moment, her wide, glittering eyes studying his every feature. He does not know what to say as his heart starts to beat too fast. Zuko does not like how she is looking at him.

"Thank you for your kindness," Ty Lee whispers before leaning in towards him. His fingers tense as her lips graze against his and then press.

Zuko inhales sharply, mostly because he likes it and that terrifies him to the core. This is completely, utterly reprehensible and he cannot let himself sink to this level. But she sets her thigh between his legs and he closes his eyes, wondering whether or not he genuinely _wants _out of this situation.

Her fingertips are on his chest and he realizes that _this _is how she plans to erase Azula from herself, her mind and her life. Ty Lee's lips press fiercely against his again, as her hips are against his. He still is not moving, still knowing that he is too moral to let this happen.

But is he really? He does not know.

"I'm married," he finally says as her lips break away from his.

"So am I," is her response, as if this does not matter in the slightest. "Azula fucked Katara and I forgave her."

Bitterness in Ty Lee's words now. Anger at Azula for just ditching her as if it is not a big deal.

"I..." Zuko does not know what to say.

Her hands move to his pants and he does not resist. The warmth of her lips against his skin burns like fire. And her hips pressing against his as she invites herself onto his lap is exciting in a way he knows he will absolutely regret.

After a moment's hesitation, he slides his hands to her back and holds her in place, bringing a twitch of a smile to her coral pink lips.

She revels in it. She tries to forget Azula and sink into Zuko.

He enjoys it far more than is morally right.

* * *

><p>On the other side of the world from her wife and brother fucking in a parlor, Azula is lost in the middle of the woods. The middle of <em>fucking <em>nowhere and her Uncle's letter has likely led her to some kind of terrifying trap. She has no idea what she is looking for or what she is supposed to be doing.

She keeps walking, however, desperately looking for anything that can help her. But she comes up short. Ugh. The frustration is impressive.

And then something latches onto her arm and yanks her into a tree, screaming so loudly that several birds are displaced from the trees with a loud fluttering of wings. Azula fights against the bond holding her above the forest floor, finally propelling herself decently enough with her bending to set her feet on a nearby tree and start to burn the thick rope holding her.

A trap. An _actual _trap. And she was just being cynical when she had those thoughts about Iroh.

"You are not who I was expecting," says a voice from below Azula as she burns away a few strands of rope.

"Who were you expecting? A hogmonkey?" Azula snarls, squinting at the old man. She finally frees herself and drops to the forest floor. "My uncle sent me out here to die apparently. If you're going to kill me and eat me just get it over with, will you? My feet hurt."

The old man cocks an eyebrow. "_You're _Iroh's niece?"

"You look familiar..." Azula murmurs.

"My name is Jeong Jeong, and the trap is there to keep out my enemies."

"Jeong Jeong... the _deserter_?" Azula's eyes flicker with realization. "You can't have that many enemies a decade after the Fire Nation was expunged from here."

"You overestimate the willingness of our nation to accept change. Come with me."

Azula swallows, having no idea if she should trust a paranoid lunatic who sets up traps in the woods and _deserted the Fire Nation_, but she is desperate to fix herself, and so she follows him.

* * *

><p><em>"I've never been lonely with somebody else before."<em>

A year after sneaking away in the night, Azula hears Ty Lee's voice in her head as she gently wakes up. She is in training clothes that do not fit right, in the forest, in a tent, and her back is incredibly sore. It does not even feel like an improvement from her uncle's apartment in Ba Sing Se, which is a great statement.

"Good, you're up," comes a voice she is unfamiliar with and she jumps up before recognizing Jeong Jeong, who she quickly remembers has adopted her as a student.

She always feels so disoriented when she wakes up, and she does not know why. She should be used to this ridiculous existence training with Jeong Jeong by now.

Azula has found more about herself, and more peace than she can imagine by working with him. Firebending. Through fire he helps her. Through his own self loathing, he understands. He knows what it is like to be a weapon but not want to harm those you love.

Iroh is wrong about most things, in Azula's mind, but he was right to send her to Jeong Jeong.

And never has Azula understood the concept of restraint as much as when Jeong Jeong teaches it.

"Start running," is Jeong Jeong's blunt introduction, and Azula obeys.

She runs through the woods, inhaling the bitter air that stings her lungs. Pushing herself to the limit before training and discussion and introspection. She removes herself from her destructive thoughts and focuses solely on bending and training.

Somehow, Jeong Jeong made what turned her into a monstrous mess into something that could heal her.

Soon, she thinks, she might be able to go home and run her family, instead of destroy them both.

But she has no idea that her family has gone on without her, as the egotistical often wind up.

Ty Lee lies with Zuko in bed. The first tryst they had ended with them slipping back on their clothes awkwardly, standing on opposite sides of the room and wondering what the fuck they had done and how they had ruined their lives.

But now they have grown together, closely knit. Ty Lee is starting to forget Azula and discover Zuko, which she must admit she finds pleasant.

"This feels incredibly wrong," Zuko says quietly as Ty Lee has her eyes closed, feeling as happy as she has felt since Azula abandoned she and Azusami.

"Maybe it is." Ty Lee shrugs and Zuko wishes she would care more.

"I can't even look Mai in the eyes anymore," he admits, furrowing his brow. He does not know how he wound up in bed with Ty Lee _again_, and he feels like a terrible person for it. Yet, she does not seem to care in the slightest.

"She doesn't have to know," Ty Lee whispers, kissing Zuko on the lips before he can respond.

But Ty Lee is wrong.

Very wrong.

* * *

><p>Over a year after Azula left, "I know about you and Ty Lee," Mai says viciously to Zuko, and he nearly throws up on his shoes. "Don't think you can hide this from me, Zuko."<p>

He has just walked into his room and she was pacing back and forth, tapping her fingers and waiting to confront him. She has a look of desire for murder in her amber eyes, the ones he struggles to make contact with. Zuko feels violently ill as she glares at him.

"I'm sorry," is all he can say and Mai grits her teeth.

"_I'm sorry_? That's _it_? That's _all _you have for me?" she snarls, stepping towards him. He can barely breathe, feeling like he is suffocating. "I'm leaving with Izumi until you grow up."

She shoves his shoulder on her way out of the room, not giving him the chance to have a conversation, to work it out or for him to try to explain himself.

Mai slips through his fingers before he can do anything to stop it. Zuko feels thoroughly and utterly powerless.

All feels lost.

* * *

><p>It is the third month of Azula's training with Jeong Jeong, and he has just lit a circle of candles and gestured for Azula to sit down and meditate, offering to tell her how to do it properly.<p>

"I know how to meditate," Azula snaps before the admonishing look from Jeong Jeong makes her uncomfortably clear her throat and sit down with her legs crossed and her palms on her knees. "Alright, alright, I'm doing it."

Jeong Jeong stands silently, making Azula squirm as she tries to clear her mind. He asked her to meditate on what gave her a reason to change in the first place. Azula retorted, _"I had to change. I had no choice," _to which Jeong Jeong insisted, _"We always have a choice, and you chose redemption."_

And so Azula closes her eyes, latching on to the candles around her. The room glows a gentle blue that Jeong Jeong is still fascinated by, although he does not let on about to keep from flattering Azula's already overlarge ego.

She rubs her face and closes her eyes again, inhale, exhale, the fire flickers.

_The city is burning but the Avatar has it under control. Zuko managed to incite a rebellion and Azula winds up _having a baby _halfway through. As the people were going to rise up and kill their leaders, Azula is in labor, her fingernails digging into her mother's skin._

_ Azula did not want the baby. It had been ridiculous to cave in to Ty Lee, to do something she did not want to do with such a passion. Her mother is holding the newborn baby, which is small, and weird looking and Azula is just staring blankly at it._

_ "Do you want to hold her?" Ursa asks hesitantly, unsure how to deal with this situation._

_ "Yeah," Azula rasps, trying to steal a glance out of the window. She saw the Avatar and hopes that means she is not going to be murdered in this bed._

_ She stands up, which Ursa did not intend for her to do, and walks across the room, settling on a chair as her daughter is handed to her._

_ Azula cannot believe how something so perfect could come from such an imperfect body as hers._

_ She does not know this baby, not in the slightest. She does not know if it will betray her or grow up to hate her like she hates her mother._

_ But she loves her. She does not know how or why, but she loves her and her alert golden eyes and the way she stopped crying when placed in Azula's arms._

Azula forces her eyes open. It is a happy memory, but now it is poisonous to her. Jeong Jeong is waiting patiently as Azula swallows.

"I love my daughter," she admits, wondering why the words are so hard to say. "And I left her. For myself. I... I just don't want to fuck her up. I want her to stay perfect and happy and ignorant..."

Jeong Jeong pauses. "It is through selflessness we perfect ourselves, not selfishness."

"I'm not selfless, though," Azula says and Jeong Jeong examines her for a moment.

"You could be if you wanted to. But you would rather just take care of yourself. It is a mindset that is unsurprising for the Fire Nation Princess."

Azula wants to snap at him, but she licks her lips and closes her eyes again. His distaste for the Fire Nation is grating, but his knowledge of her struggles is more than helpful to her. And Azula will tolerate frustration for greater benefit.

_Azula has just been told she has to go live with her uncle in Ba Sing Se. And for some reason Ty Lee has decided to come along. It has been several days of travel, and now __Azula leans over the edge of the ship, staring at the waves. They splash and tear, ripping against the metal. It is oddly transfixing. She has lost the crown and half of the make-up, and she dug up a set of painful memories - her clothes from her quaint Ember Island vacation. She put them on to prove to herself that her memories cannot control her._

_ And they spiral out of control in her borderline solitude on this forced trip._

_ "You don't look so hot," Ty Lee remarks gently and Azula rubs rosy her lips together. She simply cannot escape the scrutiny of her friend... who might want to be more than friends._

_ "It's cold at sea," Azula replies carelessly without looking up._

_ "Don't jump in," Ty Lee orders with a tiny smirk and Azula laughs._

_ "As much as I would love to kill myself, I would miss the look on my mother's face when she realized it was all her fault," Azula says, a small smile creeping onto her pallid face. Ty Lee looks uneasy. "That's the only downside of dying."_

_ "I would miss you if you died," Ty Lee says passionately, grabbing Azula's hand. _

_ "Well, that's awfully selfish of you. You would keep me alive just to have me to yourself?" Azula purrs, enjoying it more than she should. _

_ Ty Lee hesitates. Her big eyes sparkle and she looks as if she is being quizzed._

_ "Then I guess I'm pretty selfish." Ty Lee shrugs._

_ "Maybe we should throw somebody else overboard. Just for old time's sake," Azula sighs, faux wistfulness in her voice._

_ Ty Lee smirks._

Azula opens her eyes. She loves Ty Lee, Ty Lee loves her. And that girl sacrificed absolutely everything for Azula.

The princess toys with the candles as Jeong Jeong waits.

But Azula refuses to comment, and closes her eyes again.

_Azula is crying, her knees touching her chin as she lies beneath silk sheets on a plush mattress. The tears stream from her gilded eyes and her shoulders shake with sobs._

_ And then someone touches her arm, pulling her closer. She looks to her father and does not know how to explain away her tears. She is ashamed and she does not know what to do._

_ "How long have you been crying?" he asks, a slight tenderness in his voice. She just shakes her head. He fell asleep two hours ago and she thinks the tears escaped around then, but her father does not need to know that. _

_ "I..." Azula does not explain._

_ Her father pulls her to him and attempts to console her. But it feels hollow._

Azula opens her eyes and swallows.

"I want to practice with lightning," she declares as the candles turn a gentle orange.

Jeong Jeong studies her for a moment, decides she has made progress, and leaves the tent to go train with lightning. It clears his student's head, and he appreciates that.

He never intended to teach firebending again, nor work with someone formerly so nationalist. But Azula has been an intriguing experience for him, and he has appreciated it. He thinks he has helped a tormented soul, and her views of firebending are surprisingly similar to his, while he imagined they would be more in line with Ozai's or Zhao's.

She is the embodiment of control and restraint... with her bending at least.

Her mind is a different story.

* * *

><p>A month after Mai leaves, Ursa does too. Zuko is not prepared for it, he is barely able to handle it. It just happens and that absolutely terrifies him. But it happens for a reason, and that reason is Former Fire Lord Ozai.<p>

"None of them listened to me. None of them. I knew it would be a horrible idea to free you," Ursa snaps and Ozai is stunned that she is addressing him directly.

Zuko left the room in a fit of frustration after trying to talk to his mother and father. It was about Mai and Izumi, but they made it about themselves. He decided to just let them fight it out or ignore each other, because his life is crumbling and he does not have the patience to deal with his parents.

"It was Azula's decision," Ozai says with a shrug and Ursa inhales sharply.

"Everything we endured because of you is what made this family so sick and diseased," Ursa snarls, clenching her fists. "I don't know why Zuko and Azula were so alright with allowing you into Izumi and Azusami's lives. And now the family is falling apart. Azula ran away. Mai and Izumi are gone. Ty Lee and Azusami are probably next."

"And what about you?" Ozai asks, tired of this already.

"I don't know. I really don't," she says breathlessly. "But if it is the last thing I do, I will return you to prison, where you have always belonged."

She turns on her heel and he grabs her wrist, which she did not ever expect. He has been overly cautious with all of his family members, being nothing like the man he was before in attempt to gain their favor and forgiveness.

He presses his lips against hers, his hand pressed against her head. She bites down on his lip so hard her mouth fills with his blood.

She leaves the room with ferocity, spitting out blood not her own and going to pack her things.

Ursa has no desire to leave Zuko. Not in a time like this for him.

But she needs a few days. Just a few days away from this palace of ghosts.

She is gone for more than that.

* * *

><p>Seven months into Azula's training with Jeong Jeong, Ty Lee is a girl in trouble. Or so her mother used to call it. She is a hundred and ten percent certain of her situation and it utterly terrifies her to the very core. Azusami is blissfully ignorant of the situation between her mother and her uncle's relationship, but Ty Lee thinks she will have some idea before long.<p>

Because Ty Lee is planning to run away with her daughter, as ridiculous as that is. It feels like betraying her nation to run just because of her suspicion ─ which could be entirely wrong at this point. And with Mai and Ursa already gone, abandoning Zuko feels like an act of personal betrayal too.

Ty Lee packs up Azusami in the middle of the night, the little girl's eyes drooping as she yawns and tries to figure out what is going on. She clings to her mom as Ty Lee carries their bags and her daughter out of the palace, and slips away in the night without even saying goodbye.

She cannot face Zuko with this news. In fact, she can barely face _herself _with this news. It is far, far too painful.

She needs to get away.

She _needs _to.

* * *

><p>After her family shattered without her knowledge, Azula packs her things, feeling confident in returning home. She finally feels as if the broken pieces of her body and mind have been put back together.<p>

Jeong Jeong offers to take her home, and she is glad for it.

They depart at sunrise, leaving the forest behind.

But Azula has no idea what is awaiting her in the Fire Nation after an absence of over two years.


End file.
